Hi Elite and Welcome to Miracles In Progress Group of Alcoholics Anonymous!
You have written a big part of my story as well. Once I started drinking where or when I would stop was as good a guess to anyone, including me. I was also a blackout drinker. I didn't know until I joined AA that non-alcoholics, and garden variety problem drinkers get drunk and pass out. Alcoholics get drunk and blackout. My gawh, I hated having to ask someone else what happened the night before, or for them to be headed towards me to tell me what kind of asshole I acted like. Another thing I have learned is that a non-alcoholic can have a drink or two and all is good. An alcoholic like me takes a drink and it triggers the desire for the next one before I am even finished with the one I have in my hand. One drink of alcohol and the craving kicks in and nags until I have the next one, and the next one and the next one... and I was only going to drink one, two, a few... but before I knew it... bam! There I was again, hurting those around me, those that love me and those I loved. And it really does suck to see that look on a loved ones face... you know the look I am talking about. The hurt, the betrayal, the anger, the "you're such an idiot" look. I have seen it a thousand times. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't have a clue what I was up against when it came to alcoholism.
Also, like yourself... drinking was associated with my feelings.. good ones and bad ones. I got a flat tire... get a drink going before trying to change the tire. Bought 4 new tires.. get a drink going to celebrate how good I am doing. I drank regardless of the feeling I was having, good or bad. But that is what I could point at as my reason. The real reason was I am a Alcoholic and drinking our way through life, daily or as a binger is the extent of our ability to cope with life and all it throws our way. Broke... better get a drink. Pocket full of money... better get a drink... I drank, not because of those things but because I was a untreated alcoholic and it became my auto response to dealing with life in general.
I have been completely sober, not taken even one drink in many years now and I can promise you that my life is fuller, more colorful, has more value than it has ever had. But getting and staying sober is not something I could do by myself, on my own will power. I couldn't. I had to let go of my old drinking buddies, plug into Alcoholics Anonymous and through that make some new friends with people who were just like me. Alcoholics who got sick and tired of being sick and tired, and were trying to stay sober one day at a time, with each others support and encouragement. Trust me when I say that my wife didn't mind my cutting ties with my old crew of friends one bit. She knew that when the guys got together... drinking was going to take place and something bad was going to result from it. Rarely, if ever did I drink and get a good, positive outcome. It might have happened, but I don't know .... because I can't remember... I was in a alcoholic blackout. Hang tight here with us on this board, and try to get yourself to a local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in your community. Meetings are held in every nook and cranny of the world, I am sure that there is one by you. Once you accept that you are an alcoholic and start moving in the direction of what millions of other alcoholics have done, you will start feeling a little better about yourself and you will find that no situation is too hopeless, not even yours.
I have been down the road you are on, the road I am on today is much more scenic, and I don't have to ever see that look again, or find out from someone else what I did or didn't do the night before.
I hope you keep coming back here and if you will just try to come here once a day and not take one drink between signing on each day... your sobriety will be awesome.
I can't even imagine what you're going through, but I know where you've been: It was place I called 'the wilderness of despair'. I felt so alone in my struggles, but never alone in my grief: I had to struggle through the pain before I grasped the reins of freedom; and not a minute to spare either. It became my first real breakthrough in over 20 years.
Here's the thing, though: I had to come to a place of complete surrender before I got my first real taste of sobriety -same as most people, but I didn't have to go it alone. There were others who are willing to make the journey more pleasurable. What began initially as a burden tuned out to be a blessing and one I wouldn't change even if I could: It became the springboard to something very, very special.
If it were up to me, I would forgo the logistics for now -all the unknowns I mean- and focus instead on the solution, like everyone said: That's how the miracle unfolds by the way. So from here on in make that change: Take a vow to remain sober at any cost. That's how the miracle began for me. I would analogize it this way: The clock is ticking; the anticipation mounting, and the realization almost certain, but it's always a great day to be sober even in the midst of so much adversity. How your life unfolds from there is totally up to you.
This is the beginning of a very long journey, my friend; a journey whose end is still uncertain. So be on the lookout for something better and make that change now before it's too late. It's how fate gives way to freedom. I hope you turn the tide into something better; I hope your journey is as fruitful as it is enlightening and I hope it's the change you've been waiting for. I can only hope.
