First of all, I am sorry that you are having to experience this. Although I am a man, I experienced something similar when I first came in to the program as well. I was very young when I was introduced to the program through the intervention of the court system. I chose a sponsor based on the fact that he was a very good looking fellow who had much more than his fair share of female attention - and I wanted his overflow. I was fortunate that he accidentally had excellent sobriety as well. Ironically, as you will have 90 days tomorrow, he sat me down at Denny's restaurant on my 90 days and told me that he was gay. He kept his sexual orientation a secret as it was not as acceptable to be gay at that point in history (boy does that make me sound old) but he did attend many gay meetings and he had many gay friends in the program who knew...it was only the straight folks who didn't know.
Anyway, many of his gay acquaintances either made the assumption that I must be gay as well, or simply didn't care, but I was flirted with, hit on and received much unwelcome attention from the gay community within AA (and to be honest, at that time in my life, outside of AA as well). I was, as you are, extremely uncomfortable and began questioning myself as to whether I was putting out some kind of signal - wondering how I could possibly be encouraging this attention. So when he shared with me that he was gay, I immediately asked him what the heck I was doing wrong to be attracting this kind of attention. What he shared with me has stayed with me and my experience has shown me that he was correct in his assessment.
First, he said, people come in to the program sick. For many, abstinence from alcohol is the only thing that they accomplish. They stay dry through meetings, but never get around to the steps or true recovery. For these folks, sexual problems not only do not get better, but in many cases sex addiction becomes a substitute for their alcohol addiction. Others, he said, do work the steps and get recovery. For these folks, their sexual behavior does not become worse but is usually toward the end of those things they fix. Quitting alcohol, quitting lying, stealing and cheating, becoming employable, regaining physical health, etc., usually come first and it can take many years before they get around to working on their sexual problems. Third, he told me that at the end of the day, I only could change my behavior and the way that he dealt with unwanted attention from women was to carry the mind set that in 50 years, he'd be happy if anyone flirted with him.
That last thought of his actually made sense to me. He taught me how to stop these attempts to pick me up with the illusion of grace until which time that I was able to actually have some grace about it. I would suggest that you form some relationships with women in the program and ask them for suggestions as they know the players better than anyone here and it will also give you a solid support group which I found imperative. In the meantime, I would not hesitate to force yourself to be blunt and say something to the next Romeo such as, "I am new in the program and such attention from men makes me feel uncomfortable. Could you recommend or introduce me to some women with good sobriety?"
The first line lets them know you are not interested; the second line allows them to help you and make some sort of amends - allowing them to save a bit of face. Helping them to save face is not your job, but when a person is allowed to keep some sense of dignity, the tend to be less defensive and actually might learn something helping you, by giving him the opportunity to introduce you to women with (in his opinion anyway) good sobriety, and perhaps you'll also be helping the next new woman by getting him to think twice before hitting on her.
-- Edited by Angell on Sunday 25th of August 2013 01:48:17 PM
Hey, I'm just sayin' if a woman has been blessed with a good body, then it isn't necessary to go around showing it off unless she's into that sort of thing ... if you come walking into a meeting with short 'shorts' and just a Tee-shirt or halter-top, you better be willing to take all the ogling that's goin' ta be coming your way ... I'm not saying that's what bty does, I simply suggested being 'conservative' with your attire ... I've witnessed other women in meetings get very P.O.'d when someone comes in revealing a lot of their 'attributes !!! ...
We have 2 or 3 young to middle aged ladies in our group that don't mind showing a little skin, if you know what I mean ... I find it distracting ... it makes it doubly difficult for me to concentrate on why I'm there sometimes ... do I get upset?, of course not ... it's just who they are ... AND, it's just who I am ...
