Im Walder, i am an alcoholic. After trying two hospital i started to attend AA meetings. I get sober for 18 months and was happy.
I made a mistake and didn't attend meetings as before with blind excuses. Work etc.
We was planning to marry with my girl friend who knows all the story and thinking suitable a day about 1 months ago.
The terrible story starts. One night i get a panic attack and think what can i do if i cant sleep. I bought a vodka and drink it.
After this, i drink for 15 days not like a human. Dipsomania crisis. I only drink and hide it.
My girl friend catched me, and firstly i get small detox. And immediately started to meetings again.
Everybody was trusting me after being sober 18 months. But i didn't follow 12 step program correctly and i didn't have a sponsor.
I forgot or ignore that i am an alcoholic for just some minutes and relapsed.
Dipsomania crisis was terrible. I get big pains. I blame myself. I couldn't tell anyone, i feel guilty and drink more than a human can drink.
Detox was also was in big pain, sweatings, vomiting, crying, blaming.
My mom called a person from AA. He said it was accident, stand up and start again. You drink only 15 days you can success again.
I am attending meetings, I am sober for 20 days. Everyday i read AA books, pray. Now I hate alcohol more than anything. NO crawings at all.
I decided to apply 12 stpes to whole my life. I believe in God, with the help of God my liffe will wholy changed. Not dry sober.
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But today i am in big pain. I said my girl friend to attend al anon meetings. And she also went to a psychiatrist and a terapist.
Two people from al anon and her psychiatrist and a terapist said left him. And today she left me, she said i didnt believe, if you love and trust me you would tell me you relapsed.
I can never explain what it was a disease. Yes my fault but... We all said at the start of this road. We will success together.
But she said i gave up. All of them are said to her if you continue with him, it wont be help.
I said her it is a family disease so both we should attend and follow 12 steps. Bu Going to meetings was not work for her. Most of them said he can relapse again.
I said if we follow program and trust God we can success but she said i don't trust you anymore.
Now i am all alone. Crying all day. Attend meeting today again. I pray to God for helping me for my best.
What can i do now? Of course i wont drink. But coping with this emotional pain is really hard.
I was drinking when we date first. She come to hospital with me before i meet AA. We cope with a lot of things.
But this teriible relapse took her from me.
Dear friends, maybe you can understand how in big danger all times and always have to be accurate.
Now i cry, i pray, nothing else.
Any suggestions are welcome. I know it is all my fault.
I'm glad to hear you are getting back on track with 20 days without a drink.
Some of us have to tread a tougher path in sobriety. Looks like that's your case. But this can turn out positively. I suggest honesty, openness, and willingness in your program. Things will get better if you stay sober.
Don't get dragged down by the negativity of the relapse. That's in the past. Stay connected to the meetings, the members and the literature of AA.
Time my friend. Give it time. You're doing all the right things. Trust God, pray unceasingly, work the program. This too shall pass.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Walder...welcome to the board; Aloha. I also lean the way Tanin says it and with a few other awarenesses such as the disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and it lurks with patience. It is a disease not a moral issue. Like us you have contracted it which ever way you did and keep in mind that it is progressive...always gets worse if we don't work a program to arrest it totally. Keep in mind also that it is a fatal disease if not arrested. Sobriety, insanity and death are our three choices. It sounds like you're dealing with the insanity of this and even that is temporary if you give yourself to this simple program. Turn your girl friend over to your Higher Power and ask that she be kept safe where ever she's at. For me my sobriety wasn't as much from surrendering myself to the program as it was abandoning myself to my HP and the program. I left myself to only one rescuer and that was the program and nothing else. You already know that the program works when you work it and you already know how...re-commit yourself, for yourself...every other thing is extras. Keep coming back and good work regaining the program. (((hugs)))
Welcome Walder - so glad you've made steps in the right direction to reach out here in addition to live meetings. This board is a life saver for me. I spend LOoooooooooooooooong days home with my kids, and I spend a lot of time here reading and reading. I sometimes go through and read a user from their start date to finish - or current if they're still here. It has shown me that this is an age old common problem with an age old solution that works year after year - and if I do the things AA asks of me, and I put in the work, I too can have success. There is so much hope for you to grab onto - even when you are so sad.
You are alive today - you have a solution to this terrible disease - many diseases do not have such enjoyable treatment. Cancer? I would take this instead any day.
The times you've had up to this point, have gotten you here on the brink of a miracle. Stay sober no matter what. Drinking for any reason is just your disease doing what it does best... giving you every and any excuse it can think of... with all your smarts and whits for it's use... to KILL you. That disease that tells you that you don't have it... wants you dead.
Keep hanging with the winners, and stay sober and alive just one day at a time : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Welcome to MIP Walder, ... ... ... We're glad to have you here ... sounds like you're in the right place ... 20 days is a good start ...
Most of us here were never able to just quit drinking ... I have several relapses in my past too ... and the hardest thing to deal with is exactly what you have described ... I had regained some trust, then I blew it ... and I had to start all over again ... and the main key here for you right now is to 'stick with the program' ... make it your life, and God will make your life what He wants it to be ... that may or may not mean you'll get your girl back ... 'trust' is a hard thing to earn ...
We're here for you when you want to talk, be patient for replies ... we've walked in your shoes before, so we know the feelings you're going through ... and the pain, my goodness, the pain we will never forget ... we'll help you through it ...
Love ya man and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Walder, welcome to MIP.
