Hello,

i am new to internet chat eccept a bit when i have gamed online. I want to tell you something up front.

I have been banned by my homegroup today. The police told me so.

I used this group to sober up 3.5 years ago. When I joined it, my temp sponsor pointed at the old guy starting my new group ad said, "Watch out for that guy. He's big trouble."

I joined anyway because the group calls itself "no rules AA". In my State of Oregon it is legal to obtain a permit to use the unpopular drug marijuanna. From wounds and trauma that began in the Marine Corps, it has come to pass that the Veterans Administration awarded me compensation because of 100% service connected PTSD. I am prescribed morphine, norco, and a litany of psychiatric drugs by va docs, and obtained a permit to use medcal mmj. I use each as prescribed/advised by my doctors.

now you know why i wanted to be up front. I didnt use one single drug listed above except alcohol for 30 years since I left the Corps. I used two fifths of 100 proof per day the last ten years of drinking or so. My last drink was 3.5 years ago. My first suicide attempt was 2.5 years ago. then one again with serious physical damage about 2 years ago. I am stable now but am feeling terrible that I have been booted from my home group.

Through all of this, I have not taken a drink. I did not want to live but after 25 years of hard drinking, really hard drinking, I couldnt face it and decided better to do the unthinkable. I lived and Im still sober, but as my homegroup pointed out, they will not tolerate anyone who will not vow to quit all drugs. I dont disagree or agree with this. I use what I use for personal reasons, and with the ecxeptin of this post I never introduce the topic and am very careful to respect the morals of others when I o comment on the topic.

Three days ago the leader of our now very large group began talking loudly over me each time I began to speak. Four tines in a row he shouted (elevated voice) ,"Shut the f&@$ up!" He had been complaining openly to the group that I was attemoting to get under his skin and that I was threatening him. I was not. However it is not in my nature to defend myself in interpersonal communications. PTSD. I simply remained silent each time he ranted. 

After shouting at me he denanded I leave the property. My morning group without missing any time not in hospital. Six days every week for the last three plus years. I just sat there. He calked the police and told them I used morphine, norco, mmj and other drugs, was stoned out of my mind, and was threatening ppl. I wasnt. The police came and within ten minutes said that I was welcome to stay at this public meeting if I chose. False charges.

The next day I obtained a Restraining Order against this man, the leader of my homegroup. In Oregon the standards for abuse of a disabled person is lower than others, and shouting obscenities is sufficient to obtain one. I am scared of the  man.

I showed up this morn to attend my first mtg since this began. My anxiety from this is off the charts and my diagnosis is severe ptsd. I havent slept more than a few minutes at a stretch for days. This stuff sets off a hyper-vigilance way of thinking and shutting off my mind is hard. But still I havent drank a drop. I do take morphine and the temptation to overdose for sleep is very high, but I have not and will not. But this morning when I showed up he man was already there. I called 911 as instructed when he didntleave.

Unfortunately I wasnt told that if the restrained person is already at a place first, then the two hundred foot limit to stay away from me does not apply. I wasnt told this. It isnt on the restrainng order. All of his rants and abuse happened during a mtg at gat place. But he is always there first because he has the keys.

the group informed the cops that I was hereby kicked from my homegroup and the cops said if i stayed that I would be cited fir trespass. I would definitely not have stayed in any case! The man is on a hair trigger frankly and i fear him. So i left. Banned from my AA by six people who claimed to be in charge if the no rules group to police. The police really dont want ti fiddle with us drunks anyway and they confirmed they would enforce the group ban As a trespass.

when i started to type this my mind began wandering down a very dark path. Now I see that journalling to others takes the edge off. I will not drink and I choose to live another day. I wish sobriety was easy. I made it very easy for my former group to despise who i am because I use pain killers. They became embarrassed to have me back in the group after treatment for self inflicted knife wounds up and down my forearm, figuring i guess that it reflected poorly on this new no rules group idea. Did you know not a single person phoned, or visited for the eight days I was in the acute care unit? Another friend of Bill W. is a nurse on that unit and pleaded with me to find a different group back then. Now would be the time but im nearly in tears at this moment for losing this place I walked to despite forarm crutches and a destroyed ankle. I walked the five miles round trip every morn. My pilgrimage, but that part is gone.

i havent drank for three  and a half years. In that time i have lost 200 pounds from 380 to 180. I still have no friends really but this is pure PTSD. Please dont mistake this for an excuse. I desperately want friends. I am in continuous treatment but this is a blow. I know they were never my friends. Polite at times and cordial, but our bathroom window opens onto the smoking area and they dont know it. Ive heard hem talk really crappy things about me because of the drugs. The truth is I dont feel a buzz at all from morphine and the others. It just takes the pain and anguish away for a bit, like the alcohol did. Alcohol kept me alive for thirty years until I arrived at stage four, 380 pounds and not a soul in the world that cared diddly about me.

So there it is. Im sober from alcohol, have no agenda about drugs and such(so beyond this post will not likely post them again, but will answer questions if you like), and finally I picked up my ipad and found this place that let me type this all in. Odd that im admitting just putting this down makes me feel better. For a very brief time today after the police told me that I would be arrested if i tried to stay in my homegroup, i thought how great a punishment it would be to leave a suicide note pointing my finger at them. This is where my mind can take me and my shrink will likely want me in the acute mental unit again if i told him this. 