My point ??? ... It's simple, just use a little common sense, that's all ... ... ... (cover that up -or- accept the attention)
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 25th of August 2013 04:14:40 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I am again coming to you guys for help, as there is no one at the meetings I feel comfortable talking to about this...tomorrow I get to pick up my 90 day chip. Haven't missed any meetings for all those days and feeling quite good. I love the meetings I have been going to and there is only one women's group during the week to attend. There are a few things which have happened which have bothered me. There are a couple of old timers as well as others that have made remarks about my looks. I am not flirtatious at all. I keep to myself most of the time, arms crossed and don't know how I could have encouraged this at all. I still sit in the very back and try to escape from conversation as I am not to the point yet where I am comfortable talking that much to anyone. Anyway, one of the oldtimers told me point blank that he was attracted to me and if I wasn't under a year of sobriety he would want to go out with me. The other oldtimer gave me his phone number and said if I ever needed a ride to call him. I have had men staring at me during meetings and one of them was sitting beside the speaker, just last night and I couldn't even look at the speaker while he was talking. I found myself getting extremely uncomfortable and jittery and I almost had to get up and leave. I am an extremely self-conscious person and have always hated to be stared at by anyone. If there were another chair in the room I would have gotton up and moved, but there were not. I find it hard to believe that I am in my 50's and this is happening and I feel sorry for the younger women who come into AA looking for a safe place. I know that since it is happening to me, it is happening to them even moreso. I just go to these meetings to stay sober. If I wanted to get picked up I'd go to a bar. It is extremely hard for me to stand up for myself because I have been in so many controlling relationships and my self esteem is so low. Also, I have been in a relationship with a man for five years and he stares at women all the time this way and it totally disgusts me and hate to deal with more of his kind at the meetings.
Congratulations on your 90 days. I urge you to get a woman sponsor if you haven't already. Unfortunately, the are a few members who haven't drank for awhile in meetings. Your best defense is to flat out tell them that their behavior is inappropriate and unwanted. Also, talking with someone who has experience dealing with these vultures will help your to get sober in spite of these sick individuals. Get a sponsor, get involved, and work the 12 steps
Hey bty, ... Congrats tomorrow for your 90 day mark ... That's a 'Biggie' ... ... ...
As for the unwanted attention, Angell had an excellent share here ... the only thing I might add, is you might want to look at the 'positive' aspect here, in that you must be attractive ... think of the alternative ... so I would think that you would want to be grateful for your appearance ... BUT, men will be men, regardless of the AA connection ... I think much of this is only natural, where it becomes unnatural is to get fixated on someone out in public, to the point they become obviously 'rude' ...
My wife has had one rule for me for 40 years, look, but don't touch ... but I know it's rude to stare ... and I can't help but think that a good looking woman is one of the most beautiful creations on earth ... and when my 'spiritual consciousness' is where it needs to be, then I simply love being in the company of someone like yourself, with No intentions other than enjoying your presence ... I know, many men will take it a lot further, and I do not approve of this sort of action ... we should, above all, respect each other and our own space ... (I hug all the women in our group, young and old, the pretty ones and the 'not so pretty' ones, fat ones and thin ones ... I have learned to see the person, not the skin nor age, to me, a hug is a hug ...) (now if I pat you on the back side, which I've never done, feel free to knock the hell out of me ... LOL) ...
So, be sure you're dressing conservatively (not revealing), and enjoy the attention ... just don't flirt unless you want the dirty ole men to get carried away ... LOL ... for me, I make it known that I'm hopelessly in love with my wife and that I'm harmless to the girls ... so I can flirt a little with the ladies with good sobriety time and we all enjoy laughing at each other for the fake facade we put on ... it's all in jest where I go ... AND I know, 90 days is not near long enough to have this type relationship with the members yet ... just keep going till they know you're a 'regular', then they'll back off ... just be patient my dear ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I agree with DB, since you are not able to speak to these people yourself, a more experienced woman in the group would probably have no problem saying something to these men about their completely inappropriate behavior. This type of behavior angers me, as AA should be a place where each and every person can feel safe at all times.
And Pappy, what does it matter how she dresses? That's like saying a rape victim deserves what she gets because of her low cut shirt. Betterthanyesterday is just there minding her own business trying to work her program and she has to deal with these ingrates. Sorry to get so worked up about this, but this has been a big sticking point for me in my 6+ yrs in the halls. I have had to tell guys to repeatedly knock it off, and then resort to telling them my husband would come to the next meeting with me and have a chat with them in the parking lot. I worked WAY too hard at getting and keeping my sobriety to have to put up with that kind of nonsense.
