I have recently found myself pulling away from AA. It began at around the year mark. I am an isolator- always have been. I don't trust people and I generally keep them at arms length. I thought I was working really hard at overcoming this. If I am honest with myself, I have not. I am still holding onto this fear... It's one I have not wanted to let go of. So, over the course of the past several months I have withdrawn from AA under the guise of a multitude of resentments I have collected that i call by different names. Meeting attendance has dwindled to a few a month. I have, as all of us who attend meetings do, heard countless times that this is the quickest route to relapse. I guess I had to test that one out for myself. I find myself filled with anger, self pity, resentment... All the makings of a dry drunk. I create reasons to isolate. I am physically sober, yes- but emotionally and mentally under the influence of my character defects with little defense. I realized today that not only do I need The fellowship of AA, but I WANT it. I want it like I haven't before. I work the steps, have a sponser and cherish the BB- and my passion for sobriety has been rekindled by my HP working through the people in my life. I was taking sobriety for granted, which cannot be done. A friend of mine has recently been going down fast in his own alcoholism. I've watched it for months knowing there was nothing I could do. I've prayed many times for him. He very much reminds me of myself while drinking. Yesterday I heard he was not doing well- fresh out of a 3 day detox desperate for a bed in a rehab that could not be found. I prayed. Today I forced myself to go back to my old regular noontime meeting. I did not want to go, but I knew I had to. So I walk in and who's sitting in my old usual seat? My friend! This guy whos never been to a meeting before looking scared out of his mind in the middle of an anxiety attack. Looking exactly how I felt. I knew right then that my HP heard my prayers and maybe had a chat with his HP, and in the weird world of small miracles where everyone's HP comes together as one I absolutely love this fellowship. I have learned to not turn my back on it again.
Great share Col and glad you are in a good place. It always amazes me how God puts people in out path when we are at the place we should be.
We all have to keep working on our defects and steps 10-12, the section on step 10 doesn't say "if" they will crop up but "when" these things crop up.
The longer I'm sober, the more I appeciate the beauty of how steps 10-12 flow....I love the paragraph below.
Pg84.We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. "When" these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Col that's my story except for the guy in my seat and then those miracles for me are additional eye candy where I get to hear HP say..."Watch the next one I do and you gotta be here to see it". I so need to hear that verification statement I want this because I need it. I had to fight to own those words and it was a hard fight for this isolator because I built some fast, hard, tall, large resentments against the fellowship and spoke them out loud in my early years. I then found I had lots of fear for the fellowship and none for the program. People scared me until there was nothing that could keep me out of the rooms. Early on I had been asked to leave certain meetings which was just fine for me and not now which I am so very grateful for. We can do this Col...together we can do this. (((((hugs)))))
I think the greatest part of the program is honesty. You were living away from what you honestly knew was right, and you overcame the demon by not only honestly recognizing it, but honestly sharing it. To me, that is why the program works. That is also called courage. By the way, we should start a thread on the examples of our HP interceding in miraculous ways. Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Wednesday 28th of August 2013 08:32:32 AM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thanks Colleen for sharing this.
For me atleast, keeping in fit spiritual condition is like physical exercise.
The practice of the 12 steps is spiritual exercise.
I found over the years as I practiced them my fitness increased and also those exercises became easier. As I get older physically, my physical exercise is very important or I will become totally disabled and so is my AA 12 steps program.
Spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Resentment is the stumbling block and I stumble and fall, grazing my knees. It heals and the scar is a reminder.
One of the great things about your recovery, as I read your posts, is the honesty you express. Your recovery will be a great asset to those that you sponsor.
Well done!
I got half way through your post and a 'BIG' light came on in my head ... ... ... The 'thought' ??? ... I thought, wow, this girl needs to sponsor someone right now ...
I have been in your shoes ... I came to AA, I worked the steps, I got and stayed sober ... now what, I thought ... is this all there is ??? ... my sponsor saw where I was headed, he told me NOW you're ready to sponsor someone ... wow, big step I thought ... so I did ... and even though I didn't feel qualified, I went about working with this new guy to help him work the steps ...
Wow, Wow, Wow ... if you think you know the program, just wait till you sponsor someone ... I found myself reading and re reading everything, cause I didn't want my new guy to fail because of my incompetence ... I am here to tell you, THIS is where I truly learned the program ... talk about walking the talk, I strived with all that was in me to do this ... and this is also where I learned to have a strong faith in God, cause the answers to my prayers were nothing short of miraculous ...
If you find yourself alone and thinking I have to get through, or endure another day, then you're not realizing the full benefits of this program ... I had to get off my ass and go do a little work with another alcoholic for the promises to become a reality in my life ... so go wash your hands and your face, an go find a sponsee ... and let the work and fun begin ...
Love you so much and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
That's an awesome share Col...I love it. I think a big part of our Spritual progress is sharing what we have. A lot of people make this choice and don't make it back. You saw it...You acted on it....Good stuff. You know the shortest prayer I know is..."Thank you". It's also one of my favorites.
