Aloha all and thank you for your support. I've revisited Justin's post about "tough not to drink..." without finishing it with the Friday Night part and accompanied with that part of the AMA definition of alcoholism that says, "It can never be cured...only arrested by total abstinence". I've been alcohol free since the late seventies and sober a good part of that time. I've never lost the compulsion to drink entirely and mostly I think because I drank with impunity supported by the thought that "I was different than most others". Friends and Family use to support that idea with their own descriptions of how I drank and over time that creates a habit of thinking. On a conscious level I know I am alcoholic and can never, will never and should never consume mind and mood altering chemicals. On the subconscious level lives another reality; one I have never gotten rid of and with which I just co-exist keeping the program as my choice of life.
Friday night, last night, seems to have been the worse night of co-existing with my PTSD till now. Some of my thoughts and realizations were that it would be better to have an overnight accomodation on the "G" ward at the local hospital. Prayer was not as effective as I hoped and meditation wasn't possible at all of course. I lay still and let it rage and I lay still and tried to counter act it. During the whole course of the raging I had one salient thought not originated from with in myself and surprizingly from within the disease. "A drink might be able to stop this process". I am not surprised and still I am amazed. That was the only thought presented to me. It was short, quick a suggestion of "maybe" and then it was gone and not over because my thinking and emotions turned to how our disease lurks...self imposed, self directed always planting a seed of possibility...used for a good purpose.
Not only is it tough for some to not drink on a Friday night on others it is tough to not even think drink on a Friday night 34+ years after the drinking stopped. I never knew what alcoholism was when I first hit the doors of recovery...I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know. I learned that it was a habit with a compulsion and obsession. Although I have been working on improving and strengthening the sub-conscius practice of our program I continue to accept the need for the work.
Mahalo for all of your support. Hope you made it thru the night Justin.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 10th of August 2013 09:42:06 PM
Hey Jerry,
As a veteran AA'er it is beautiful that your experience paid off. You sat, reflected, you let the PTSD pass through you, and sanity remained. This is great for Justin to see and for me as well! "This too shall pass"
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
It is what it is Zoomz...Intention is a prime reason for drinking and using for me. I didn't and do not today use meds to "party"; never did. When I was under the MD's care for a back injury I was on meds for pain and relaxation and then had those pulled away from me because I am too chemical tolerant. My only question to him was "What do I do for the pain" and he said "learn to live with it", which I did and still do. I don't use AA to control that pain. I use AA to get and remain sober that meaning that I cannot have a real life by using unreal amounts of alcohol or alcohol at all. My head was thumbing back thru memories wanting to offer a suggestion on how to interrupt the PTSD affect. Came up with the one that would make it so much more worse. Didn't take the suggestion. (((hugs)))
The thing that helped me dissolve my PTSD entirely (as of today and for 1ish years or so) was to play it through. Now mind you - I have never been to any therapy for PTSD, and I have only read a few articles on it - enough to know I have/had it - but the answer didn't come from a book or an article or anything other than the need to live one day on my front porch - when I was having an attack - and I thought I was going to die. I didn't want to. I wanted to live - and I needed to live. My children would have been here alone for 12 hours before Zach returned to them - and at 3 and 5 - who knows what that would have been like.
So what I learned to do that day, was to outsmart it. Again - this is not something I learned from anyone or anything other than a divine intervention that day on my sunny porch.
I basically felt the whipping thoughts - the snarling images coming - the feelings of death and heart attack and numb limbs and tingling scalp - and at this point - I knew after 10 yrs of living with this sudden attack - that I had to fight back!!! I had to for my kids.
I told that ass of a thing called PTSD to LEAVE ME ALONE! I YELLED IT! I SCREAMED IT! Then I SANG! I sang as loud as I could - and it tried to break through, and I wouldn't let it. I focused on my song, the national anthem, and I belted it out. I walked through my house singing and tending to my kids. I set out food... in case I would die. I told them to not go on the road - in the break between verses... then I kept singing and singing. Nothing else was allowed. It tried so hard to take me down... and I just kept focusing on the lyrics, and the tone of my voice, and the fact echo's in the room. It worked... and that was my last ever episode.
Since then... I have forgiven my PTSD for ripping away my flesh, my health, my sanity, my money, my trust - and I'm sure more will be revealed, and I will continue to actively forgive it. So far... this has worked to keep it away for me.
I have never heard of anyone else doing this - and I do know you're suppose to walk through the fears in therapy - but this has been a short cut for me that works right now... and it's cheaper ; ) I don't have great health insurance! LOL
I love you - and I hope the best for you - and hope you see the other side of life after PTSD... because it's so calm and safe... and you deserve that.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