But this day and night, however long, I will keep breathing and I will not drink. I know this is a wandering post but my flashbacks and intrusive thoughts are competing for my attention. It will pass. It just seems hard. Thank you very much for this opportunity to let this out. I hope I havent violated any forum rules.

Aloha Dennis there are some differences twix us and then more similarities.  I haven't been asked to leave meetings because of prescription use and I have because of behavior.  You're a quiet PTSD sufferer...I am not.  For me and in me the war is always on...throw in some of the other disabilities I have and I become at times "watched".  It's okay...I no longer drink which use to put the parenthethis aound it all.  I moderate my prescripts actively being very careful of why and when because ...just because.  Last night instead of the VA prescribed medication to keep me under after I went under I woke up and didn't go to that little brown bottle.  I went to the big brown one...the chunky peanut butter one and a slice of bread and a glass of milk which worked fine...put me down solid for another 5 hours and all of the goons in my head left town for who gives a crap where.  I'm always done with them and not the reverse.  I'm not as much suicidal as I am homicidal so it worked out well for my town also.  

You have got some real lasting power my friend...congradulations on the not drinking time.

One of the most important and valuable traditions for me is the tradition of anonymity...It is important for me to keep my own...or else others might be hard pressed to keep it for me.  I rarely if ever and then only to trusted fellows...speak of my medications and my PTSD, ADD, ODD, and any other acronym that verifies me as being crazy...no more than any other member of our fellowship.  LOL

You are welcome here...

The ONLY requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking... :)

Welcome to MIP Dennis, ... We're glad to have you here ... and congrats on 3 1/2 years ...

I love what's been shared so far in this post, but the thought that crossed my mind is 'there was no mention of the spiritual situation here' ... I would find it interesting to know the role, and the position, you're higher power has with you right now ... or rather, the position you have with your higher power ...

We learn pretty quick that we cannot do this alone, that we need help ... and that that help comes from working with another alcoholic and God(my higher power) ... as far as your use of prescription drugs?, I feel if a professional (Doctor) sees fit that you need them, by all means, do what he, or she, tells you to do, in the way that they prescribe ... ... ...

As far as your current situation with your home group, I think it would have been prudent to have found another group long before now ... the signs were 'written on the wall' so to speak, you knew this, or something similar was coming, so now is the time to take action and move ... I understand you may have difficulty with your physical situation, but there are those in AA that will assist you getting to a meeting in other areas, you just have to keep asking for help ...

Do what you gotta do, just don't go back to drinkin', cause you know, by now, that never was the solution ...


Love ya man and God Bless,
Pappy

Hi Atropine, and welcome. I'm really sorry to hear about how things turned out with that group, but it sounds like it wasn't a healthy situation and it looks to me like you're better off elsewhere. An AA meeting where one guy is allowed to interrupt you and shout you down while you're speaking is NOT what AA is all about. Frankly, that's messed up, and I say good riddance to them. But of course I do encourage you to find a better group. Don't just give up on meetings. It's a safe bet that just about any other group will be better than that one from the sound of it.

I am not in the same situation as you, but I have had some experiences that may allow us to relate. I'm not taking any meds now, but in my early sobriety I had a series of four major surgeries and lots of very painful physical rehab following them, so it was necessary for me to take prescription pain medication during that time. It was important that my doctor know that I was in recovery, and that we had to be very careful with the meds. I also found that, for me, it was best to give the meds to someone else and let them dispense them to me as needed, since I was not necessarily in the right frame of mind to decide if I should take ten more once I had taken the first one. At first I did this just because my sponsor told me to, but I then found that it really gave me peace of mind and relieved me of a lot of worries about the meds, and of constantly wondering if I was teetering on the edge of a relapse. I don't know if this is an option for you, but if it is you might consider it. I'm really glad it was suggested to me. In my case, it was an important goal for me and my doctor to work on reducing and eventually ending the meds. Sometimes that's possible, sometimes it isn't. We do what we can, we stay honest, we maintain our contact with our HP and we follow direction from those who know best.

I've also had some experience being unwelcome in a meeting, although it was quite a while ago. In my early sobriety, some people in a meeting that I attended regularly found out that I was gay. Some of the regular attendees who had anti-gay views decided to begin making anti-gay jokes and insults during their shares, and using lots of derogatory anti-gay terms in their conversations when I was around. (this was about 25 years ago when I was newly sober, it happens far less often these days). I eventually did speak up and told them off, and told them they should be ashamed of the way they were ignoring the Traditions. But beyond that, I can't change them and it's not my job to try, so I found some other meetings and haven't felt unwelcome in AA since then. That meeting and that situation was just an exception, not the rule, and I'm glad I didn't let those few people interfere with my recovery. I hope your experience getting through your situation ends as well for you as it did for me.

Tipsy McStagger wrote:

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You've come to the right place. They'll never kick you out of here. Trust me :)

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Oh, if you disrupt somebody's dogma, it can happen. Trust me.

What did you say, pappy? What got you bounced?

Or was it the ice cream cone caper . . . ?