We are both on day 64 of sobriety. Have been to one AA meeting a day everyday. I love the meetings! My bf wants me to go to Atlanta (big party city) with him to a cousin's wedding in Oct. This cousin, has suddenly became his "favorite" over the last two days since the invite although he hasn't seen her since the early 90's and seldom keeps in touch with her. Alcohol will be served and I have been to two family get togethers of his and they are all big partiers and there has always been drinking and alot of drinking. I mean everyday we were there and the cans and bottles start getting popped after noon and don't stop until late at night. I told him that I just cannot risk being around all the alcohol and risk losing my sobriety. He is still going with or without me and says he is strong, committed not to drink and will be fine, he is strong and his family is supportive of him. I told him that they will not stop drinking just because he has and fear he will drink. He will be gone at least four days. I am worried if he comes back a drinker, I will start again, as we live together (and have been for five years). I have told him I just cannot go through all the drinking again, if he does slip, I am thinking about moving in with my mom. Although there it is a small town she lives in and there is only one AA meeting a week and that bothers me, but I cannot afford to rent an apartment on my own where I am.
If you search me and see a post i made when I first stopped drinking, you will see this relationship hasn't been very healthy anyway (but alot calmer since we don't drink) and maybe this is a meant to be. I have alot love for him, but don't feel he has his priorities straight, and never really has anyway, but I am really really scared of all of this, but at the same time don't want to be an ogre for not understanding his desires to go to the wedding and be with his family.
We cannot work someone elses program ... we can only do what's right for us ... at 64 days sober, I think there's certainly a big risk, higher than normal ... and for 4 days ?, well, I think that would have been more than I could endure at that point in my sobriety ...
If your bf has worked all the steps and is on solid sober ground, perhaps he'll be just fine ... but if he returns back in the bag, so to speak, then you'll have to set your boundaries and stick to them ... after all, your sobriety needs to be the most precious thing in the world to you, else you'll compromise your peace and serenity and perhaps go down the tubes with him ...
I love that you already have a backup plan in place ... may God grant you the courage to follow through with your commitment ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I went to a wedding after 2 weeks of AA sobriety. I got drunk. I remained drunk for 4 months and nearly died before returning to AA and getting sober. I learnt never to be a people pleaser anymore. I stayed away from places where I could be tempted and get drunk. Some people got upset. After 24 years in AA, I have buried some that got upset with me. Mostly they were alcoholics in denial.
You stated that your relationship hasn't always been the healthiest and I will take your word for that rather than search for the earlier post. That said, I see a lot that is healthy in your post. You've made a decision independent of your boyfriend because you feel that the situation may jeopardize your sobriety. That is outstanding and I hope you've taken a break from your daily routine to pat yourself on the back for that. Your boyfriend has concluded that his sobriety is not in jeopardy and hence is going anyway. Bravo for him as well. I am not able to ascertain his recovery from here, so I cannot say whether it is a good idea for him to go or not. What I can say is that you've both exhibited a tremendous lack of co-dependent behavior from what I can see in your post. That's not something that I would expect to see in a couple in early recovery. You have a plan if he slips; a plan that is tremendously healthy and you've communicated your boundary to him. If he does slip and you follow through with your plan you've gotten the trifecta - heck, for 64 days, you've hit the Triple Crown of healthy: Place a boundary, communicate the boundary, follow through with the boundary.
Wow! Thanks so much for your inspiring responses (and Angell, I am surprised and overwhelmed that I can have impressed anyone, as I have been so down on myself for so many years now, but do have to say that I feel better about myself during my sobriety, than I have for years. Not sure if I worded that clearly or not.)
Well, the good thing that came out of all of this is that I went to another AA meeting tonight and by myself rather than as a couple as we have been doing. Went to a 12:00 one, and this is the first day I have been to two, but was just so depressed and felt the need to. I also have been putting off getting a sponsor (another earlier posting of mine...). I got one tonight. As crazy as it sounds, I am scared to go to the wedding because of what I mentioned, and scared to stay here by myself while he goes. The last trip he went on a few months ago, he was gone for a week and I drank 3 bottles of wine in one day and really wanted to drink myself to death. I have isolated myself for so many years, have made no effort to make friends, and don't do "by myself" very well. So hopefully, I will be stronger by then and that won't be an issue.
Thanks again for your great answers.
