I haven't been happy with the way I've been behaving lately around MY alcohol.
I haven't got so far as to stop it, quite yet. But I am so dang close. (substitute appropriate expletive)
My wife is scared for me. My son is almost ready to confront me about it. My daughter has her own stuff to deal with right now.
All of my family knows my poor behaviors around the drink.
And I know I am an arse with it.
So, I'm reaching out, kinda...
Quit date will be coming along... sooner than later.
But for now, I have history and have worked the steps in another program before alcohol became a problem. I quit smoking cigars 625 days ago. And yet I drink. I claim my drink is to relax and I fear it is to run away. I cannot picture a relaxing time without a drink in hand. And I don't like the image. I've driven when buzzed and know I'm pushing the limits. I scare myself anymore.
I guess I'm trying to find a place to identify with. People who know this man I've become. People who can pledge daily to keep their sobriety...like I pledge daily to keep my quit. Once I give my word I do not renege. But I will need ears and hands and hugs upon occasions.
Thanks in advance for your considerations,
Craig (almost ready for the statement, I'm craig and I'm an alcoholic)
I couldn't imagine life without having drinking in my life, but I couldn't imagine keeping on the way I was going. I tried every trick in the book to kick the problem by myself, but it didn't work.
Oh and he comes with eye-candy avatar...Hi my name is Jerry F and I am a chevoholic. Aloha Craig and welcome to the board. You ain't a bad person you're a sick person who might do completely awful and unacceptable things when he drinks just like this alcoholic. If you have become the very last person who is concerned about you and your drinking you're in the right place. I was that last person and while everyone was standing by the sideline waiting for me to implode while I thought I didn't have a problem a power greater than myself decided to quietly and gently move me toward and thru the doors of recovery. I wasn't alcoholic...I couldn't pronounce the word much less spell it or define one even when with a little feedback I would admit that my entire family on bothsides of the geneaology were either alcoholic or addict and both. I never thought I was...I just didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know however I was willing to sit in countless meetings listening to others in the rooms of recovery tell me they had lived my life also.
You're second guessing yourself...I know because I did that myself before finally taking the "are you an alcoholic assessment"....HEY!! may be that is the nudge you need to look into also. Get the assessment (you can even find it on line) and check your score against what qualifies. You can even do what I also did...go to college to study about our disease however it was the assessment that I finally took which got me to my first AA meeting...sitting in the back; in the dark; isolating (just like I drank) wondering what would happen when I finally got the words out of my mouth for the very first time. No one laughed, or guffawed no one chided or scolded, no one lectured...they just kept the meeting going.
This could be the start of something big for you and then...just do the assessment first and move on to the first step. Good to have you here...don't drive the El Camino drunk or drunk and fast. Keep coming back.
Good responses to your post already ... and I agree, if you even think there's a possibility that you're alcoholic, you are ... you see, if we, here on this board, take one drink, that immediately makes us think we can and should have another ... that leads to another and another and another, well, you get the point ... We simply cannot stop drinking after having that 1st drink ...
Ya see?, the alcohol triggers something in our brain that makes us 'think' differently ... and by the age I was at your age, alcohol became my number one priority in life, it controlled my thoughts, and it was always, more, more, more ... and I started having some very serious health issues about your age ... I started feeling 'tired' all the time ... oh, I could get into something for a few hours maybe and do quite well, but then I wanted to sit back and 'relax' ... much the way you describe your habits now ... and that meant I wanted to 'have a few' ... but I started 'not' being able to just drink 2 beers ... 2 beers lead me to a 12 pack and beyond ... then I found it easy to make up some excuse to drink before noon ... and the rest is history ...
If you have coffee in the mornings, how high does your heart rate get ??? ... do you feel anxiety at this time of day ??? ... is your 'blood pressure' elevated ??? ... do you feel a little more 'panicky' these days over daily problems ??? ... are you afraid to tell someone you care about that you're giving up drinking, because you're not sure you can and may fail ??? ...
If you've been thinking about this lately, then you are most likely alcoholic ... and the thing is, we cannot tell you that you are, YOU have to ... ... ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I appreciate the thoughts and welcomes. I hear your comments, If I think I am...I am. Doesn't mean I want to admit it yet. Of course I haven't hit the "hollywood" bottom for an alcoholic, waking up in the gutter. But its pretty damn bad when I've been up 24hrs before my sons graduation from high school and while barbecueing dinner for all the house guests, tie one on with my favorite sin...and then the neighbor adds to it with his bottle of.... And I pass out without eating. Just another episode I beat myself up over. Forgiving the 'self' is one of the hardest things to do.
I value the advice to check out the assessment. But I know my excuse of a drink a day (that multiplies with the evening) is only that, an excuse. I do not need this...I merely want it. And at the same time I have built my bodies chemistry to be one where I do need it to maintain the unhealthy me I have become.
With the mention of chemistry... I read elsewhere about how withdrawal from the chemical alcohol is effects us. I know my withdrawal from cigars/nicotine kicked my rear. And the family didn't appreciate it. So my question of the moment is... (please share your ESH here) what do I have to look forward to in withdrawal? Can I prepare the family for the 'horrible' person I am to become? I don't think I drink enough for DT's...but... ya never know. What are the experiences in the group?
Side note...the Avatar is my dream. I will own that '68 sooner than later. Till then I drive a minivan....grin.
psyching myself up for my big day...when i will say no way...no more...no buying it...ever again.
.... And I pass out without eating. Just another episode I beat myself up over. Forgiving the 'self' is one of the hardest things to do.