Onward
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 7th of September 2013 09:02:21 PM
hey all im new here and just needed to vent i guess
so here is my story and i guess i am looking for someone that has been in the place i am right now just to share some words on what helped them if that makes sense
so to be 100% honest i am i guess a mean drunk ( never to my wife or kids ) just people around me i guess and the best way to explain it would be to tell you about last night so after work a friend who i work with wanted to go for a beer at first i said no im good but after 15 mins of going on and on and on i gave in so we went for a beer so we split on a pitcher ( 4ltr ) and we drank that between 4 of us then someone got the second pitcher ect ect by the end of the night we went through 5 pitchers a few shots & i lost count of the rye and coke
so later in the night some random guy came up and started to grind on me .... so my first reaction was to turn around and ask what the f*** do you think your doing man ..... in turn he started to make the kiss face i guess is the best way to describe it ..... so i hit him ... his buddy i think came in to defend him and before we new it we all got kicked out and the fight started back up between me and his friend out side
but the thing that scares me the most is when i get like that i seem to black out ... i have no control over my actions at that time and i did a good number on this guy who was trying to stick up for his buddy ....i don't think any of what he did was right by any means what so ever .... it wasn't a gay bar and as far as i know i don't send out any signals to try and pick up guys ..... i am and have been a happy married man for almost 10 years now but like every other time i go out and end up getting in fights ( happens alot ) i always feel like crap the next day because i can think of a million other ways i could have handled that better .... and i only start to remember what i did at random points through out the next day
i know i have a drinking problem and i have had one from a young age ( started drinking when i was around 11 ) as far as that goes its always the same pattern ... once i start drinking .. i don't stop ... and i binge drink ... i can go days with out drinking but when i start i drink alot
i know my wife does not like me drinking and the truth is i would love to just not drink ever again and i have tried a lot of different times to stop but when ever i feel ... sad, alone, depressed, angry, stressed out, ect ect the first thing i do is grab a beer ... and i always tell my self just one ...... just going to have one .... and the next thing i know its a few hrs later and there is a good empty 15 bottles in the box .. by that time i take the mind frame that its ok so then i move on to vodka .... and then the whole process begins .... i love my wife and my kids and i want to be the best person i can be for them ... and right now i dont feel like i am doing that ... hell when i think to the amount of fights i have been in ... or the amount of times my wife has gone out side in the morning only to find me crashed in the garage .... i hate my self for all that and i hate my self for putting someone whom i love and say i love through it time and time again
i don't want to drink any more but i don't know how to deal with my feelings / emotions
i have done alot of stupid things that couldn't have ended my family life a few times while being drunk and im not proud of any of them but i seem to do them with out even thinking about it ..... the only good thing i can say about me when i am drunk is i don't drive ... i don't have a licence or a car and i refuse to get one for the simple reason i don't want to be that idiot on the road who takes out some other poor person due to alcohol
another reason as to why i find it hard i guess is i have no one to talk to about it .... all my friends are all big drinkers .. i dont feel right talking to my wife about it because i can already see the hurt in her eyes that is due to the actions i have done by drinking i live & work in a little village that has 3 shops including the metal shop i work in ... the other 2 are a convenience store and a lcbo / beer store ... as i said i dont drive so i dont get in to the city a whole lot ( 8 / 10 ) times a year at most
i am just fed up with the way i have treated my self and my marriage
If drinking is a problem the stopping is a good idea. Many people quit because the become someone they are not proud of.
An alcoholic risks, family, marriage, friends, prison, and even life itself over drink.
If you are alcoholic, AA is a proven way out. Meetings in your town would be great. There is hope and a solution. Find a meting in google and see what you think.
No time like now to save your own ass.
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Yep, I think all of us can identify with that 'I don't know why I do it' feeling. I was a blackout drinker as well and I am so, so grateful that I don't have that feeling of terror and shame and disgust when I try to recall what I did the night before.
I tried to quit on my own for years. I would be successful for a couple of months here, a couple of months there, and I would always end up right back where I started. I always hated quitting too, it was such a lonely process and it made me angry.
Walking into my first AA meeting was really hard, but the good news is that this program WORKS, and you don't have to do it alone anymore. There's a whole group of people that have been through it and who want to help you.
I didn't think it would be possible to ever feel happy without alcohol. Honestly, the thought of quitting was like giving up the only real good thing in life.
I thought I would never ever be able to handle mothering, or being that happy wife with supper on the table anymore. I thought I would never be able to be silly with my kids or relax after a stressful day working.