..and Angell, I am surprised and overwhelmed that I can have impressed anyone, as I have been so down on myself for so many years now, but do have to say that I feel better about myself during my sobriety, than I have for years. Not sure if I worded that clearly or not.)
Perfectly clear. And there's more. The last time you were by yourself, you drank. This time, you got a sponsor before he left. I don't know what's going on in the Universe but I keep running into newcomer after newcomer since January 1st 2013 that are taking their recovery seriously and giving me every reason to believe that they're going to make it. Came in in 1978 and I haven't seen this many newcomers ready to make a change in one year ever...and the year isn't over. Seriously, my home group had six newcomers show up in January and ever one of them picked up a six month chip. Four newcomers in February and they're all still sober. I've picked up two sponsee's in the last month and they're both blowing up my phone wondering when they can start their fourth step... unreal...
Stay close, you have the markings of one who can make it. :)
Glad you posted! My first time on here, couldnt sleep! Its difficult to get/stay sober when your environment is compromised. When i sobered up in 1994 i had a roommate who was an acquaintance, not really what i would call a good friend. We drank together all the time and he smoked pot all the time as well. (I usually didnt). ...asked him nit to drink when i was home and he did pretty good with that and was surprisingly supportive. All my other 'buddies' faded away. Don't think I could have stayed if it had been a GF though.
Glad you have a plan in place and a sponsor now. Get the hell out of the house and hit meetings every day while he is gone to keep your head in the right place! Also be aware of your BF when he returns and watch for signs that he has slipped and might be sneaking around drinking, just to be on the safe side. If he is drinking, gtfo!
I went to 'shoot pool' with some friends that insisted i go out with them abt 6 months after i joined AA, was VERY uncomfortable with all the drinking around me, couldnt wait to leave! Was years before i was comfortable being around people in a drinking environment and still don't like to be in those situations.
Keep in touch with your sponsor and don't hang out alone! Its been 19 years now and i still have to be mentally aware of myself and my program (gets easier over time!). AA has helped me find my God, my sobriety, my sanity (mostly, hehe) and my life is calm and safe even when the shit hits the fan! We love you so stay the course, work your plan and keep your ass parked in a merting chair :)
If you find you have to move home get a phone list of the local group and USE it day or night! Thats why we are here!
M@
My experience is that 42 days sober I decided to go out of town, Orlando, I live in Kentucky, by myself. My objective was to go to an NBA game and go to a couple AA meetings. I did both and continued to stay sober. Though at 64 days of sobriety you feel this way, you don't have to make the decision right now to go to the wedding. Depend on the God of your understanding, pray and ask for guidance. Ask him to remove the fear that you have of being around alcohol and that He help to provide you an "intuitive thought" to guide your decision. You don't have to make the decision on your own. Ask your Higher Power for guidance. Maybe in October, more than 60 days away, you will be ok to go to the wedding, but if not, that's ok too. It's also good that you told your boyfriend up front that right now, you're not willing to do that.
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Willingness without action is fantasy!
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. But don't say it mean.
Nice stuff here BTY! What I've learned is: if we stay sober and work The Program, we can't screw this up. Meaning, God has plans for us and they will materialize if we stay close to him/her. The gifts that have developed over time in The Program are beyond my wildest dreams. If I'd made a wish list when entering The Program, I would've cut myself real short. I'm happy that your putting yourself before others. That's important and vital to healthy recovery. Have faith in a Power greater than youself that things will work out just the way they should. God does for us what we can't do for ourselves. Acceptance is key. Try not to project(predict outcomes). They're out of your control. Take care of you and everything else will fall into place. Sponsorship was and still is a key component to my recovery. Wishing you well on you journey.
Hey bty, ... turn your emotions over to God just as you do everything else, He will move in and grant you the confidence you need ... I got used to saying a prayer in the car on the way to a meeting and asked that if I was granted the opportunity to share, to let it come from Him instead of me ... it was really amazing how well that worked ... Because, I too, got emotional early in my sobriety ... and I could not figure out why ... maybe because I felt like these folks were family and I hadn't had that feeling for a long time ... I know, I'm a guy, but I DID get very emotional and I hated it ...
Maintain your conscious contact with the big guy upstairs and I guarantee you everything will work out for the better ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 1st of August 2013 03:57:42 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
You will note that we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?" If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!
Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there; if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically. If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along. Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor.
Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed".
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Thursday 1st of August 2013 05:06:14 PM
For me, at least my first time around as well as now, I'm surrendered. If I'm truly in this state, I could even tend bar and still not drink. But that's only if I truly surrender and turn my life and will over.
I found the hardest part was the questions. "C'mon, you can have one can't you?" "What's the big deal?". Drunks don't like to see others succeed in sobriety. We are the Captains of nobody's ship anymore and as long as we can rely on stregth from our HP of our understanding, we should always prevail.
The other one is "Is it ok if I drink"? People ask ME if it's ok to drink in front of me. I always say "SURE! I'm not here to ask you to change your life".
But if you feel you are worried that situations will put you in trouble, avoid them all until you gain better confidence in your defense of the drink, but someday you will have to face down the party situations.
But if you feel you are worried that situations will put you in trouble, avoid them all until you gain better confidence in your defense of the drink, but someday you will have to face down the party situations.
Great advice and insight ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks again for all of your helpful postings. Very much appreciate all of them and love hearing your stories. The meeting I am going to go to tonight gives a chip out for each month of sobriety and looking forward to getting my two month chip. Only thing is, I'll probably boo hoo through meeting (quietly) as been pretty depressed thinking about all this and a couple of times before, although made it without breaking down here very much, as soon as I got into the meeting, and am around all the people, I break down. Don't know why I do that. So embarrassing, and don't want anyone to see my tears and think I've been drinking again. Hopefully, the longer I am sober, the less emotional and wimpy I will be.
Congrats on 64 days! I think you're instincts are right on, and it's great that you are looking at the situation from all angles, setting up an 'escape plan' if needed, and most importantly- putting your own sobriety as priority #1. In my opinion, that's tremendous for 64 days of sobriety. Well done.
Congrats also on the 64 days and coming here to MIP for some insight. So many good things said, I don't think I can add much....
Just a reminder, ATL is a big city with a lot of meetings and sober people (myself being one). You might want to ask if he plans to attend any meetings here, not a good sign if it's not on the radar. PM me if he will be in the Cobb Co area and wants a connection.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Good point Rob, ... bty, feel free to contact me (PM me here) also if he is to be on the south side of Atl ... We have a ton of meetings here also ... and I'd pick him up if I need to (hopefully not in the downtown area ... LOL)
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Python and Rob,
Wow! I am overwhelmed at your kindness and offers. Very very nice. I will pass that on to him, although I'm not sure if I will be here then. Really am looking forward to working with my sponsor and hope I learn how not to be so dependent on him so I won't let these kind of things get to me.
Thanks for others who took the time and posted to. I usually go back and read and re-read the postings as I love this warm and fuzzy feeling I get reading your responses and knowing I'm not as alone as I have thought I was for so many years :)
Ya'll have a great day (as we say in the south!)
October is a way away and in time lessons about "don't project" may come up for you. They did for me and I am extreemly grateful for all of them because one of the greatest fears I had was for the future. Living in the day was rocket science for me. "One day at a time". In the one days I learned something from a recovering buddy of mine who gave me another tool for recovery that was quite unexpected and still those are the ones which made me feel blessed alot.
He told me that he had commiserated about going to a family party for weeks on end. He knew from his past that they knew he was a major drinker at family events and didn't know that he had quit and was a member of AA. He worried and he fretted and was anxious and all rolled into one...he was miserable. His fear level was high and then it caused him to forget the "God Factor". He told me that he prayed and turned it over and turned it over and prayed and didn't have a solution to what he knew would happen as it always happened in the past; he would be met at the front door by a relative with his favorite beer in hand and a slam on the back. He finally quit worrying about it greatly and went with trusting. He thought about not going yet had justifications greater for being with family and when the day came he went with severe anxiety right up to the door; which opened and there stood a cousin he use to drink with and there was his favorite beer along with the welcoming statement, "We remembered your favorite". The hand came toward him as was expected and surprise!!! He looked up at his cousin and smiled and said, "No thanks, I've had enough", and walk into the family. No thanks I've had enough!! Take that one and use it if you have to. Practice it...roll it around in your head and your mouth and see how it fits and how it affects your mind, body, spirit and emotions. Doesn't it make you feel more confident. You can have it free...that's how much I paid for it myself. ((((hugs))))