With the mention of chemistry... I read elsewhere about how withdrawal from the chemical alcohol is effects us. I know my withdrawal from cigars/nicotine kicked my rear. And the family didn't appreciate it. So my question of the moment is... (please share your ESH here) what do I have to look forward to in withdrawal? Can I prepare the family for the 'horrible' person I am to become? I don't think I drink enough for DT's...but... ya never know. What are the experiences in the group?
Craig
Wow, if you've never tried AA, you just hit on my 'biggest' obstacle, forgiving 'self' ... and I'm here to tell you, I didn't stop until I reached 55 ... so I have a lot of the situations you described above, fixing meals and then passing out before I even got a chance to eat ... and I'm here to tell you also, I got to the point I'd rather drink than eat, eating seemed to lessen the 'high' I got from alcohol, so what better than to simply not eat ??? ... ... ... you do not have to follow my path ... there is a solution and for me that was the program of AA ... it worked when I decided to work it, and boy, am I glad I did, finally I can sit back and 'enjoy' life and my family ...
Withdrawal and DT's ??? ... your difficulty here will primarily depend on your 'drinking habits' ... for instance, if you drink like I did for say 25 to 30 years or so, then withdrawal can be acute and need a doctors care for the first few days ... you CAN DIE withdrawing from alcohol ... for sure, accelerated heart rate and sky high blood pressure ... a stroke becomes a high probability ... if it hadn't been for medicine given to me at a detox center, I'd have likely not made it, so be very conscious of what your body is telling you during this period ... and for God's sake, don't lie to the doctor if you wind up in front of one ... total honesty, tell him what's going on with you so they can keep you from dying ...
If it sounds like I'm trying to scare you, BINGO, you got me ... ... ... and for sure, don't take a drink unless you feel like you're seriously going to explode, then by all means, go see a doctor immediately ... I've suffered a mild stroke, and it ain't no laughing matter ...
As far as your family is concerned, yes, I'd let them know what you are attempting to do when you stop drinking ... cause if you're stroking out or having a seizure on the floor, they need to know the probably cause when they call 911 for you ... proper early care can be critical ... and your family should also know that this is something you want to do for YOU ... cause you'll want to start going to AA and you need to do a lot of that in the beginning to insure your success ... so time with them may be limited for a while ...
Hopefully, they' be understanding and supportive ... in a few weeks, you'll feel like a new you ... you'll discover new energy you didn't know you had missed ... life will take on new meaning ... but you have to be patient ... I could write a book here but I'll shut up for now and let others reply ...
Thanks for coming back, we'll help you through this period if you'll allow us to,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome craig! It's easier to do this with AA. Hope you attend meetings. The withdrawal and detox will be proportional to how much you drank. Risk of seizure is the biggest concern. Putting off quitting is like romancing something dead. Plus it's not quitting. It's surrender. Once I surrendered to the notion that alcohol whooped me fully, I didn't need will power...just willingness to do what folks in AA told me.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My family of freinds and grown up kids...appreciated my getting sober and staying sober a hell of a lot more then they did seeing me passed out or drunk..
First 60 days were pure hell.....but its a one day at a time thing...which is the trick..
It got easier...
My brain emotions and body were in insane mode..
As the days went by? The fog started to lift...and the healing and adjustments got easier...
My body craved alcohol...My mind craved alcohol...I had dreams and nightmares...
I drank water...till the lakes and rivers were dry...
I ate sweets..
I gained 20 pounds in 3 months..
Not easy shit...but its better then loosing those around me...plus loosing myself...and dying with a bottle in my hand
Its been 5 months..today....
I cant go back to the way it was
I WONT go back to the way it was
I don't want to go back to the way it was...
The first 60 days? I went to 6 meetings of AA a week...just to try and stay sane..
Why AA meetings?
Its where all the recovering drunks hang out...
They understand me...and I understand them
Noone can understand an alcoholic....unless they've been where we were...
Its home away from home...
All of us trying to live sober...and learning how to live sober...Its a WE THING
Life gets better...we get better...
I am NOT picking up a drink today...24 hours...
Not Even...if my ass falls off
Some go all the way to the bottom and loose everything and everyone around them
Been there..Pretty lonely existence..plus suicidal thoughts....and the guilt and remorse was heavy stuff..
I am going to disagree with some of the earlier posts about your diagnosing alcoholism. "If you think you might be an alcoholic you probably are" makes about as much sense as "if you think you have two heads, you probably do". Alcohol is a terminal progressive disease with very specific symptoms. These symptoms are not that clear from your posts. Lots of people have problems with drinking but not all are alcoholic. people drink and do stupid things all the time. Sometimes it goes on for years and then one day they wake up and think hey I'm not going to do this anymore, and they stop on their own power. Sometimes they are given a good reason to stop, like the warning of a doctor, or maybe they fall in love, and they just quit and alcohol gives them no further problems.
But the alcoholic is a bit different. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit drinking entirely or if, when you drink, you have little or no control over the amount you take (can you guarantee every time you take a drink, you will stop after one or two?), then you are probably alcoholic. Its about control and choice. All the other stuff is just window dressing - we all have different stories about where alcohol took us, but we all had the common problem of loss of control and choice.
I am inviting you to look very closely at your situation. If you have in fact lost the power of choice in drink, you need to know that no real alcoholic ever recovers that choice. If this is you, then you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. If you fully concede to your innermost self that you are alcoholic and will never be able to safely use alcohol in any form then you have two choices. Stay on your current path with all its attendant misery, or accept spiritual help.
See what Im, saying Craig? If you are certain you are alcoholic, you are scre#$#@d, unless you get to a spiritual experience quickly.
Hey Craig,
For me, I couldn't look at it as 'I am quitting drinking forever!' That was too scary. I absolutely had to just say to myself 'I am not going to drink today'.