I dealt with this in the bars... in the rooms... at Walmart... at the library. There are men everywhere and some are pigs. Aa is not exempt from this. I spoke about it in meetings to irradicate the problem. All it took was sharing that I was here for recovery and nothing else like a dating scene or one night stand. If I run into a pig now... I share this again. Works for me.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Also... that helped me believe it and have to live it. I was a sucker for any attention that temporarily filled the void. That's all stuff you can feel and learn from and recover from in aa. Keep coming back!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I dealt with this in the bars... in the rooms... at Walmart... at the library. There are men everywhere and some are pigs. Aa is not exempt from this. I spoke about it in meetings to irradicate the problem. All it took was sharing that I was here for recovery and nothing else like a dating scene or one night stand. If I run into a pig now... I share this again. Works for me.
Yup it seems to be part of life, not just AA. But let me share another perspective. At 90 days you don't have a sponsor nor have you made much progress in meeting female friends. You sit in the meetings trying to be inconspicuous, arms crossed, closed off.
When I see someone in our rooms like that I will talk to them and try and encourage them, whether they are male or female. That's because I know someone who isolates like this won't be around long if they don't get involved. Low self esteem and extreme self consciousness are part of this condition, so a few compliments would only be intended to make you feel a little more like you belong here and people like you.
Perhaps you look like you are longer sober than you are. I note one of the men who expressed an interest thought so and then withdrew when he discovered you were just new. That seems an honorable approach to me. The other chap offered you his number for a lift to a meeting if you needed it. No crime there, you don't have to call if you don't want to. He left you in control, instead of asking for your number.
Of course being extremely self centred myself, I found this very hard to take when I was new. I thought I was the centre of the universe and whatever I did I just knew people were watching ME and talking about ME because it's all about ME. And I made the mistake of judging everyone else by my own standards.
At about 60 days I guess, I fell "victim" to a predatory female in AA. Yes we have those too. However, although it was a painful experience, I was well past step 5 and the spiritual experience was happening for me. When it all fell apart, God kept me safe. There was no need to drink. In fact it turned out to be one of the most valuable experiences I have had. I was able to apply the program and see my part in it. And my part was much more than you would have thought.
I have noticed over the years that boy meets girl on AA campus is an ongoing issue and for the most part, is just part of life. The exception is the 13th stepper who chases newcomers. They are generally not tolerated in my groups and we keep an eye out for the newcomers. But what will happen to someone who falls victim to one of these predators? If they've worked the steps and had their spiritual awakening, they'll handle it without drinking. If they haven't, they may well get drunk.
There is nothing magic about 90 meetings. There is nothing in the Big book that says you can get sober just by attending lots of meetings. To me the subtext of your post ist that you are becoming discontent with the meetings and the people in them, which is a sign that the internal condition is coming back.
Rather than focus on the perceived wrongs of others, and build them into a reason for not being in AA, perhaps it would be wise to reflect on the first step, that we are powerless over alcohol. That means that unless we have had a spiritual awakening as the result of taking all twelve steps, we could drink at any time. We have lost the power of choice in drink, we never get it back. When you undestand that, the importance and urgency around taking those steps becomes clear. Get a sponsor, work those steps, and remeber rule 64.
And Pappy, what does it matter how she dresses? That's like saying a rape victim deserves what she gets because of her low cut shirt.
I feel confident that Pappy didn't mean this, even before seeing his response. I do, however, understand your point. That said, there are many people, their sex aside, who dress in a manner specifically designed to attract attention. I had the opportunity to be present when Danica Patrick complained, "I'm tired of being objectified; they never objectify male driver's this way." I was unceremoniously removed from the room when I quipped, "If you don't want to be objectified by others, stop objectifying yourself. You might start with the GoDaddy commercials."
I think that Pappy and I see things the same way on this one.
