You are probably NOT going to 'like' what I have to say ... Are you 'married' to this here BF of yours ??? ... if not, you have no reason to believe his relationship with you is 'exclusive' ... If he doesn't hold enough respect for you to be exclusive to you, then I would question whether this is 'the guy' for you or not ... ... ...
You really do not want me to remind you of what the 'Good Book' say about relationships when it comes to a man and a woman ... I'm 'old school' and I don't believe in 'sleeping around' with whomever you feel like until you get tired of them and then move on to someone new ... it's just not right ... nor is a bunch of other 'socially acceptable' behavior now-a-days according to my Higher Power ...
I feel a sexual commitment is a 'bond', for life ... I know many will disagree here, but that is simply how the Good Book teaches us ... if you don't believe in it, then my opinion is worthless ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 30th of August 2013 10:54:07 AM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
If this is really happening, why isn't the BF's actions questionable? While you can't control either of them, you could have a conversation with your BF about what's acceptable to you. If he's participating
with her, it could be anyone. And if he's a "new comer" and presumably you have a year or more, why are you dating him? I wouldn't suggest dating (seriously) in the program at all. As for your original question. I wouldn't continue to sponsor someone who's behavior is affecting me or my sobriety. Personally, I've give them both the hook.
If this is really happening, why isn't the BF's actions questionable? While you can't control either of them, you could have a conversation with your BF about what's acceptable to you. If he's participating with her, it could be anyone. And if he's a "new comer" and presumably you have a year or more, why are you dating him? I wouldn't suggest dating (seriously) in the program at all. As for your original question. I wouldn't continue to sponsor someone who's behavior is affecting me or my sobriety. Personally, I've give them both the hook.
X 2- Anything that comes between me and my contented sobriety must go. God first, me second and then everyone else. Boundries are meant for you, not them. You can't control them, but you can protect yourself with not allowing the unacceptable in your life. We know longer need to settle for less. Disrespectful behavoir would be settling for less.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change- them
The courage to change the things I can- me and my choices,
Such a hot button topic. As others have said, you are the judge of having enough time to be a contributing partner in a relationship.
Newcomers are still sick. A telling thing to me about a person with more days, that hits on a newbie, is that they are still sick too.
Sick people attract sick people.
Nothing special about handling fear and jealousy. Talk as best as you are able with them and see if there is anything to it. Maybe just a misunderstanding. Maybe move on.
One thing for sure, don't drink! You may have discovered you are not ready for all of the firey emotions of a relationship
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Such a h Nothing special about handling fear and jealousy. Talk as best as you are able with them and see if there is anything to it. Maybe just a misunderstanding. Maybe move on. One thing for sure, don't drink! You may have discovered you are not ready for all of the firey emotions of a relationship
Quoted for Truth! Just don't drink. Relationships (gone wrong) are the number 1 cause of relapse for those that have some time in the program. And folks with 10, 20 years are not immune to this.
I've seen it time and time again. Relationships are optional, sobriety isn't.
You are probably NOT going to 'like' what I have to say ... Are you 'married' to this here BF of yours ??? ... if not, you have no reason to believe his relationship with you is 'exclusive' ... If he doesn't hold enough respect for you to be exclusive to you, then I would question whether this is 'the guy' for you or not ... ... ...
You really do not want me to remind you of what the 'Good Book' say about relationships when it comes to a man and a woman ... I'm 'old school' and I don't believe in 'sleeping around' with whomever you feel like until you get tired of them and then move on to someone new ... it's just not right ... nor is a bunch of other 'socially acceptable' behavior now-a-days according to my Higher Power ...
I feel a sexual commitment is a 'bond', for life ... I know many will disagree here, but that is simply how the Good Book teaches us ... if you don't believe in it, then my opinion is worthless ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 30th of August 2013 10:54:07 AM
I always enjoy your insights Pappy. Being a Big Book Thumper as they call us down south, going back to old Blue is my most traveled path when I get confuthered.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Thanks for your kind remarks guys ... it's always good to know that others respect each other for what we each stand for ... and ya'll obviously see this for what it was meant to be, just an opinion from some sober drunk that has learned a new way of life and is enjoying the heck out of it ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code."
When it comes to relationships, alcoholics are about the least qualified people to give advice. We haven't a clue what god has in mind for you.
What an invitation thread!! Violet for me this was practice time!! Go first to my sponsor...cry, whine, yell, scream, threaten, squeeze out the puss and poison and then say...Okay I'm ready to listen. Sponsor crap...good sponsor crap...loving sponsor crap part of which was "Ask God to give her everything in the world that God would give God's most loving person". The object of course was to release me from envy and jealousy first before I went into an other practice. Next out loud and sober I expressed my thoughts, feelings and intentions about the issue with my partner...who was my alcoholic/addict wife who couldn't drink worth a damn and like me anyway so I still had that justification. I didn't use like she did so I didn't have that as a justification. The feedback regarding the sponsee relationship is right on. A sponsee relationship that could threaten my own sobriety isn't a sober relationship...I don't forget to hug them (around the body...not the neck) and then remembering that my hands are not permanently joint I pull them apart and let the sponsee go. The rest is a crap shoot...if my partner follows the sponsee I've now got a more simple program; less distractions and more able to hear both my HP and Sponsor more clearly.
As for the other opinions offered...one of my centering tools is "Opinions are like a__holes...everybody has one". Another one is that the first addict I was married to was a religious fan-atic who came with a whole group of blithering idiots and books they thumped on and after they split my family into pieces with concrete justification to do so. Program got me to make amends for the resentments I held against exspouse and their church and what I was told was that they came to understand that the broke up many families. Many times I hear the stiffest egos from thumpers. Kind of reminds me of the AA Nazies I met when I first reached the doors of recovery. My HP keeps me away from both of these. Just my ESH. Keep coming back...
I agree with Dean. If this is affecting your sobriety or your friendship then I would end it, now. The last thing we need is a resentment, or one waiting to happen. Good luck.
Thank you for all your suggestions .. some were more helpful than others.
Of course I dont appreciate the opinion that I am still sick because I fell for someone with under a year sobriety. People will have their judgements. I did too, until I found myself in that situation.
Maybe I am still "sick". But I am a million miles from the girl I used to be.
I made a bad choice. Does that make me sick? I fell for the person underneath his sickness.
I let time evolve. I worked on my character defects, did thorough 6 & 7s , talked to people I trust in AA
After several months of exclusive relationship - where I'm from, "in a relationship" means exclusive - I have made the healthy decision to walk away. Healthy, but very difficult.
For me, an exercise in letting go and letting God. One day at a time. Put the guy down, one day at a time.
Re. the sponsee - she was more understanding than I could ever have imagined. She no longer wants to be friends with him, as she too can see how sick he is.
She valued me as a sponsor, even seeing all my imperfections! and chose to cut him off, and keep our relationship going.
I didnt drink, and don't intend to. Upped my meetings. Allowed my gratitude to flow. Worked with other alcoholics. Didnt sit with this alone.
Prayed a lot. Cried a lot.
Of course this is life and there are no tidy endings. But one day a time, reaching out and looking after myself, putting my sobriety first, I have reached a far less painful and crazy place.
Awesome Violet! No for the final outcome. That's between you and God, but for the way you walked through it utilizing The Program and Spiritual Principles. You picked me up this morning. Thank you!
Thanks for your share here Violet, ... ... ... I love it when a 'plan' comes together ... ... ... especially when it involves God's help through prayer ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
