As a child - it didn't bother me much to swim in mucky waters... filled with seaweed or blood suckers or whatever else I didn't want to really know about.  I'd get a bucket of tadpoles and drag them back up to the house several corn fields away, only to be told by my mother to TAKE THEM BACK!!!  I loved all 125 of them equally - how could I take them back? 

So I would hide them under the porch, but soon I could see they weren't going to make it in my ice cream pail for long... and I would make the much-longer-this-time trek back to the pond, spilling some, and not wanting to pick them up because of their wiggly slimyness, but closing my eyes and doing it anyway because I couldn't let them just die in the summer air.

Things would get the best of me at that cow's watering hole.  There was the rock pile that we made from all the rocks that we picked from the fields.  I would find some of the big ones I was proud that I got on the wagon.  I could make a castle where I was queen, or inspect the creatures living under the ones I turned over.  The cows made big tracks, and I made lots of games of jumping from one squishy hoof print to the next.

Finally, the dragonfly's would spook me home in time for my bath and my mother would bring in a plate of food and set it on the side of the tub, and the adventure continued on a much smaller scale. 

I was so fearless during these times of intense pretend and wonder.  Imaginary worlds coming alive all around me... following me from morning and all the way into my dreams at night.  A little blood sucker on the leg or seaweed between the toes never was a deal breaker. 

In the last couple decades of my life, I forgot about those days of living all day outside and being okay with nature. 

Today, I was able to take my kids to the little local beach, and the water was just green and growing.  There were cat tails for picking at, and sticks for making motes.  Instead of sitting on the side lines... I JUMPED IN!!!!  Being a part of this recovery here in AA has led me to recover my inner child through ACOA work and getting in touch with my own children, who give me ideas and reminders and everything I need, to make that leap of faith that allows me to be OK with nature again!

It's so exciting.  I hung out in the water for hours with the kids.  For a good hour I just sat there and felt the sand and stared into the sky... kicking my legs and splashing every so often.  Feeling the waves.  People watching. 

Kids would come over to me, pour water on my legs, put sand on me... swim away.  I was roller skating with my kids on Wednesday, and I fell and got my first adult skinned knee.  One little girl inspected it, and then proceeded to 'tend to it' with water and sand for about 20 minutes.  We never even said hello or good bye, or anything more than when she asked me what happened, and I told her I fell roller skating... she didn't even flinch.  That wasn't surprising at all for her. 

It was for me.  I haven't been rollerskating before this month in 25 years!!!  Another moment of setting my inner kid free.

Some other kids swam around me, lingering and then off they went.  Some came to share my bucket and shovel... and then brought it back without looking at me.. just plopped it down in return.

I WAS A KID AGAIN!  My mind was there, my soul was open, my whole life was peace... and I attracted it around me, and for a moment, I wasn't a 35 yr old, or 5'9''.  I was just a kid playing amongst kids, doing nothing really, who had no idea that they will be a part of one of my most wonderful memories ever, as I add this day to the list of 'good ol times'. 

I can't help but think that there will be many more days like today... but even if it's just going to be this one... it was amazing.  I will never forget it... just like those tadpoles or that ol watering hole and rock pile.

The most amazing thing about finding my true self, has been the discovery that I am an okay gal.  People like me.  And it's just when I don't NEED them too... that I discovered this!  Hmmmm.  Thanks MIP family, for helping me grow up enough to be a kid again!  You're the bestest!

Hey JD,

Sup!

What a fun sounding day! Before I moved from SC I had a jet ski and boat at the lake in a rented slip. Part of sobriety was enjoying my daughter as she was going thru HS. I would pick up her and her cheerleader or volley ball team friends and go to the lake. It was fun, being an older kid, enjoying my kid, and her friends thought she was cool and had a cool dad.

The life I thought was gone forever was a returned gift from my HP.

So you are a confessed tadpole killer? Have you made appropriate amends?

And hopping about in the big cow prints... I can't but believe you stepped "in it" a time or two!

:)

i am looking forward to those things you are sharing as well.  AA got me clean and kinda sane.  Bringing ACA in seems like the rest of the story.

peace

mrpeel wrote:

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...fell in love with this post right after you saved the tadpoles.

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 Same here ... As you know Tasha, I was raised on a farm and grew up with all that entails ... I did the exact same thing you did, only I kept mine, much to Mama's dismay, and watched them grow daily ... as their tails got shorter, they sprouted these back legs, then the front legs, then the tail slowly disappeared and they all went wherever frogs go ... ... ... then I started catching and bringing home lizards, then snakes ... I'd show them off to my mom and dad and sister, then play with them a while and let them go ... 

I did bring home a big chicken snake one time which I kept in a pen I made ... I couldn't get him to eat, so I took a big syringe(the kind we used to inject medicine in our cows with), without the needle, and I'd mix up a raw egg and stick the syringe in the snake's mouth far enough to inject the egg ... I kept him a year then let him go ... 

I loved your post ... it made me think of how different your 'subject matter' is today versus this time last year ... wow, you're a big girl now, LOL ...