In time we learn more and do more for ourselves. More time and sitting in the back quiet developes into getting open and honest at least for me it did...cause I was one of those isolators and very self conscious. You are not blessing ooglers by not saying anything and overtime even the most egocentric alcoholic becomes trained. Hang around married types...partners and people the ooglers do not hang around. The condition is temporary especially as you know your value system and stand tall on it. Sorry you have to deal with your own sobriety and the lack of it in elders all in the same 90 days and when I learned I was part of a world-wide fellowship of alcoholics I widend my field of expectations considerably. Today it isn't a problem cause I know what I am responsible for. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
This is my experience as a guy. It is funny now, embarrassing then. Feel free to laugh. After a year of sobriety I met a nice young lady at the gym. We worked out hard. She was amazingly beautiful. I was not looking for a relationship or anything I. The first year or so, but I did notice her. Well, after a while of working out and getting better shape, I noticed this guy looking at me and getting all chatty in the men's fitness center. I mentioned it to her, and she laughed. This went on a while and then he started asking to work out with me and getting a bit too friendly. She told me if you work out to look good, you are gonna get attention, some you want, and some you don't. And to be a smart ass she asked the guy to work out with us!
But the big thing I would say is to steer clear of emotional entanglements. Romantic or even hostility. This guy is potentially out of line, or maybe just ignorantly rude. Guys are everywhere, and some are that way. It isn't illegal, and AA is not a 100% safe zone as much as we want it to be.
I don't know how you feel really. As a guy we just don't get that. I had one guy that was a little too friendly, and the womani worked out with found great humor in seeing the tables turned for once. But I still don't know how a woman feels on a weekly basis.
A good sponsor would be a help. Being in your 50's and knowing this sensitivity is an issue seems like something to pray about and work with your sponsor. A sponsor is a good thing. At 90 days, there may be a few things in life you want to work on yet. The low self esteem may be visible to others. Complimenting you may be an attempt to encourage you. I know I have good intentions but quite often my words fall short. It happens to others as well.
Hang on and keep on stacking up sober days. The way you look at things in 180 days may be different.
Congratulations on your 90. May you be blessed a always being sober for just today.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Hey sober strummer - I knew it was you by the name before I read the post and saw your cute avatar : ) Get ready for lots of unwanted attention if you're THAT CUTE!!! LOL
Good to see you over here too : ) Welcome aboard!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey sober strummer - I knew it was you by the name before I read the post and saw your cute avatar : ) Get ready for lots of unwanted attention if you're THAT CUTE!!! LOL
Good to see you over here too : ) Welcome aboard!
Hola my Friend!
Ha! Just a drunk. What a great title. I tell people I am just a garden variety drunk.
i picked up the 90 day chip twice. I didn't get a sponsor or work the AA program. I did it my way. But it ruined my drinking.
I gotta say it is great to see a person wanting to stay sober, knowing they need to. It is easy to forget, this disease will do anything to kill us.
__________________
"I spent a lifetime in hell and it only took me twelve steps to get to heaven."
"Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you."
Welcome to MIP 'Sober Strummer' ... glad you found us and I loved your post ... good one ... and yes, I did chuckle a bit ... and yes, I DO know the feeling about the unwanted attention (although it's been years ago) ... LOL
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Sorry I posted this right much earlier and am just now getting back. Have been out most all day and then had to get my meeting in. Thanks to everybody for taking the time to post your helpful responses. I think that after reading what I posted and then what you all posted, and tried to look at it more objectively, that perhaps I am letting it bother me more than it should. I've always been that way -- it is the being overly sensitive, I guess. I never thought that at my age that I would still be this way, and I remember mom telling me years ago that I would get over a lot of it and not let what people said or did bother me so much. I think I am really a lot worse. Maybe that is the drinking, as I have been drinking since 18 and really heavy drinking these last five years. My average per day was about 16 drinks. So perhaps if I had not been drinking so much over the years, I wouldn't be this reactive to situations.
