Have you ever held a loaded gun to your head? It feels weird. Almost Spiritual. With the push of a button, everything goes black. then to white, for we no longer know what color once was. That barrel getting warm against your head. Like looking down the tunnel to the land of the dead. I figured if I was going to pass on through, I might as well be drunk when I go out. So I drove down to the grocery store, bought 2 5th's of wild turkey 101, 10 cans of sardines a box of tricuts and 2 gallons of water. then I went down to the old army navy store and purchased 3 boxes of 4-10 rounds and drove out to the desert where I stayed for 2 days. with no other company except for stevie nix and warren zevon on the cd player. It was a hot, grueling 3 hour drive to the gates of the joshua tree desert and then an additional 45 minutes or so until I found nothing. Nothing at all. I got out of my car, grabbed my bag and portable CD player along with miss nix and headed up the rockey mountain. This is where I lost track of time. before the sun settled into black i had reached the top of the mountain. I stood up and screamed obseneties at the moon, for it was not full. I hate a half assed moon. So effortless it is. But I could hear the beasts of the desert howling back as if to comunicate with this doomed sack of soon to be dead flesh. perhaps asking me to hurry hurry so they could feast away at my corpse. I diddnt mean to dissapoint them....

I threw myself down at the ledge of that rock like a pouting child and yelled "FUCK!" thats right, I actually yelled "fuck!". turned my head towards the bag and reached for that sweet drink I had been missing all this time. "honey, Im home!" I opened the bottle and took a sniff. It smelled... awful. "I should have bought some fucking beer! what the hell was I thinking!"She looks so much better when shes dressed in hops. I then sat down my girly next to me before kissing her poison lips and loaded the gun. Firing 2 shots at the moon for being such a slacker that night. BAM! BAM! I love the smell of gun smoke. Much more than that bitch beside me. 3rd shell in. I put the gun to my head again not to fire just yet, but it was hot. ssssssss..... I real rosey red for my beautiful face. "GAHHH!!!" this night wasnt going as planned. And when miss nix stopped singing abruptly I noticed the batteries in my good ol cd player had but went the way of the dead. shot number 3 would be a gift to the CD player. BAM! as I would not be so stupid this time, I waited for the barrel to cool. I took a long hard drink of water before picking up my baby for our last make out session ever. So romantic the two of us under these stars tonight. And that half assed moon.... The dogs of the wild howling at me "hurry up asshole, were hungry!!! HOWWWWWWLLL. I jumped up and let out a howel of my own "OWW OWW OWWWWWWWWW!!!!" telling them to be patitent. my lady and I were not finished.

As I sat down with her and picked her up. Looking at her beautiful brown eyes. "I love you!" batting my eyes like in the cartoons. "pucker up baby!" Just as I leaned in to kiss her I SWEAR TO PHOBOS I HEARD HER SPEAK.... "You knew I was gonna kill you one day diddnt you?" And....well....Im here typing so I diddnt blow out my brains like I told uncle pappy I was going to...And I diddnt fuck the bitch either. Thats when It happed. The ultimate case of domestic Violence ever recorded in the history of life. I blew the bitches brains out with MY Shell. "fuck you bitch!" and I started firing round after round into the bitches glass corpse all shattered about now. The smell of her tainted blood on the barrel of my shot gun. "this relationship is broken honey, and there aint no fixing it." BAM BAM BAM!!!! shooting at the air now and yelling at nothing. I started laughing in most dense hysteria.

I stayed up there that night eating sardines and muchy wunchie on triscuts. I was High but not on drugs. It was the strangest feeling I have ever had since the first time I blew my load into my hand as an adolesent. Watching the sun rise, I realised that I hadnt slept in almost 24 hours. I grabbed my bag and headed back down the hill, leaving 7 cans of opened sardines for my dissapointed friends. Fish meal better than no meal at all guys. Firing shots at cactus plants as I walked on. Reaching my car, dropping my bag and then passing out on a bench under a rock in the shade. still hot but shade none the less.

When I woke it was cool evening dark. I picked myself up and started the car but the battery was dead. Somehow I left the lights on. As I sat there for no more than 5 minutes with no cell phone reseption I could see lights heading my way. I sort of put my arm up and waved very calm like. It was a group of college looking kids blasting what sounded like Slayer on the speakers. "is this a good place to party!?" he asked.  I smiled "Hell of a place to do so" His smile turned into a concerned look of worry as he looked down at my hands. I realized I was still holding the 4-10. "Umm. Can you give me a jump?" I smiled and threw the gun into the back seat. "Uhh yeah." he chuckled. Jumped my car for me, and unhooked the cables. "what are you drinking?" I asked them. "oh just some beer. you?" I reached into my bag and pulled out the other 5th of 101 and held it up giving it a little shake and with a smile. Then I tossed it over to him and he caught it. "what for?" he asked. "for the jump" I said "I wont be needing it where Im going"

Im ALIVE! Im SOBER! And Im pretty god damn happy at this moment right now. It wont last but its right now and thats all that matters to me right now! It was the craziest, insane most lunatic bender ever, ever. ever.