Have you considered some family counseling or therapy?
Teenagers "balking" at a parent's new belle or beau is a relatively common situation, one which practitioners can help with. That's likely the best course, IMHO. Heck, the "balking" may even be natural, or even something to do nothihng about . . .
The Family Afterward chapter also comes to mind, but it's rather dated and one-sided ("They should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world once more.") as to be out of touch with today's culture.
What did your sponsor say?
-- Edited by Tanin on Monday 12th of August 2013 02:18:37 PM
My wife and I have been separated for 2 years- 1 1/2 years divorced. No dating for last 2 years. I met someone recently(she's in The Program and lives life on a Spiritual basis) and things have gone very well. We enjoy each others time together. My kids 16 & 14 are now balking at the amount of time I spend with her. Most of the time is when their with their mother. There are sometimes she spends the night at our place. We've also done things together with the 2 families. She has kids also. The environment is no different than when I was married to their mother. We eat dinner together then hangout. Sometimes go to a meeting. They're teens and most of the time off doing their own thing. What do I make of this? Has anyone been through this? I've talked with my sponsor but thought I would throw it out here to my on-line family. Thank you!
One thing I've noticed since becoming a member of AA and following the suggestions in the Big Book...Working the program....Is that God has put the right people in my life for all the right reasons. I have complete faith in that. What should you make of it?....Doesn't sound like a bad gig to me.
Thank you Stepchild! That's what I've always lived by until now. This has thrown me for a loop. My incecurities are back in full force. That fear, doubt and incecurity has settled in. Lump in my chest, can't eat feeling. I feel like running. Typical Alcoholic- right!
Thank you Tanin! My Sponsor thinks I need to put myself first and go with my gut(God and the Steps are in my belly). He says these are their problems and I'm taking it too personal. Another defect of mine- taking things to personal. That I'm leading by example- showing them there's life after divorce. Basically, teaching them by my actions.
One of my defects I've had and can still have is putting my kids first. It's hard to reverse. Extremely hard. The first 10-12 years of their life they've run the show. They've had 100% of me. I've built my own obstacle. Now, working The Program, I'm trying to change that will God's help , steps and the Fellowship.
I had hopes that my parents would get back together because they had separated many times - even after the divorce my 14 yr old brain thought it wasn't final. Not sure what the circumstances are prior to this for you - but in my experience (being the teen with divorced parents) I had childish hopes and dreams.
I was a b - i - t - c - h - to my mother and to her boyfriend, and I broke them up eventually. ooooo.... just realized another amend.
She broke off the engagement to this man of her dreams because I threw a holy stink and got the other kids on my side too. She couldn't take it. But all I really wanted was my dad to have his love back. I thought I could make things better. He didn't want the divorce... I lived with him most of the time and saw how sad he was. All stuff I wasn't responsible for - but I was the child of a very sick alanon, and a very sick alcoholic.
I had no clue or directions.
I think if they would have sat me down with some explanations - it would have helped. Stuff like: You are so important to me, and I want to be the best parent to you, so I need to do things for myself to keep me healthy and happy enough to have love to give you. That includes spending some time doing things just for me, and some time doing thing with people I love other than you. I need balance in my life to be healthy and happy - and I do this to be the best I can be for me, and for you! I needed validation that I wasn't being pushed away. I needed to be talked to. I needed my parents to carve time out one on one with me. I needed them to find out what I liked and get involved in my life.
Being jealous of the new boyfriend was just a ploy for attention and an easy excuse to get some... because the rest of my feelings were too complex at that time for my crazy teenage brain to grasp... I couldn't even ask for what I needed because I didn't even know - nor was I self aware enough to know or understand the grand scheme of things as I can now looking back.
So to be simple. My guess is the kids need attention. Give it to them. Don't just assume they know you love them or think their awesome or know that you are trying to live a great life so you can be a great dad for them. Teens don't easily put that together. They are confused in general about everything. So much is going on. They are changing really fast... help them accept themselves as they are. Let them know you accept them the way they are. Tell them that whatever they are feeling is okay and they are not bad - you that you are not mad. That you're on their team. That you'll help them through this, and love them just the same no matter what they are feeling or have to say to you about it.
If they open up to you - great. If not... at least you were an example of how to do it.
xxxxxx good luck Mike.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I have learned that what someone else thinks of me is none of my business. In reality, such a stance can be difficult when we are talking about our loved ones, but the principle remains the same. Your children are entitled to their own process and feelings even when those feelings and processes are concerning your behavior. In a few years, your children will be adults and you will no doubt balk at some of their choices as well, choices that they are, like you are today, entitled to make regardless of anyone else's balking.
This has thrown me for a loop. My incecurities are back in full force. That fear, doubt and incecurity has settled in. Lump in my chest, can't eat feeling. I feel like running.
Who's running the show? We made the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him....And then we took the action to make that happen.
Typical Alcoholic- right!
Correct.
In all fairness...These "Children" we are talking about are 14 and 16?....Kids these days grow up quickly....I think they'll get over it. You know it's funny....One line in your post stood out for me....
One thing I've noticed since becoming a member of AA and following the suggestions in the Big Book...Working the program....Is that God has put the right people in my life for all the right reasons. I have complete faith in that.