I have lost some weight since I stopped drinking, and have enjoyed wearing clothes that I didn't feel comfortable wearing before--not trashy ones, but ones that make me feel good about myself. But I will try to be aware of not wearing anything provocative. This may sound awful and hope I don't offend any ladies who are in the same age bracket as me, but I just thought that at my age, I wouldn't have any men looking at me, and most of them were just interested in much younger women. That could be because the one I'm with has hurt me so much with staring at women who are as young as my daughter. Additionally, I had aged in looks so much from the drinking that I couldn't even stand to look in the mirror. I felt like I was undesirable to anyone. I am looking healthier and I don't really think of myself as being that attractive at all--just not as sick looking, but still look not as well as I thought I would after 90 days of sobriety. My trust level is not much more above zilch right now and I don't know if I will ever be able to have a healthy relationship--romantic or otherwise. My major focus is just staying sober. I don't know if I will ever be able to share in these meetings or not. I know I need to be friendlier and am trying to be to the women in the rooms. I have told you guys and gals more on these posts than I have told to people in AA during these past almost 90 days. I trust you and maybe that's because I am not in the same room with you and not afraid you are going to laugh at me for saying something stupid, or stare at me, or judge me, whatever....as that is how my mind works. (I know I know it's not all about me, but it is hard to convince my mind of that but maybe I'll straighten up and grow up the longer I'm sober.) I'm just glad to be alive, and have AA and this posting board to help me. Thanks for sharing your stories, too. Means a lot to me. I know I am still such a mess, but a sober mess and not a drunk mess anyway.
Great post bty, ... One of the things I learned in AA, and you've probably heard it already ... is 'what other people think of me is none of my business' ... don't rent space in your head for these other people to take up space ... keep listening for now ... when you feel like sharing, you'll do well ... ... ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Great post bty, ... One of the things I learned in AA, and you've probably heard it already ... is 'what other people think of me is none of my business' ... don't rent space in your head for these other people to take up space ... keep listening for now ... when you feel like sharing, you'll do well ... ... ...
I agree, Roger. They're plenty of 13 steppers out there just waiting for the right opportunity. And believe you me; they don't have our best intentions in mind. So it's important to set up 'healthy' boundaries wherever we go. It's how I separate good behavior from bad.
I also try to stick close to the winners. You know, people who work the program of recovery, and not work some sort of angle. It's how I came to believe.
Remember: You may be new to A.A. but you're not new to the world. So I suggest you develop a good support network, just in case. They can help you work through these challenges.
Hi betterthanyesterday52, Congrats on the 90 days! And I agree with angell's comments. Good advice, angell.
You did mention that you do have a weekly women's meeting in your area, right? I would encourage you to continue working on friendships in that meeting especially, talk to them about this issue (and any other issue!) and perhaps ask some of those women what other meetings they go to, and attend those meetings with them. This may help you to feel more comfortable. And of course, please consider asking one of these women to be your sponsor and show you how they worked the 12 steps.
BTW, I happen to be gay, and there have been several times through my sobriety when straight women would choose to attend some of the gay meetings I was attending because these women were dealing with the same issue of being uncomfortable with attention from straight men in their meetings. Just another idea for you to consider
My sponsor gave me some very good advice when I first came to AA and it has stayed with me ever since.
1) AA is not a mutual admiration society. You are going to meet people you don't like, it's not important.
2) People come to AA for all sorts of reasons. Some are alcoholics who come for the purpose of staying sober and helping other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Keep an eye out for these!
3) People have feet of clay!
Number three has a wealth of meaning. What he was telling me was that it was not my relationship with the people in AA that will keep me sober, (remember we are beyond human aid) it is the relarionship I have with the God of my inderstanding that will keep me sober no matter what else happens. His sole focus in sponsoring and teaching me was to connect me with that Power through the 12 steps.
Just as no human power could relieve my alcoholism, neither can any human power reactivate it.
I've really enjoyed reading everyone's experience, strength and hope. Though I haven't dealt specifically with some things brought up, I have enjoyed reading, with open-mindedness, everyones perspective. What I've learned is, no matter what my problem, the problem is my perspective. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that is the root of my problems.
Until I'm willing to take some action and, ask others for their experience, strength and hope, I can not make progress.
