I mentioned in passing to my wife that yesterday was my "1 month" anniversary. She observed that I didn't seem to have suffered at all. I agreed that I had not suffered at all. So she popped back with a question/statement, "So you're not like a real bad alcoholic?" That gave me a little pause, made me smile just a little but quickly an answer came to me and I shared:
"I can't drink like a normal person. If I have 1 sip of a beer, I am already thinking about the 2nd bottle, then the 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc, until they are all gone. I have absolutely no control over alcohol. The first drink always leads to me reeling around the house until I pass out. Period. But, from the moment that I admitted I was powerless over alcohol and realized that a power greater than me could and would restore me, I have not desired or even thought about taking a drink. Well, maybe I thought about a cold beer when the temperatures were over 100, but that thought was immediately followed up with a sense of revulsion over where I would end up. So, no desire at all."
I was able to explain to my wife that I finally gave my problem to my HP and He took it away. Now, He's got me working on some other stuff, but the most important thing has already happened. I shared a verse from Deuteronomy 29:6 with her and showed her page 45 in the Big Book that the main purpose was to help me find a Power greater than myself which would solve my problem. She paused and said, "Its a miracle, I think I get it now." I'm not sure if she does. She was raised in a alcoholic house and has 1 brother and 1 sister who are alcoholics and has only known me as an alcoholic - but I behave differently than her family, so thus, she doesn't consider me as "bad" as them, but I have the rest of our lives to show her what a sober husband is like. We have 25 years in now and plan on over 25 more, so we ought to have some fun.
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I finally listened to my HP. I am convinced that I was placed in a f2f meeting where someone shared with a copy of the BB and just let me sit and listen. I don't know if the hard part is yet to come, but it seems to me, for me, that giving up my selfish desire to try and "fix" this myself, humble myself to the point of asking for and accepting help from someone I can't see was the hardest thing I have done yet. Am I in the clear? I don't think so. I've realized that I will always be an alcoholic and powerless over alcohol by my own reckoning, but by the grace of God, I am no longer a drunk.
None of us are in the clear. We're alcoholics. But if we practice the steps, we don't have to suffer the despair of drinking alcoholics. That's not to say we won't incur suffering - life has plenty of that to offer everyone, alcoholic or not. But we don't need to add to it.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
I was able to explain to my wife that I finally gave my problem to my HP and He took it away.
She paused and said, "Its a miracle, I think I get it now." I'm not sure if she does.
It is a miracle...I know it is for me. But I had to work for it. I gave my problem to my HP also...In the first 9 steps. That's where it promises me....God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Faith without works is dead.
Congrats Troy on attaining 1 month sobriety ... just continue to work the steps and go to meetings ... and I agree with 'Pickle and Q', we are never 'in the clear' ...
You're off to a great start but there WILL be trials ahead ... try to get into and maintain a good spiritual condition ... It's great that it seems you have the support of your wife, many don't ... my wife was skeptical of my 'recovery' until I got a year in ... then the trust slowly returned ... we both had hit the 'giving up' state ... she was ready to divorce and I was ready to quit ... by the grace of God, she stayed with me and I have stayed sober ... Yesterday was our 40th wedding anniversary ... A miracle in and of itself ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Aloha Troy and welcome to the board...This disease is not about "bad"...it isn't a moral issue. It is about sick, illness, disease. Know that the disease predates the life of the Christ by several thousands of years and we are pretty much an altered species. Alcoholism can be found in our DNA and while you got sick on rum I got embraced by it. I was a theologiest "and" alcoholic...one didn't cancel out the other there are people attending services of their own choosing because they and I had met...it isn't a moral issue. In AA I learn alternative ways of living with this life threatening disease. I don't drink and I don't think drink. I have as set of 12 steps I follow religiously on a daily basis and today I know my higher power personally and often see my higher power in how and within whom my higher power puts in my life. The real miracle in my life today is giving away what has been freely given to me that got me and kept me alcohol free and sober and to watch others work it and do the same thing. "For that I am responsible". The Al-Anon Family Groups (I am also a member) is for the spouses, friends, family and associates of alcoholics...maybe your wife will come to understand more if she can find a meeting that takes place and the same time as your AA meeting. Often times that happens. Welcome to the board...In service and support
It was important for me to not force my husband to understand all of this right away - and also not talk recovery non-stop for the first months. I wanted to - and did for a while - but someone clued me in to the fact that this whole life of drinking, for both of us, everything was all about me. Now that I was in recovery, I was STILL making everything all about me. I had to pull out the selfishness for the thorn that it was.
After that, and from there on out, I've been actively trying to make things more about him, and trying to gain humility. It's sad I have to try so hard - that my self centeredness ran so deep that after over a year of doing this now, I still have to work at putting someone other than me first.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks for all the responses. My wife understands that for a while, my recovery has to be about me. Obviously she is a part of it, but right now, I am trying to become a better me, so I can be better for her. I can say that our laughter and joy for the past several weeks has been more genuine than its been in years. My poking fun at her for her various quirks has been more light and less biting and her beauty is re-emerging in my eyes, mainly because I can see her again, with clear vision and not resentment for her nagging over my drinking. Can't blame her for her nagging, but dang, its nice to not have to hear that! She seems nicer too ;) or maybe its just that I not quite acting like the same asshole I was when I drink.
Everything changes for the better. Keep the faith, brother!
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Well said Troy, ... ... ... I went through the same experience as you described above ... and I indeed had to make my first year a 'me' program until I could learn to be trusted and to start giving back ... I had to be selfish about going to meetings and getting well ... If I hadn't, I'd have let work and family distract me from recovery and I may not have made it ... this way, I focused on my recovery to ensure my usefulness to everyone else ... without recovery, I was simply 'useless' as a human being ... much less as a husband and father ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Troy,
loved your post. Amazing insight to realise that the whole AA deal is about getting you connected to a power greater than yourself who will solve all your problems. That's step 2 done. What's next? Make a decision (step3) to get onto ACTION (step4).....
"we vigourously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past". As we cleaned up the past? So let's not forget today, step 10 to clean up any new mistakes as we go along, step 11 prayer for strength and guidance, and step 12 (helping others) to help that feeling of uselessness and self pity slip away.
There is more to it of course and sometimes we will make a mistake, but it is through practice that we get the hang of this thing, that it eventually becomes a working part of the mind.
Great progress Troy, I look forward to hearing more from you.