Wow Mike, ... ... ... All I can say is that your AA life should come first ... If we don't stay sober, we become useless to anyone ... and at 14 & 16, that's when kids start to acting like they know everything ... AND they will certainly TRY to run the whole show (sound familiar ???) ... and if your time together IS quality time, just tell them you have a life too and for them to try to be happy that you found someone new ... God never meant for us to ever live alone ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
As a former divorsor, ex-spouse to a step-parent (alcoholic/addict) step-son of an alcoholic, former family/marriage counslor and more I suggest slowing down and not getting self centered. You're working from and with shards of a marriage and all in that family have wants and wishes and opinions and desires and more. Just because you have found another heartbeat doesn't mean that everyone else has also. The kids have attachments and loyalties and wants, wishes and dreams you probably haven't discussed with them and maybe even with them and their mother. I lean with Tasha's experience...it is real. I will never just throw AA or Al-Anon philosophy and slogans at a life condition where the others involved are not fellows or members. Blended and mixed relationships come with histories not shared by everyone in the new relationship...the newbies have been left out of the past and all that comes with it...take your time...have respect and certainly practice steps 1 - 3 and 11 - 12. It's not all about you and her. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Lot of interesting perspectives, especially from Tasha who was once a child in this kind of situation.
I wouldn't stress too much over it. Sounds like you are trying to keep balance in your life and do the right thing. I probably would have said somthing similar to what your sponsor said, the kids will get used to them and maybe this is a chance to discuss acceptance with them.
Hell, my 80 year old dad got re-married a couple years ago, my mother passed 5 years prior. Myself, sister and brother (all in our 50's) still pitched a bitch about it to my dad. The lady is very self centered and it was a crappy pre-nup for our side, so at the end of the day it was probably alot about money.
Anyway, I just wish for his happiness today which he seems to have.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Sounds like you've done the right thing to me! : ) It's done - so it was God's plan.
You've got a valid point about the friend thing. I would point this out in a matter of fact way if I were you. Make it real for them. Show them in what ways they could be wrong... and could be right. Maybe God's plan for them is to learn to look at things from a variety of angles? See if they have any other ways of looking at it. At the very least, you're teaching them about being open to others perceptions... and thinking outside the box. I always enlist the kids idea's about what to do. Well... no... not always.
When I'm stumped... and I've prayed about it - and listened - and I'm STILL STUMPED... I just go to my default: "Hey guys... your happiness means so much to me because I love you so much, so I'm really putting a lot of thought and time into thinking about this, and trying to make it work out for all of us. I just want you to know this is on my mind a lot because I care for you so much. I hope you know I'm doing the best I know how today, and that I'm not perfect, but I'll never give up trying to be the best I can be."
It's the truth - so I say it out loud. My parents probably thought this stuff... but never said it out loud.
My kids have this memorized now... there little eyes glaze over... and they get a little grin... but I just keep pumping stuff out like this because I figure if I don't want them to turn out like me... I need to do the opposite of what I experienced growing up from my parents.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 13th of August 2013 01:45:45 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I was sober quite a few years before my wife and I had kids. They both are in college now. All I know is that their time at home went by way to fast. I'm glad I spend all the time I spent with them. After my sobriety , they come next on my list of priorities.
Of course your sobriety must come first, and the reactions you are getting from your kids may be nothing worthy of any concern, but then again there may be more going on here than you (or we) are aware of. We are certainly capable of hurting other people without being aware of what we are doing to them. Have you talked openly with them about what is bothering them, and letting them get it all out in the open, without jumping in to explain or excuse? The suggestion about counseling is a good one.
Thank you all for you thoughts and experience. I've tried to communicate with them, but maybe it wasn't enough. I sat them down when I decide I was going forward with her and they took it well. Both were very happy for me. In the beginning, things seemed great. We probably moved alittle fast because it just felt right. Getting them all together and her staying at the house on occassion. I typically stay at her place when the kids aren't with me. My son says that I'm always with her. She always calls. General statements. I'm not sure what a balance would be. He thinks when it's his time with me it should only be him and me and my daugther. My daugther says I'm moving way to fast and I've had a shield up since meeting her. Meaning she's not getting the attention. I didn't think this was happening. I sat them both down last night and explained the I'm trying to do was best for me and hopefully will benefit everyone in the long run. I acknowledged it was hard for them and everyone involved. I listened to their concerns and told them I would disgest them and take action on my part if warranted. I also told them I there for them always and love them very much.
What's baffling me is they're always with friends. Then they both went to friends for a sleep over last night after I spoke with them individually. We recently went to a Red Sox game and Six Flags amusment park and they both brought friends. That's what they like to do as teens. Why is it so different for me. When there with friends I'm certainly not a part of them. We do a few things together and then they're with their friends. Confused..... Still don't have my arms around this one. There's probably no right answer here. I don't know. I do know I'm taking this very personally which is weighing me down.
As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.
Hey man, still sounds like your kids are being 'typical' teens ... ... ... they want YOU with them until they don't!!! ... they want that 'light switch' effect, just don't let the power go out!!!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