Angell, I really like this experience you had to share... "First, he said, people come in to the program sick. For many, abstinence from alcohol is the only thing that they accomplish. They stay dry through meetings, but never get around to the steps or true recovery. For these folks, sexual problems not only do not get better, but in many cases sex addiction becomes a substitute for their alcohol addiction. Others, he said, do work the steps and get recovery. For these folks, their sexual behavior does not become worse but is usually toward the end of those things they fix. Quitting alcohol, quitting lying, stealing and cheating, becoming employable, regaining physical health, etc., usually come first and it can take many years before they get around to working on their sexual problems. Third, he told me that at the end of the day, I only could change my behavior and the way that he dealt with unwanted attention from women was to carry the mind set that in 50 years, he'd be happy if anyone flirted with him. "
This is a very nice way to explain our some of our character defects. One thing I need to remember is, "Progress not Perfection" isn't an excuse to continue my same behaviors. If I have any inclination a decision or action is for the wrong reason, there might be some validity to it. In addition, there are things that I'm not good at but there are also things I know I'm able to get better at.
-- Edited by stayhumble on Tuesday 27th of August 2013 07:23:42 AM
__________________
Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
I'm sorry if I came across short and angry in my above post. I moved a little over a week ago and have been away from my regular meetings as it's too far to drive now. I feel disconnected and pissed off, I actually got in a verbal fight at Staples yesterday with a woman I cut off...horrible hateful language from me, she had no idea who she was dealing with when she threw the first words out. Change for this alcoholic is tough. Gotta work on a new meeting schedule today..peace!
Last night as I was leaving a meeting and guy was goo gooing at me (which hasn't happened in a long time to this extreme) and like literally HOOTing and whistling and yelled "you better be here next week, cuz I'm staying sober just to see you!" And I looked back at him and was like "good".
I WISH I would have said "No buddy - YOU keep YOU sober". But I'm still not that quick and plus, I was taken back because of this guys extreme disrespect in front of like 50 people in the parking lot.
I thought of this thread - and how someone said "just be glad you're getting hit on - in 30 years you'd be really happy". Well I'm 35 and have 2 kids. People haven't behaved this way around me in more than 10 years for good reason (30 lbs of it).
I decided that instead of beating myself up for not standing up for myself, or saying something better, I was just going to take it as a compliment and smile all the way home. After all, I'm only in control of ME - it's the epitome of the serenity prayer and the things I can control: My thoughts on any given thing and my acceptance level for what is.
I will go back to that meeting next week - wearing my bucket hat and scraggly mom clothes like I was last night, and be happy that someone finds me attractive just the way I am. I'm not going to try to look EVEN better like I would have in past days. That's the part where growing up meets having thoughts that I don't have to act on, nor get external validation about.
Love recovery... love AA... googlers and all!!!!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Good for you Tasha, ... that's the way to view it ... as long as the creep doesn't get all touchy/feely, you're good to feel grateful for the way you look ... no harm done! ... AND ... I'm glad you didn't let it go to your head ... LOL
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
justadrunk...
Hey, that sounds like one of the same guys at my meetings. Last night he came up to me right when he walked in and told me that when he first walked in the door he saw me and I looked so great. He took my hands and was holding them and I really should have pulled away. He kept on and on and I tried to make little eye contact with him and then the lady chair person said she wanted to start the meeting and although other people were standing up talking, she called his name out in a rather curt tone, so I felt like since I didn't take care of it she was doing it for me. After the meeting I was walking as fast as I could to get somewhere away from him to say the closing prayer but he managed to get next to me and kept on about how great I look and then he said "And you smell great, too." He said this rather loudly and I replied "Oh really? Well, I'm surprised because my arm pits are soaking wet from sweating so much when I had to get my chip" (we get them everyday for a week here). He kept squeezing my hand, pressed his arm into mine during the prayer. Well, after the meeting on the way to the car he was behind me and started talking about how he didn't get any sleep the night before and was exhausted. I told him I had only gotton an hour of sleep myself so could empathize with him. He said, "Maybe we can take a nap together." I didn't reply because I didn't think that deserved a response. Then he said he was just kidding.
He's been sober 20 years and I am sure there will soon be someone else at these meetings he will hit on besides me. (Poor woman).