The truth is, I got to the point that I couldn't live with it anymore - or without it. I didn't have any choice but to give it a try in AA. The road I was on with drinking was making my life very difficult. It really wasn't fun anymore. That first drink was like "ahhhh" the next 12 - 24 hours were hell. That five minutes of relaxation and a smile, wasn't worth the rest of the unmanageability in my life. Like you - I knew if I had one, It wouldn't stop there. Deep down, I knew something was not right about my drinking for a long long time before I got here.
It takes a bit of courage to reach out for help. I commend you for that. But that only gets you so far. The program has solutions for all of life's challenges, and there is happiness without alcohol.
My husband just swooped me up like on the movies and gave me a big'ol smoocher as if we were in a 1920's romance movie. Just over a year ago - I was banished to another room of the house, and didn't know if I would get to have my kids or him or any sort of life. But I heard this lady here on the board - her name is leeu, say that she was living a happy healthy life after drinking herself into the toilet, only to wake to her children asking if they could have a TV dinner from the bathroom door. When I got here, she had been sober for decades, by just staying sober for one day at a time. I thought, if she could do it, maybe I could too. I would try to stay sober just for the day. And the days began to ad up. Now I'm sober 17 months. Last night I went to see a speaker who has been sober for 2 years longer than I've been alive! 37 years!!!!!!! I couldn't imagine how people stayed sober 7 days when I got here!!! So I took my first bit of hope, and it grew from there. I read the stories posted at the sticky here at the top of the board, and read the letter to the woman alcoholic.
There is someone out there who you will relate to as I did - if you keep listening and looking and asking questions like you're doing here.
Today, I have a family that can get through life's challenges together - not perfectly, but with healthy tools that I have learned here. I can accept who I am. My body has healed, my relationships have healed, I actually can still enjoy music and get silly, and I am happier than I have ever been. This is not meant to sound like a bragging session, I'm just saying - I went from being a miserable, mean, out of control drunk - to a happy, healthy, confident addition to the community and my family.
You can do it too.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Welcome Elite, ... we're glad to have you here ...stick around awhile till you figure out your next move ... if you find you're powerless when you have that first drink, then you're in the right place ... in case you wonder if you DO have a problem, here's a questionnaire for you to look over, it may help you in making a decision on what your next course of action should be ...
1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
16. Do you drink alone?
17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aloha Elite and welcome to the board...You're gonna stay...you're gonna do well. Your share triggers me though I haven't drank for decades the past is fresh in my memory of what happened then. You say you don't want to be one of them drivers who take someone out while drunk driving. Fighting and drunk do the same thing my friend. It is what I did including the driving. I fought a lot from an early age and thought I needed to coming from an alcohol and drug related family system. I was good at fighting and even had some maritial arts training to keep the edge for myself. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know about chemicals and the body; my body and so I was running on dumb. On several occasions because of alcohol involvement I came close to taking opponents lives. I have been physically restrained by others to keep me from doing that...I am extreemly grateful. I have hospitilized others and my rageful outburst included victims of tender age and females. It also included others in authority in foreign countries. Yes I use to blackout; I use to "red" out too. I learned in early recovery was this "red" out was about. If I blacked out the reason always was because of the alcohol in my system; in my brain, neurological system. If I "redded" out it was from the adrenalin and testosterone which played hell on my entire system. I would actually see a red overcast in my vision before I stopped recording what I was doing. I came out of it same as a blackout...not knowing. My personality played a big part in my troubles. I frightened easy and didn't call it fear and my reaction was to strike out a the target I thought most responsible. In later recovery some of my most major amends have been to people I have harmed physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...the most major one is yet to be done.
I went to college on my alcoholism. I had to know. I had to understand this chemical and me and what I found out was astounding and as we say in the program..."our disease" is cunning, powerful and baffling. I made it even more so because I didn't know about alcoholism until I got into recovery. Drinking was normal and natural in my families of origin. I drank because it was there and I could. I drank as much as I wanted as often as I wanted and I kept the wheel turning for the family too. I know what and how your wife feels and thinks...I also marry the women I drank with and that turned every party into a war.
