Advice appreciated.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Advice appreciated.

seeker · Newbie

Hello

I wonder if I could get some clarification and advice about AA? I've been going AA for just over 3 months and today is my 87th day without a drink. I'm working on step 4 at the moment. My problem is that my sponsor is doubting my commitment to the programme and is making me feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm feeling under quite a lot of pressure to do everything the way she suggests and if I don't then I get calls and messages to say I can't expect to get better unless I give it 100%.

I understand the need to commit to the programme but, to be honest, I didn't know anything about the programme until I went to my first meeting. I went to AA because I'd already made the decision to stop drinking and that has worked so far, although I appreciate that it's early days.

At my first meeting I was given a list of daily suggestions - pray in the morning and just before bed, read the big book, read the Just For Today card, call 2 newcomers etc. I am very honest with my sponsor about not doing these every day and I feel criticised if I don't. But I am very shy and suffer from depression so I just can't face calling 2 near strangers every day. I try to read the book everyday but I've read the whole thing twice so don't always feel it's necessary. Also, the card says to get 2 home groups. I attend one meeting every week, where I have service. I attend another one every now and then but my sponsor says I should go to both every week.

I'm confused because all the AA literature I've read says the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, and I certainly have that. Books and leaflets say there are no rules or musts in AA, yet my sponsor keeps saying that if I don't do the daily 'suggestions' then I can't expect to get well. But my priority is to stop drinking and I am managing that. She uses words like 'should' and 'doing it properly' which imply that there are rules after all.

I just wanted some opinions about how to handle this. Are the suggestions actually unspoken rules and musts that have to be followed? Is going to 2 meetings a week essential for recovery? If I don't do everything my sponsor says then does this make me difficult and unwilling to commit to AA and recovery?

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for AA and the support that has got me this far. But last night I barely slept because I was worrying about not following the AA path properly and letting my sponsor down. This sort of worry isn't healthy for me and I need to know what others think.

Thanks for reading.

Angell · Senior Member

There are no rules in AA - and plenty of people to tell you what they are.

Any member of AA, if they are keeping the fourth tradition, is willing to help a newcomer go to any lengths - her lengths, not theirs - to stay
sober. That is even more true for a sponsor.

-- Edited by Angell on Thursday 5th of September 2013 03:41:51 PM

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP seeker, ... glad to have you ...

There have been two good responses already ... and I just want to confirm that your sponsors' directives are really 'suggestions' ... if there is anything that really makes you uncomfortable, then discuss it with her ... and you may find changing sponsors is the best course of action ...

You must be doing something right to have 87 days, congrats ... that's not easy ... ... ...

I also wanted to say that our experience is that the 1st 90 days are the hardest ... and most of us were willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, so we did everything our sponsors asked of us even when we 'didn't see the point' or just plain ole 'didn't want to' ... and after 90 days, I don't know about the others, but I started seeking 'balance' ... but that really doesn't happen till about a year in ...

Sobriety should be your primary concern ... you cannot grow without it ...

God Bless,

Pappy

Sober Strummer · Senior Member

If I don't do the daily suggestions, then i can't expect to get well.

That sounds fairly correct on the surface. It is a program. Not a group of items on a salad bar.

I think it is worth meditating on and praying about. I have cut people loose that did not want to work the program. Not worth my time. There are others that do want to work the program. I agree there is but one requirement for membership. No doubt. I also think to find long term recovery and a fulfilling life, it takes more.

As with anything it is all balance. Having been around the block a time or two, I know there are two sides to every story. I know we allies can be a quite sensitive bunch. And if we don't stay sober.... Usually bad things happen.

If you feel pushed to work the program of AA and you don't want to, that sounds like there is more to the story. Like, why don't you want to work it as laid out? People drowning in the ocean don't complain about the way a life ring is thrown, they just grab it.

Choose wisely, it is only your life and sanity at stake if you are indeed a hopeless alkie.

Great job on your time. It is tough and something to feel good about. Best wishes in keeping on track.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to the board. Loved the responses you've already gotten! I hope you will keep us posted on your progress!

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

The steps and traditions are a set of principles which in the dictionary are described as laws or rules. One governs the fellowship and one is the program. The rule is if we don't try and operate withing these principles, our experience is that things tend to go wrong.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Fine, anyone who wants to stop can join. But recovery is a completely different animal. the tradition does not say that the only requirement for recovery is a desire to stop drinking. If that were the case we would have a one step program instead of 12. There are something like 52 musts in the program described in the big book. The experience of the first 100 was that they found they must do certain things in order to recovery. When they tried to get away without doing them, they ended up drunk.

Hence "we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start , half measures availed us nothing, some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely, we must be rid of this selfishness, we must or it kills us."

I have been sober a while yet I continue to study the big book, and continue to learn from it. One of the more obvious things is the urgency about getting on with the action. We see phrases like at once, and after step 5 we take an hour to reflect before moving on to step 6. Words like vigorous action. You don't "have to" do any of it. It's entirely up to you. But no where does the book say you can get the same result by doing half, or none of, the work. People mislead you if they imply that is the case.

AA recovery as described in the book is all about a spiritual experience. Your sponsors job is to show you how to have one of these. I'm not sure that being overly controling is the way to achieve this, my own sponsor lead by example.

AA recovery through spiritual experience leads to absolute freedom to go any where and do anything that free people can do. Handle any situation without the need to drink.

The alternative I sometimes see is an ability to stay dry by attending loads of meetings but not doing all the work. These folks don't seem to have the same freedom I have been given, they have trouble making decisions without talking to their sponsor first, they are unable to go more than a few days without a meeting before their life starts to fall apart. They are really prisoners of the fellowship. It's not really any kind of alternative.

Let's quickly review the first step. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Powerless means just that. Until the obsession is removed through a spiritual experience, we have no defense against the first drink. We could drink at anytime, this afternoon even.
That's why your sponsor seems pushy. She knows your time is limited, she's seen it before. The only thing no one knows is exactly how much time you have to get the work done.

You could perhaps change sponsors, look for a more amenable spiritual guide. But that still wont change the fact that you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Rules or not, this seems to be a fact for most of us.

God bless,
MikeH.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Just like your sponsor, I can really only tell you what I did and make suggestions. Yeah it's up to you but your sponsor has a style that has worked. Suggestions in AA are generally for your own good. The ones you stated she made do sound like sensible ones. I understand your reasons for balking though. This is not unusual because while most of us have gotten desperate enough to do just about anything our sponsors asked - I am pretty sure none of us follows suggestions perfectly.

My concern with going to 1 meeting a week that early on is that the only thing left beneath that if you go to less meetings is zero meetings a week. Just based on me - I needed 5 to 7 meetings a week for the first couple years. I still need 3 at least at close to 5 years sober. I got the suggestion to get numbers and call people also and I did it. I also have depression but did it anyhow just cuz my sponsor said to. I don't think I followed that suggestion perfectly, but I tried and I did call people a lot early on.

Again - when you are early on in sobriety, it's generally safer to take your AA "medicine" in high doses. That' sjust been my experience. But what you have been doing has gotten you to 87 days and that is awesome so something is really working and I commend you and encourage you to keep it up!!!!!