So , I came up with the brilliant idea to quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I wonder now if this was a mistake LOL. I am irritable, depressed, anxious, resentful, angry, bitter, lonely... Pretty much runs the gamut of emotions associated with withdrawals. My maturity level has dropped down to about the age of 4, my self pity has increased a surprising amount. I don't like people, and I don't like myself. It occurs to me that I'm a serious drug addict haha. Something I have been shocked by is an increase in thoughts of self- destructive drinking. Like 'F this! Im gonna buy a carton of smokes and get wasted!! And its gonna suck and i dont care'.I had no idea what I was getting in for here. Much like when I got sober, at times I'm not smoking out of sheer stubbornness and, yes, ego.I'm thinking that all of these good decisions made out of self respect may be a shock to my psyche- my twisted psyche that seems much more comfortable in self- loathing mode. But thats ok cuz I'm still sober and still f*@*ing smoke free. Uurrgghh !!! Thanks- I just needed to get that out and get the 'congrats! Good job!' I so desperately want right now from my MIP buddies:)
Growing and learning and changing is a tall order sometimes and I know that for me I sometimes get that toddler reaction 'it's not fair!' 'I don't want to!' amongst the many other mood swings that come with change (stubbornness also being one mode). You are rocking it, even if it doesn't feel like it. xo
Hang in there Col. I had the same experience. I've said it before I know but there is more to smoking than we think, at least in my case. It was my solution to anger for years. When I stopped guess what ... Anger. I never would have thought it but for me the ciggies were a mind altering chemical and when I stopped, I had to deal with all the things the ciggies dealt with.
A lady at a meeting the other day shared something along the same lines. She was sober 6 months or so and had been taking the doctor's little helpers. As she was pregnant she decided she wanted to detox from that under medical supervision of course. She said the result was that she was now going through all the painful sh$t that she has seen others go through in the first few weeks of sobriety when not medicated. Her message was she had not avoided the pain, only postponed it.
That was so like my experience with the cigarettes. I wish I had done what you are doing. It's rough going back to early sobriety when you've had 20 years dry.
It's going to get better, Col. I just hit 8 months free of cigarettes this past Monday. For the first month or so, I was a total wreck; then it gradually got better. Now, when I get really stressed (usually work-related) I sometimes think that I'd like a cigarette, but I just ask God to remove the thought immediately, and the thought passes. Hang in there!
((((Col))))...This "other" consequence of our choosing is another temporary condition. Use the program don't take the next drink and/or smoke. I'm done for now...stopped, relapsed...stopped, relapsed...stopped changed to cigars and inhaled ever drag I could get because I was so badly nicotine depleted...stopped relapsed, (merry go round music) stopped,relapsed went to the doctors and told him I was worried because not only am I alcoholic I am also tuberculic. He said that both were connected because often children of the disease are born with under developed lungs which conribute to the problem. Told me I was good in he lung department...stopped. Am now stopped about 5-6 years. Have gotten past the last degrading episode of having the nub drop on the ground in the dirt and picking it up wanting it to make me intensly happy. Couldn't do it...wouldn't do it now. The situation is temporary if you do the work and trust that you want to, need to and will soon win out. You are a very nice person and the disease is making you feel bad about everything!! Tell us how its going tomorrow...good and bad, ups and downs, another day. In support (((((hugs)))))
I'd rather have a very much alive and grumpy Col, then be saying "she was such a nice, fun loving girl". Quitting smoking is tough just like alcohol. Really just got to hang on for 30 days. Consider this, I quit drinking, drugs, and smoking on the same day, while going through a divorce and a job change. lol I was totally miserable for 90 days. You can do this.
So , I came up with the brilliant idea to quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I wonder now if this was a mistake LOL. I am irritable, depressed, anxious, resentful, angry, bitter, lonely... Pretty much runs the gamut of emotions associated with withdrawals. My maturity level has dropped down to about the age of 4, my self pity has increased a surprising amount. I don't like people, and I don't like myself. It occurs to me that I'm a serious drug addict haha. Something I have been shocked by is an increase in thoughts of self- destructive drinking. Like 'F this! Im gonna buy a carton of smokes and get wasted!! And its gonna suck and i dont care'.I had no idea what I was getting in for here. Much like when I got sober, at times I'm not smoking out of sheer stubbornness and, yes, ego.I'm thinking that all of these good decisions made out of self respect may be a shock to my psyche- my twisted psyche that seems much more comfortable in self- loathing mode. But thats ok cuz I'm still sober and still f*@*ing smoke free. Uurrgghh !!! Thanks- I just needed to get that out and get the 'congrats! Good job!' I so desperately want right now from my MIP buddies:)
It is a tough addiction.
it is also a horrific way to die. My mother had emphysema. As it got worse and it became harder to breathe, she would get scared and panic. She had panic attacks in the end and took anti anxiety meds. It was a terrible thing to watch.
But what you mention about mood changes is something I notice. It feels like my mood is based on a stack of books. If I pull out one book, like quitting smoking or some other routine thing, and it all can tip over. It is funny how all those little things are tied together in ways I never suspected.
But...
great job on quitting!
Yay You!
:)
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Your situation reminds me of a wonderful comment I once heard from my old sponsor. He said: "Darling, there are going to be some days in our sobriety when we just don't get any points for 'style'. So we just don't fricken drink, we give ourselves a break, apply step ten and try to do a little better tomorrow."
I smoked for 50 yrs and my wife quit about 10 yrs before I did. I knew I couldn't quit but I prayed ...
I prayed each morning and night for the desire to quit. I knew I should quit but I didn't have the desire.
I prayed morning and night for over a year and not much seemed to change, then one night I walked out to have a cigarette on the back deck and I somehow knew that was my last smoke.
I had a couple of days of weak cravings and after a week or two it was like I had never smoked. That was in 2005 and smoking does not bother me at all.
My prayers were answered .... I was given the desire in Gods time and it came almost by itself.
So God granted me the desire to quit drinking and quit smoking. Now I know I should ask for the desire to balance my eating. I will tomorrow after I finish these cookies .....
