Hi all:) I think I have been very fortunate and blessed to have experienced few cravings for booze- its more the insanity of an alcoholic mind that I struggle with, as opposed to the notion that drinkings a good idea for me. That being said, the cravings I do get seem to come out of nowhere full- force. As many of you know, I work in a restaurant. Most of my job entails selling booze. Generally, I'm fine with it. I have accepted the fact that although many people can drink, I cannot. It's really that simple. It's not for me any longer. My obsessive love affair with booze brought me to depths of despair I never care to visit again. It left me spiritually bankrupt and very much the walking dead- soulless. Again, that being said, we had many good times together. Last night at work, I had a table of ladies enjoying sangria. These ladies were about my age, beautiful, well dressed and charming. Out of nowhere, I am hit with this memory of a Date I went on years ago. I was 32, and my boyfriend was 24 (lead singer in a band, 6'4" and gorgeous- but I digress:). Anyway, we went to a great Spanish restaurant- I was all dolled up and we had a great time. I drank over 2 pitchers of sangria during dinner BEFORE we went to the bar. Last night, I felt this sadness sweep over me as I realized I will never have sangria again. That one night, out of thousands of disasterous ones, is a fond memory. Guess how that relationship ended? Well, he put up with my alcohol induced insanity for a few more months before he finally had enough. Sure, I can remember a handful of good times together, but I cannot forget the other, like 200 awful nights. Or the emotional assault I unleashed on this poor guy simply because he dared to care about me...and all of the others ive wreaked havoc upon. The damage i caused to people that tried to care about me far outweighs the infrequent 'bright spots'.Yes, the love affair with booze was a very sordid, torrid one with a few good times. In the end, I don't miss it a bit:)
There are lots of things that were fun for a while and then slowly I outgrew them. I always thought I would outgrow alcohol too - but I never did. That's the difference between us and them I guess.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Ya know??? ... that's kind of the way I got with my best friend and drinking buddy ... I'd get stocked up on beer for myself (usually 5 or 6 cases for the next week) and my buddy would drop by and not leave till we'd gone through a case in just a few hours ... ... ... he was getting to be expensive for me to have around ... and finally, I started hiding my 'stash' from him too ... ... ... LOL
toward the end, I didn't want to be around anybody, I just want my bottles of vodka to keep me company ... ... ... ended up going a week without food, lost a lot of weight, and nearly died ... what a great life, huh ??? ... Thank God and people like you folks for not giving up on me, I truly am a miracle in progress, even now ...
Love you Col and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 12th of July 2013 10:52:01 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
thank you, Col. and thanks for the reminder.... when i think a drink might be ok, i remember the daily morning hangover/sickness and how awful i looked in the mirror every morning. i was ashamed of myself every minute until i downed my first after work drink. such a sad and lonely way to live. what we have now is a paradise compared to the past!!! hugs.
If he could see you now...hmmmm Great share Col; one that raises memories of my own both the before the during and after ones. I like the after ones best...the "getting the wake up call" ones, the ones that were followed with the awareness..."okay I see it now; I agree this is descriptive of...what's that word....alcoholic"? Who knew? My cousin who was my alcoholic sponsor maybe did and wasn't telling expecially the part that he tried AA before continuing on to the end of his journey. I drank for only one reason, because I could; because it was there and because no one told me "go easy" or "don't" and so I would have the "more than is rational" times and many of those with all of the other drama that comes with it...the mind, body, spirit and emotional sadnesses. I remember that one time when I was trying to be the non-designated drinking sponsor for my own wife...sitting her down and saying to her in a bar..."So you wanna drink...this is how it's done" and after a whole slew of scotch neats stood up and said, "Gotta get home..dinners already done". My wife sat there with her eyes like saucers and the bartender came over and said, "surely you are not going to try to drive home after that". I couldn't believe he would ask me that question and I left. My wife once said to me "God I wish I could drink like that" and I went on to being grateful that we parted both of of being alive.
