Facing the sister in law -

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Facing the sister in law -

Angell · Senior Member

There are three major events in my sobriety that have changed the way that I looked at the world and that I credit with my continued recovery. The first was to go no-contact with those family members with whom I had toxic relationships with. I think you will be happy with the results of your plan.

gonee · MIP Old Timer

Some of my family and friends were sick spiritually. I just put them on my prayer list and moved on. If I was to make contact, I kept the conversation light. In the fullness of time, God made the opportunity available for me to share with them, and rebuild the fellowship with them and restore it as best as possible.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I used to loathe my sister ... we had grown apart for years ... I had my friend King Alcohol to keep me company and she had her greed with sucking every nickel, dime, and penny she could from mom and dad ... she is a shop-a-holic and that requires money ... she won 30,000 dollars from a radio contest and that lasted less than a year ... she just bought 'stuff' ... so much stuff that you could not even walk a straight path in her house without stepping all over this 'stuff' ... (maybe she's a 'hoarder', I don't know) ... she also got 10,000 dollars from mom as a dying gesture from mom, as did I ... I paid off bills, she went and bought more stuff ... (there are more stories here, too long to go into)

My sister has a problem as severe as my alcoholism, it just goes by a different name ... I finally came to grips with this relationship in working step 9 ... I saw I needed to fix me, not her ... so in making amends, I cleaned up my side of the street and then, even though I still take her inventory, I let it go ... she will probably never change ... I wanted to explode when she talked my 84 y/o dad into giving her 'Power of Attorney' to manage his estate ... she proceeded to obtain a 'reverse mortgage' and buy more stuff, large 'flat screen' TV, HD TV service, etc. ... ... ... now comes the time to pay that loan off ... and I doubt the property sale will even cover the loan ... so, the inheritance that her kids, my kids, and me would have gotten (ranging from 10,000 to 50,0000 a piece according to his 'will') is now 'zero' ...

My 1st emotion from all this is 'hate' ... but I cannot afford that in sobriety, it will eat me alive and I'll drink over it if I don't turn it over to God ... I have learned to let Him be the judge and for me to let it go ... I do have everything I need, but it would have been nice to afford a better wheelchair for my son ...

So, Tasha ... ... ... you're not the only one with sibling issues ... I turn to the 'Serenity Prayer' when that old anger issue with my sister rears its ugly head ... It's the only way I can remain sober ... and thank God and people like you guys for reminding me daily of my own personal weaknesses ...

Love you lots,
Pappy

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

gonee wrote:
Some of my family and friends were sick spiritually. I just put them on my prayer list and moved on. If I was to make contact, I kept the conversation light. In the fullness of time, God made the opportunity available for me to share with them, and rebuild the fellowship with them and restore it as best as possible.

Thanks Gonee. A wise approach that we could all learn from.

In my case I made strenuous efforts over the years with my mother and sister, with plenty of prayer too I might add, but it was not to be. I have just had to accept that. The pair of them have cut themselves off from all of the rest of the family (about 100 in all) and will have nothing to do with any of them. To their credit, they are very fair minded. They hate all of us equally!

As you suggest, they are spiritually sick, but as with all such folk, it is beyond my power to "fix" them. I can only pray.

God bless,

MikeH.

Mike D · MIP Old Timer

Hi, it's great to meet you and get to know you. Even though I've been sober since 1988, I'm very new to online A.A. so I hope you'll overlook any mistakes I might make here. I also hope you won't mind if I share my experience with troublesome relatives and sick family members. Being the normal garden-variety sick alcoholic that I was, I had many toxic relationships with lots of relatives. My mom was the most toxic situation of all. Everyday I stacked brand new resentments on top of old ones. As you might guess, I had a huge pile of anger inside me. When I first began putting some sobriety together, I decided that they were all very sick and I should just stay away from them -- which I did as much as possible. But that didn't really work because I was still carrying them around with me in my mind. Then it happened. At the urging of my first sponsor, I wrote out a Fourth Step inventory and found out that I wasn't faultless in those family relationships. Yes, of course, they'd made some mistakes but I discovered that I had done plenty of wrong things too. I saw that I was just as toxic as they were. Eventually I found myself admitting my mistakes and correcting my wrongs by making amends to all of them at Step Nine. After that, I left the rest of it to God. Following that, the strange thing that happened was that I no longer felt that I had to avoid them to maintain my serenity or sobriety. I had a new perception of them, and a new perception of myself. I was totally at peace with them, and with myself. Strangely for a guy like me, I started seeing the good in them. I never ever expected anything like that. After my mom passed away, I had no regrets or any unfinished business after her death. In other words, through the power of the Steps I was able to reconcile with my family members and be happy around them -- even though I know that no one in my family is perfect......especially me. Thank you very much for letting me share with you. Mike D.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mike D : ) Nice to meet you and a pleasure to have you here!

There have been some interesting discoveries for me since I posted this.

I just haven't given my sponsor a rest on this one in almost a year since I did my steps. I keep coming back to it and back to it. I keep thinking that there just has GOT to be some sort of amends to make. What I finally got to was that YES I am still glaring in my defects of character. NO - there is no amends to be made. I have never done a thing wrong to these people in any way - OTHER THAN - try extremely hard to try and get them to like me. Bending over backwards and going above and beyond to have a relationship with these sister in laws. They just don't like me. POOR ME - doesn't like that - so I do even MORE trying and trying and before you know it, I have a resentment that none of the calls, cards, gifts, love, chats etc are reciprocated, and me being selfish and self centered... just can't give up on the idea of having a big sister (or 2) finally - and so I try even harder... with more FAKE me - and more basic manipulation... though seemingly kind and good, totally not true to me anymore... and totally not accepting the fact that they just aren't going to like me. Trying to force and control them in my own way.

An amends to them would be YET ANOTHER attempt to fulfill my sick need to have everyone like me, and just another attempt to get what I want. It would have nothing to do with them at all. I resent them for resenting me - when in fact - I SHOULD be focusing on not giving a crap what others think of me, and just going on to pray for them and turn it over.

In this case - an amends is just more harm to me and to them. Only took me a year to finally get to a place of acceptance with it ; )

It's an unusual circumstance too with adult grandchildren of alcoholics who's mother (adult child of an alcoholic =UNTREATED AND VERY SICK) is constantly fluffing around with the poor me's and alcoholism is a choice. They feed their ego's on it regularly, and it's just not healthy for me to be around anymore than necessary. God bless em - change me.

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Nice one, Tasha! You sound in a really good place with it. I'm happy for you.

Mike D · MIP Old Timer

Hi again, Just a drunk: I know from experience that family matters can be extremely complicated and difficult. All we can ever do is try to do our best and explore all the resources and possibilities we have available. I sure hope things will get better for you and your family someday. Keep your faith and keep sober. Blessings, Mike D.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Tasha, ... you sound like you're working this out in the right way ... I do believe your current thoughts and views are the results of properly maturing in the program ... my hat is off to you ... you continue to be an inspiration to me daily ...

Love you and God Bless,
Pappy