I understand how you are feeling. I too had a great need for emotional security when I first got sober. It was rooted in natural instincts which were way out of balance. In AA I found hope. I was told I could recover regardless of any external circumstance. Wife or no wife, job or no job. The key was that I place my dependence upon the God of my understanding, before all else.
Whether you are in a relationship or not has nothing to do with your drinking. You have a disease and you can get well regardless of anything. The only condition is that you trust in God and clean House.
You are in pain now because God wants you to take some action. Get started on that 4th step you've been avoiding... Let the healing begin!
Welcome Walder! Relapses are hard but part of the process for many of us. Me included. This will clear up with work on your part. The sun will shine again. If you don't drink, you can't screw this up. Meaning God has a plan and will reveal his plan over time to you. When we start taking care of us and our sobriety, people start trusting us again and re-enter our life. I've seen it many times. Turn everything over to you conception of a HP and keep moving your feet in recovery. Positives things will start to materialize. Prayers sent for you my friend.
But i didn't follow 12 step program correctly and i didn't have a sponsor.
I'm sorry for what you are going through....But this is where I needed to start. I studied that book like a text book...Because that's what it is. One with clear cut directions that shows precisely how they did it.....Then I found a sponsor to guide me through it. Honesty and thoroughness....That's all that matters.....Do exactly what they did....And you'll get what they got....Simple as that.
I am still sober and attending meetings. Reading this board also helps me too much. In my country there is no AA boards, and not English speaking country. But thanks to God here are AA groups.
Jerry F wrote:
Turn your girl friend over to your Higher Power and ask that she be kept safe where ever she's at. For me my sobriety wasn't as much from surrendering myself to the program as it was abandoning myself to my HP and the program. I left myself to only one rescuer and that was the program and nothing else.
Jerry this is really good comment. Thank you. It also changed one of my point of view.
@Tanin: Your last words made me more stronger.
@Pythonpappy you are wonderful.
@ Fyne Spirit: You said "You are in pain now because God wants you to take some action. Get started on that 4th step you've been avoiding... Let the healing begin!"
This made me more clear. I have never think like that. Yes, you are absolutely right.
And all of my friends thank you.
I am sober today and trying to understand program more and more. Emotionmal pain is really bad. But HP will show me the true way i am sure.
I am working and will work more to understand program and take it into my whole life.
I am sober today and trying to understand program more and more. Emotionmal pain is really bad. But HP will show me the true way i am sure.
I am working and will work more to understand program and take it into my whole life.
I am greatful all of you.
God Bless you.
Hey Walder, ... Do NOT try to 'understand' the program as much as you should try to work the program ... it works if you work it ... many of us have failed to stay sober trying to 'figure this thing out' ...
My sponsor had some words of wisdom when I told him, "I don't understand" ... ... ... :
He said 'that's it, and don't you ever forget it'
He said there are 2 things you need to remember for the rest of your days:
1. Is that, no matter what's going on in your life ... you do not understand ...
2. And no matter what your situation is, it's not her, it's not him, it's not mom or dad, it's not others, it's not God, but it's YOU that must change ...
And he said here's the kicker ... when you know you know, you'll never know ... but when you start doing the things we suggest you do, and learn to not do the things we suggest you not do, then you'll begin to know that you don't know, THEN you begin to know ...
I said HELL, you're crazy ... ... ... ... he said ... I know! ...
Then he said once you do all these things, then you'll begin to receive all the things God wants His children to have ...
You know what ... ... ... ... ... That's just the way it happened for me, and to AA and God and you folks, I am grateful ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 18th of August 2013 01:53:08 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
He said there are 2 things you need to remember for the rest of your days:
1. Is that, no matter what's going on in your life ... you do not understand ...
2. And no matter what your situation is, it's not her, it's not him, it's not mom or dad, it's not others, it's not God, but it's YOU that must change ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 18th of August 2013 01:53:08 PM
Well maybe i said it wrong because i am not a native speaker, my english is poor. Meaning understand means trying to feel it and trying to think how can i apply it. Trying to really get it into my life. It is not easy right now. I have to get a sponsor.
1) Ok i will not understand. But do what? Just trust on God? I am sure i wont understand or reasons behind all of the thing them. I say God , you know the true and show me the way. Is that right or what else should i do?
2) Yes , i agree with you and trying to do it.
I relapsed because of not doing them correctly. Not a full dry sober, but incompleted man.
I want to be a man on God's true way. Not easy, advices?
Thank you Pythonpappy. Your advices and comments are helping me more than you guess.
Study the Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. The program is all there. :)
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
1) Ok i will not understand. But do what? Just trust on God? I am sure i wont understand or reasons behind all of the thing them. I say God , you know the true and show me the way. Is that right or what else should i do?
Ps: I am sober 24 days for now.
Congrats Walder, ... 24 days has to seem like a 'lifetime' to you right now ... great job ...
As far as your thoughts 1) above go ... Excellent ! ... yes, that is good start ... and go to meetings often right now with your sponsor when you find one ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I hope all is going well for you now. The program can be broken down into three simple phrases: trust God, clean house, help others.
The steps, in my experience cannot and don't need to be understood in advance. For me, my actions in taking the steps were well ahead of my understanding. Others saw the change in me long before I was aware of it myself. Action leads to understanding, not the other way around.
Your English is very good by the way:)
" I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going."
It's not a substitute for the steps, but if you are feeling down, head to your local AA rooms find someone who is worse off than you, and try and cheer them up. It works every time.