Thanks bty, ... sounds like you're handling things with the right attitude ... just don't let yourself be found 'alone' with this guy, stick close to others when you go to meetings and you'll be okay ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
OK, this guy deserves to be told off loud and clear. Like: "Leave me alone. You're being a jerk. And while you're at it, mister '20-years-sober', go ask your sponsor to remind you why we don't 13th step the newcomers". If you're not comfortable standing up to him right now, I'll bet there are lots of others (men and women both) who would be happy to step up and assist you. This guy has no business treating people in any way that makes them feel unsafe, unwelcome, or uncomfortable in an AA meeting. It's an extremely selfish disregard for the newly sober member and their recovery and it should not be tolerated. Just my 0.02.
thanks pythonpappy and davep12and12,
this guy is a pretty big guy and intimidating looking. I told the guy I have been with about him and he even said he's scared of him and he said he wasn't going to confront him and would tell him that he is single and I'm on my own. Well, no surprise because he has been acting that way for 5 years with me, and he is too busy checking out the younger women in the meetings himself to notice. In fact, since we no longer sit together at the meetings, there is an attractive woman who is one of the ones he has been staring at right in front of me. I told him to be careful, because some of the women in there are vulnerable and needy that it wouldn't take much encouragement from a male. who has been sitting beside him when there are plenty of other chairs available. It is all ok in my mind. I found out he has been cheating on me anyway. (There was a heavy perfume smell in the car when he got back from two appointment last week and I don't wear perfume). That and he came back drunk both times and we were both at the same day count--or so I thought. Ever since then, he has to ask me the day count we are on, although he has been going up and getting the 90 day chips this week. I sure couldn't do that if I had fallen off the wagon.
The good thing is I am really really happier for the first time in years and love being sober. I am making plans to change my living situation as soon as I make enough money to pay for the cheapest place I can find because I can no longer tolerate being with a liar or a cheat and I cannot risk being around anyone that drinks.
Hey bty, ... ... ... NOW you know why 'total honesty' is a must in working this program ... we cannot stay sober without it ... AND there is no lasting 'peace & serenity' without it either ... I feel you would do well to get away from this guy you're with before he drags you down with him to the gates of a 'drunken Hell' ... ... ... only misery and suffering lie within that way of life ...
God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pappy,
Totally agree with you about that and am going to work harder than I ever have to do just that. I have been a torn up mess for over five years now. I have even wished death on myself many times. I am the only one who can change the situation alongwith the help of AA and the guidance from my HP--who I thank everyday several times a day for keeping me sober the day before and help in keeping me sober each day, as well as for guidance. I've probably prayed more in the past couple of weeks than I have in the last ten years.
I have already started to change inside and feel a peace I don't remember every having before. I am not suspicious as I was and getting sick to the stomach at the thought of being cheated on. I have known all along from all the stuff that has happened and wanted to believe the lies because I thought I was so in love with this person and couldn't live without him. Now I am beginning to love myself, which I can never remember doing and always thought I had to have a man in my life to make me happy (been that way since I was in my early teens). No more. My focus is on staying sober, trusting and looking for signs from my HP, and healing so that hopefully I can help others who have this horrible disease.
I am not financially able to leave today, but hopefully I will be able to do so before long.
Thank you so much for all your postings, support and insight, too. It is people like you and others that really have made a difference in my life!
Love and God Bless,
bty
Hold onto this current 'attitude' you have for spiritual growth bty and for staying sober ... you will learn it's the most valuable thing in your life, never let that go ... you will be in my prayers for the extra personal strength you need to make the change here ... I believe you have your head on straight and are serious about recovery, God Bless you for that ... your local AA group should grow into being your close, personal family with whom you get to know like brothers and sisters ... nurture that feeling ... they will become the people you can and will 'depend' on for your sanity ... and of course, those of us here at MIP too ...
Stay the course ... you know what you need to do ... for me, in early sobriety, prayers were about all that really got me through each day ... and I must admit, today I do as the BB suggests too, I have continued my daily prayers as it shows us on pgs. 86 & 87 ... ... ... it's part of the spiritual thingy that keeps us sober ... it works, it really, really does ... ... ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