I'm glad you are here. Your story support my need for "the" major amends yet to be done. Your story also reminds me of how much I also desired change that when I first got to the rooms for the second time that I thought the only way to end how I was feeling was to end my life. I was suicidal for the third time and the third times a charm because I decided to end my life as my Higher Power directed me to. I entered the rooms and sat down and didn't say anything. They suggested that I not because I didn't know anything about what was going on and the recovery they would speak of. I listened with an open mind and then followed the next suggestion...Keep coming back. I was too tired to try something smart 1any more. I had long run out of smarts. I didn't know...and didn't know that I didn't know. I was dumb as a stick and ready to just lay down and stop breathing. The next suggestion was do 90 meetings in 90 days. I got a few more and a lesson. I was part of a huge problem cause there was 439 meetings a month in the tri-valley area I lived in. I had a problem. I stopped trusting my self...my thinking and my choices and turned myself over to the fellowship...I did what they suggested including not picking up any drink. I did everything with in my means to underestand the chemical and the disease and suppressed my ego and pride. I knew if I went back to making my own decisions myself and perhaps others would pay a permanent price.
I'm glad you didn't kill anyone with your hands and feet and that someone didn't kill you either. You've got another chance while the chemical will continue to drag on you. Get into the fellowship like I finally did; with my hand outstretched in front of me and a statement, "Please help me". The please was key...I was done.
Big Book page 44.... "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."
Help is here. Follow the suggestions on this site and you too can recover.
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
i will look on google to see if there is any meetings around my area
and yes it is embarrassing the next day when you have no memory of what you did and i hate when people tell me what i have done
a few times i have been walking down the street and had some guy who i don't know just come and punch for the crap i did the night before
its strange because when i look at my self i love my life and i love my family with all my heart ... i just hate the way i am .... i have a good paying job and amazing wife and 2 amazing kids i have everything i could ever want in life we are all healthy and we dont go with out there is always food and lots of stuff for the kids ..... so i have no idea why i keep turning to drink most times i do it with out even knowing .... the odd time i will fight my self and if i open a beer then i will second guess it and just dump it out and try to keep occupied doing something else
but once again thank you and i plan on sticking around :) thanks again
I hear ya. I thought because I had a nice little hobby farm, a new car, highlights in my hair, plenty of food and toys, an education, beautiful kids, husband... I couldn't possibly have a problem that only a spiritual solution would conquer.
I thought if I just exercised more, ate better, went to yoga, joined a choir, took more time to relax, took the right vitamin or pill etc etc etc... I could be cured. NOPE. I tried all that, and everything else they list in the AA big book - switching from hard liquor to wine, drinking only on the weekends, anything and everything but AA! LOL AA is for alcoholics, and an alcoholic is anyone who doesn't drink like me lol.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have seen and also read, that those of os that got bad enough to feel some damage in our life.... We may be a little more motivated to change. So being bad off may actually be god in this case. If you remember how bad it was, then it becomes a useful tool.
I would always forget... Or this time I won't get so load, or I will eat before drinking, or it was the tequila! And always on hangover mornings - God if you get me thru this.... We all know what goes here.
Glad you are back. Meetings started out scary, uncool. After a while they became fun and full of new useful friends. It isn't the drag I thought it would be. It is actually quite fun.
Peace
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"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
You said: "...so i have no idea why i keep turning to drink...". Yeah, I remember what that is like, being baffled about why I was doing that to myself and wondering what on earth was wrong with me that would make me live like that and be so unable to successfully control and enjoy my drinking. Once I got to AA, the answer was simple. It was because I had alcoholism. For people with alcoholism, that's what drinking is going to be like.
The solution for me was to stop drinking, one day at a time, and get help from other people in AA who had gone before me and who could show me how to do it, and let them help me find my way to a better way of life, so that I could live a grateful and satisfying life without alcohol. Best thing that ever happened to me. I encourage you to check out some meetings. Good luck!
Welcome Elite! You got great feedback already. Just wanted to say I look forward to hearing more from you and how this journey develops. Don't be afraid of meetings. The hardest thing for me was to get to that first meeting and from there, I just did what they told me pretty much. It doesn't have to be so complicated.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yes I am new here too and today is day two of my new sobriety since my relapse. Thank you everyone for your support, reading all these stories really helps and makes me want to stay sober. It also helps that I still have a job that keeps me so busy, I hardly had time to think about drinking ( almost ). I will keep coming back though
Thank you for your honesty Elite, ... To live in recovery, it is a necessity in AA ... ... ... I pray you will take the action you should and get to some AA meetings very soon, today if at all possible ...
We learn we have to be 'willing to go to any lengths' to stay sober ... else we become, or remain, useless human beings ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
