Great thread, Sir. You remind me of someone I knew 12 years ago. That's when I first entered A.A. Back then; I had a hard time identifying with other alcoholics, mostly because of my own unique condition. I would eliminate certain parts of a story just to see if my feet match, literally. What I found out was the word 'defeat' always did. I felt just as defeated as everyone else, but the truth was I couldn't drive that idea home.
Then my first sponsor taught me a very unique trick. He said "the department of defeat should be my first priority". I said, come again? He said "the first step' should always come 'first'. That's where we 'surrender' totally. No questioning, no comparing and certainly no ulterior motives, just you and your conscience.
After that encounter, my take on alcoholism suddenly changed. The definition of the word "powerlessness" became overwhelmingly clear and has to this day. I finally realized the God awful truth behind my numerous relapses and what that defense actually cost me. It had nothing to do with A.A. or the people in it, but a lot to do with me, period. It was how I avoided recovery, plain and simple.
Fast forward 12+ years later and who you see today is someone totally different. But that revelation didn't materialize overnight. It's a process and every process takes time to develop. So the next time you find yourself comparing try to remember how you got here. The phrase 'our bottoms may be different, but the beatings were all the same' should come to mind. It's how I came to believe.
Sobriety has certainly changed since then, but it's still my only viable option. And it's something I have to work on every day. Thanks for reminding me. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Sunday 1st of September 2013 03:32:56 PM
When I first discovered the 12 steps in another program, 15yrs ago, I had a question come up whenever I heard another person's trials, tribulations, stories. No matter who it was talking or when, I began a comparison game. I only did this much of.... And they did so much more/different/worse/less/simpler than me.
With the beginning of a new recovery cycle the same comparison game is rearing its head and makin me question my motivations. I know my story and my 'gutter' are my decision and my choice for today. They do not need compared to anything. And yet the little voice says, you aren't bad enough to be here.
The truth in this moment is, There is NO "bad enough" - EVER.
My bottom is clearly defined and motivates me on my new path. It is enough for me. And I am human. And I question myself all the time.
The world looks different when it is not twisted by the bottom of a bottle or a glass as I empty it...
Going to get a Big Book again... dang it.
My name is Craig, And I am a recovering Alcoholic. I have to learn to like myself all over again. At least I have experience in the learning.
And this was my honesty to 'out' that lil voice and remove its power.
We have a common problem and a common solution, but we definately do not have common stories. When we say look for the similarities, they are in the patterns of our behaviour as it relates to the effect alcohol has on us. The stories about what we were like ought to illustrate the spiritual malady, the obsession of the mind, and the phenomenon of craving. When I start looking for those themes in the sharing of others, and compare it to my own experience, I find those are the very things I have in common with other real alcoholics. These are the things that define alcoholism. If you had to have a DUI, serve a term in Jail, beat your wife, lose your house, steal a plane, burn down a hotel, shoot someone to be an alcoholic, I wouldn't qualify.
But I did suffer from the spiritual malady, I did have the obsession of the mind, and I did have the phenomenon of craving, all to such an extent that I was beyond human aid. I was suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience can conquer.
I took the steps , had and continue to have spiritual experiences, and recovered like millions of others before me.
What's not to like about Craig? I love your post cause it brings back memories...been there and done that and have experiences which I have never shared in the rooms and have never heard others share too. I'm pass that now and sober for a good period of time. I don't here that amount of time shared by a bunch of people either so it isn't about differences for me it really is the similarities. Similarities are about ego and pride and early sponsorsip gave me lessons on how to kill my ego nd crush my pride and today because of the program I'm here nodding at your share and in support and loving the ElCamino and the color. My Chevy was a 55 210 2door Belair full of tension with a man at the wheel with half a brain, loaded on booze, hung over and making the decision to let it run full out because it has just passed the breakin period on the new engine. I had no idea that the highway had been closed down to one lane for another wreck a half mile away and was jammed packed with emergency equipment, people, cops and wreckers. I got it down to "hope speed" as in broke thru the crowd of leaping humans and then turned it back up so that I could escape any cop that might make the attempt to bag me. In those days they didn't have BAL test or DUI arrests and they did have body bags cause drunk and running wasn't a specialty of mine. Blackkouts while running at speed always scared me. I had dreams of being buried in that 55 for a long time. We all share the same "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol statement. We all share that and for me that is enough for me to take my chair...sit down...all the way down and listen with an open mind. Don't fret about the times you didn't stay...stay now. Keep coming back.
Sobriety is the easier softer way.... That drunken hell, the worse sobering up in the morning, constant self hate and lies. It was hell. I read in the big book how we weigh a life of sobriety with that terrible state.... And it is a tough choice to choose a sober life.
That makes me laugh now. I was really insane. If that walking dead life is a tough option to choose with living sober that is crazy. And it took time to gradually get sane. I feel like a different year marks my head popped thru different layers of clouds.
Knowing how we lie to ourselves is a big deal. Knowing about recovering from the insanity of alcoholism is powerful.
I hope you work the program with rigorous honesty and save your own ass. It does work. Some say the Big Book is about finding your HP. I tend to agree. But there is so much more. It is the entry portal to a new life far better than a leaned up version of the old one.
Good luck and hope to see you regularly.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
I understand that voice and that is why it is a common slogan: "Identify. Don't Compare." I work in a rehab now with a bunch of kids who mainly are hooked on heroin. Even though alcohol was what got me to my bottom. I'm not so different. They just added drugs and got there faster. I also retarded my development and they are the same. Instead of being 25 and young responsible adults - they are 25 and playing games with their parents and bs-ing people. My bottom is different than theirs as I did have a job and was 36 when I came into AA. I had a car and a place to live... but I also did the same socially retarded, emotionally immature manipulations.
You also might not be far enough in sobriety to have clarity on how much alcoholism brought you down and how much it truly crippled you spiritually and emotionally. Once you gain perspective on that, you can really identify with that "lost and demoralized' feeling in anyone's share. We are all united.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
When I first discovered the 12 steps in another program, 15yrs ago, I had a question come up whenever I heard another person's trials, tribulations, stories. No matter who it was talking or when, I began a comparison game. I only did this much of.... And they did so much more/different/worse/less/simpler than me.
With the beginning of a new recovery cycle the same comparison game is rearing its head and makin me question my motivations. I know my story and my 'gutter' are my decision and my choice for today. They do not need compared to anything. And yet the little voice says, you aren't bad enough to be here.
The truth in this moment is, There is NO "bad enough" - EVER.
My bottom is clearly defined and motivates me on my new path. It is enough for me. And I am human. And I question myself all the time.
The world looks different when it is not twisted by the bottom of a bottle or a glass as I empty it...
Going to get a Big Book again... dang it.
My name is Craig, And I am a recovering Alcoholic. I have to learn to like myself all over again. At least I have experience in the learning.
And this was my honesty to 'out' that lil voice and remove its power.
Hi Craig, ... your post reminded me of something I learned upon returning to AA and 'recovery' ...
S.O.B.E.R. ... ... ... S on O f-a B itch, E verything's R eal ... ... ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