"We don't wish to close the door on it (the past)". I like your humble share. Mahalo. (((hugs)))
What's really messed up about the 'sangria night' is that the person I was dining with was an afterthought - I could've been sitting there by myself. The real 'date' was the alcohol. That pretty much sums up any 'social drinking' I did- waiting for the other person to leave so I could be alone with my booze. THAT'S an alcoholic lol! Thank my HP I don't live that way any longer:)
That is important for me to remember also Col...everything and one else was an after thought. Reality perspective and memory. Don't even want to go back there. (((hugs)))
The only time I drank fru-fru drinks was when I was trying to convince myself I was a social drinker. It didn't occur to me that a social drinker doesn't take swigs of vodka from a gallon jug hidden under the sink.
-- Edited by Q on Saturday 13th of July 2013 09:27:32 AM
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
In college after we had parties, we would sit around and laugh and try and remember everything that happened. That seemed so fun and funny then. Part of me wishes I could go back then and bust in and say "It's not funny dumb asses!" But then I would probably just laugh at stupid "old" me for being all square and what not. I never knew at 20 or 30 what I was going to become at 36. It was so insideous. Like pappy...I went past beer and only drank vodka. Sangria would have been something I might have done only if I "fortified" it with vodka. I did go to spain at age 21 and we drank sangria there. I was enlightened to see them make it with cheap wine and orange fanta and bits of fruit. Since then, that became my recipe and everyone loved it (made with boxed chillable red franzia)... But like I said, during my last couple years drinking, that would have been not strong enough for me to get drunk fast enough.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It didn't occur to me that a social drinker doesn't take swigs of vodka from a gallon jug hidden under the sink.
LOL....Somehow I missed that one too. I worked most of my life in the restaurant business...It was like going to school to perfect my alcoholism....I got a PHD in it. I had to hang up the apron and put away the church key. God Bless you Col....Great share.
These responses are great! I've noticed that when I am triggered by booze, it's usually by drinks that are so seemingly innocuous. It's not vodka , or whiskey (which tended to be my choices, but really I drank anything)- because these don't trigger 'good' memories. For me, it's the stuff I didn't drink all that often, or the lighter stuff. They send my mind, very briefly, to that place of "oh, but it's just sangria... Does that even count?". Of course, I could drink enough of anything to get drunk. Main reason why I tried to drink more wine towards the end of my drinking. Sure, I'd generally begin with vodka or whiskey to 'get started', but wine was so harmless...well not after 2 or 3 bottles by myself haha. Strange how we try to manipulate ourselves. I'd think " this is what the beautiful, put together people drink, so it's ok!". Right.
These responses are great! I've noticed that when I am triggered by booze, it's usually by drinks that are so seemingly innocuous. It's not vodka , or whiskey (which tended to be my choices, but really I drank anything)- because these don't trigger 'good' memories. For me, it's the stuff I didn't drink all that often, or the lighter stuff. They send my mind, very briefly, to that place of "oh, but it's just sangria... Does that even count?". Of course, I could drink enough of anything to get drunk. Main reason why I tried to drink more wine towards the end of my drinking. Sure, I'd generally begin with vodka or whiskey to 'get started', but wine was so harmless...well not after 2 or 3 bottles by myself haha. Strange how we try to manipulate ourselves. I'd think " this is what the beautiful, put together people drink, so it's ok!". Right.
Right! I would sometimes buy an expensive bottle of imported wine to have with dinner, but at the same time I would buy a gallon of cheap vodka. So I would sip on the wine during dinner, cork the bottle (with some wine still left in it!) and put it on the wine rack - just like the put-together people.
Of course, later the vodka would come out and I would drink like a real man, lol.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
For years I used to have to get up 2 hrs earlier in the morning just so I could clean my system out from the day before's drinking. I had diarrhea so bad and dry heaves that it took every bit of 2 hrs to get up enough strength to get myself ready for work. I don't miss that at all. I still sometimes don't like the fact that I'm an alcoholic ....but it is what it is.
