The tragedy for so many of us is that we have come to AA only for sobriety. Then life deals us a cruel blow and we wonder why?
Many a Alanon member have been secretly jealous of their partners recovery and so they decline recovery for themselves. Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys alcoholics and sadly it also destroys the rest of the family as well. The innocent victims of alcoholism are children destroyed by both active and passive partners. The reckless non recovering co-dependents are just as responsible for the family welfare as the sick recovering alcoholic.
Many bravely say that they don't need Alanon, but in actual reality they do need Alanon. Just as we are so keen to 12 step AA's we must with equal zest 12 step Alanons also. The 1st step denial is some times much stronger in Alanon than in the AA's, because they cannot see alcoholism as a disease.
The long term effects are felt by adult children of alcoholics. Some have never tasted alcohol themselves, but they find they are faced with abnormal coping skills and thus bring about further destruction by remants of alcoholism. Without 12 step recovery or some spiritual change the cycle will continue for generations to come. THIS IS WHAT MAKES ALCOHOLISM SUCH A DANGEROUS DISEASE.
Thank you Gonee! Great post! I appreciate your insight. I've seen this same senario first hand. I've learned the non-alcoholic(co-dependent) don't see themselves as sick(spiritually). Denial I presume. Because their diesase is passive they don't think they have the death sentence us Alcoholics do. Us Alcoholics being the active ones. Leaving trails of wreckage- physical, emotional and spiritual. I've learned I can only take care of myself. Lead by example and hopefully break they cycle for future generations. Not in mine hands today, but where it belongs with God.
Thanks Mike. If my wife had not come into recovery we would have destroyed my son's life. Both of us were carrying issues from living with alcoholic parents. Although I had AA recovery, life at home was still unmanageable until all of us got into recovery.
That you have not repeated the cycle with your son and too your wife is evidence that both programs work and are deeply healing. I would hope, for your son that there would be an Alateen group he could participate in. Alateen is part of the family groups coming into existence in the 60ies I believe. I had the service experience of sponsoring a group for over 6 years and the amazing experience of watching teens grow faster than adults in recovery on many levels. The reason they do it faster is because they do not have the longer habit of living inside of the dysfunction...they change faster once they "get it" and when they "get it" the AHAs!! are huge. Sad to say I also watched some of them get hooked by the chemical and then even when they knew AA was available had to deal with everything we have had to without the experience of the use. The reality always is ...our disease is huge!!
I seriously suggest to everyone on this board and other alcoholics that I participate with in recovery to do service to teenaged groups and services whenever they can by telling your story...unblemished and unexaggerated. Mahalo
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 9th of August 2013 11:53:12 PM
Aloha Gonee...I vibrate whenever I listen to or read a share about the disease and the family. I was born and raised into alcoholism and drug addiction. Both sides of my family were alcoholically affected thru and thru. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical which deeply affects behavior. Living within those parameters alters everyone that comes into contact with the chemical and the addicted drinkers. Normal for me was abnormal on very very many levels. You do how you are mentored regardless of he promises you make that you will never ever do life the way life was done to you by parents and relatives and then in the end astoundingly you continue doing it and doing it even more absurdly. Long story short...I entered into my own recovery thru the doors of Al-Anon. Only one part of my life was associating with drinkers and users because that is what I knew from birth and I married the women I drank with or were otherwise addicted. I was introduced to both programs and kept myself beyond reach at first until the insanity of the disease was the most define personal characteristic and then by the grace of God I was led back to the doors of Al-Anon. My HP had a plan for me and it wasn't neatly defined. When I left my last alcoholic/addict marriage totally beaten I also stopped drinking...I had no one but myself to drink with and lost the urge to drink alone anymore. I didn't know about alcoholism...didn't know that I didn't know...couldn't spell it and never used it until I was led to the meetings. I was able to "separate myself from all things alcoholic" as directed by my sponsor ship and never took the 23 question assessment until I was 9 years alcohol free. Thru the grace of God and a new patient which I assessed for treatment my HP suggested that I also take the assessment myself. It was honest and it was thorough including that I had 3 toxic shock events during my drinking history which I never thought necessary to talk about because of course I had survived them and went back to drinking. I took the assessment to the adult section of the rehab I was a therapist at and the outcome 15 minutes later to my "anonymous" assessment was; "I don't know who this assessment is but whoever it is I suggest that they get into inpatient recovery immediately or the next time they drink they die". The head nurse that read me that suggestion came into Al-Anon just weeks after I did. She was the same nurse who when looking at my yellowish/green skin told me "That isn't jaundice Jerry F...that's cause by something else. Five years after I stopped drinking the tinge went away and I stopped making the supposed excuse for it.
Today I am a "double". Strange that we were talking about this on Wednesday night at my Al-Anon home group. My AA home group...AA @ the Bay which is over 18 years old now was founded by two "doubles" and one AA only. The remaining original member is myself. What matters is I'm still coming back.
My family remains seriously affected and very dysfunctional up to some of my own chilldren...What stands out is that Dad and Step-Mom...grampa and gramma...great grampa and great gramma are steady, sane and serene.
My most awesome sponsorship has come from within the Al-Anon Family Groups as I was led thru attitudes and preceptions and behaviors other than just drinking. One part of the opening definition on the disease of alcoholism that we use to read in Al-Anon meeting is this...."And we become as sick or sicker as the alcoholic because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality; thus we go thru it wide awake".
I verify your post when it hasn't been asked for because you touched deeply into my story. Mahalo for the thoughts and courage.
Thanks Jerry. I had to get Alanon myself because of my father's alcoholism. I qualified for Alanon long before AA, so in effect I am a dual membership myself. When I did my 5th step with my sponsor, it was Alanon and AA 5th step. It was both resentment and hurt feelings that I had to deal with. I had to come to terms with the family disease concept first before I could embark on my own personal recovery. I nearly repeated the cycle with my son.
Much healing was needed and I am grateful for both the fellowships.
My son is 27 years old now. He has joined the AACA group. He also attends our Monday night group which is a combined meeting of AA, Alanon, AACA, NA & Naranon. My daughter and my son-in-law live with me and we have a family group meeting once a week.
It is in our afflictions that we have been strong. "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh,.............." 2cor 12:7.
