A.A sponsorship

Insanicdrunk · Member

A.A sponsorship

2granddaughters · Senior Member

Try a different meeting(s). If the student is ready the teacher will appear.

When this all works itself out you will see God's wisdom in it.

All the best.

Bob R

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Just because you don't have a sponsor doesn't mean you have to drink. I had a really hard time with sponsorship until I was in the program for a good while - 8 or so months in I think is when I was starting to become less judgmental, less critical of people and started being able to have reasonable expectations of someone instead of thinking they were going to save me and be totally perfect all the time. It was nearly impossible for me to accept that these were just people also recovering for a long time.

Also - I ran into lots of people who were looking for an ego boost, or had other motives for sponsorship. All the while though - I stayed sober and didn't give up on myself just because other people were letting me down. This program will work if you work for it - sponsor or not. I completely agree that having a long term sober person who can show you through the steps and the program is the best possible thing - and by having one, you give yourself the best possible path for a less rocky road to recovery. BUT. Just because you don't have one, doesn't mean you get to drink. That's your disease talking right there.

Keep coming back here. This site was like a collaborative group sponsor for me. I had questions and I had lots to learn. I did almost all of it here - I also kept trying to find a sponsor. I've been with the same sponsor for a while now, and I still forget every so often that she's only human... however... I know I will make it with or without her - which is exactly what a good sponsor wants for you. The sponsor isn't our HP. They can't get us drunk or keep us sober. They could get hit by a bus tomorrow... and you'd have to be able to stand on your own two feet and move on.

Please keep coming back!

Insanicdrunk · Member

I don't believe that a sponsor is the be all and end all but I really think I need to work the steps and need a sponsor in order to do it properly.

I am not slating A.A or my group in particular but I really don't see the point if I can only get so far without a sponsor in order to take this the whole way.

I have been in and out of the rooms and rehab for the last ten years when I left rehab the last time I was convinced I needed a sponsor to make progress with the program .

As for finding another group there are no other groups in my Town .

Lastly I was just looking to see if this was the norm .

For instance I was talking to a great guy who has been sober for a long time and he was stating to me that his sponsor had left to go abroad and he just said in passing that it was so hard to get a sponsor to replace him.

Now this is a stand up long term er who still feels the need for a sponsor and I was deflated when he said that even he was finding difficulty finding one surely that should not be the case given what A.A is all about .

maybe I am wrong but I just don't get it .

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I posted stuff similar to this on this board about 30 times... truly though... we just make a big deal out of things. Make it about as big of a deal as brushing your teeth. Yes... you need to in the long term. Certain toothbrushes work really well - some don't - but you just keep on keepin on with it until you find a right fit, and make the best of what you've got each day.

I feel for you. My sponsorship experience over all has been horrible. Mostly due to myself.

However - I do know this thing can work no matter what. You don't have to have a sponsor in your home group or even in your city. I just took a lady through the steps who lives in Australia! All we had was the phone and the internet. Never even met each other. But we have a great connection - and she's doing awesome, and is well on her way to the spiritual awakening that the steps intend... and already feels the promises and a much more peaceful life. She doesn't have meetings where she is... so, this can work for now until maybe she starts one?

When I thought my town was without anyone suitable to sponsor me - I considered driving to a bigger city to just get some numbers from potential sponsors and do remote over the phone sponsorship.

Remember - the first people had to drive across states and be in contact through letters... if they can do it... you can too.

Don't give up on yourself.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Insanicdrunk....I was one of those. Thirty five years of daily drinking had cost me everything....Wife, house, too many jobs to count and even my sanity. I was useless and hopeless. I had two choices....Drink myself to death....Which I was well on my way to doing...Or accept this spritual solution I had seen work for others like myself. I had been beaten to that state of reasonableness they talk about in the Book. I was WILLING to do ANYTHING.

This is what worked for me when I left rehab. I studied the Big Book....Especially the first 103 pages....The directions for the steps. It goes like this.

The Doctors Opinion and pages 1 through 43....Step 1...51 pages on a very important step.

Pgs 44 through 63....Steps 2 and 3....19 Pages....Two critical steps.

Bottom of page 63 to page 84....Steps 4 through 9. Six steps in 20 pages.

That leaves 19 Pages for steps 10 through 12...With step 12 being it's own chapter.

I studied it...I asked questions at meetings....I listened to speaker tapes...There is a ton of them online...I wish I'd known about this place....I would have picked their brains clean.

When I was ready....Which was soon for me....I did most of this in rehab...I listened in meetings for someone that talked about the steps....The solution...I prayed I'd find a good one...My first week out I heard what I needed to hear...I walked up to the guy after the meeting...And I said..."Can you take me through these steps?....I'm ready". And he did...If he said no...I would have repeated my plan with someone else....I was willing. That was two years ago last week....I still have a lot to learn....I need to practice this daily....But it saved my life....And I'm actually happy for a change.....That's what it's all about....Change.

Remember a sponsor is there to guide you....The footwork is up to you.

-- Edited by Stepchild on Saturday 13th of July 2013 02:47:06 AM

Insanicdrunk · Member

Thanks or all the replies , there is a lot of good advice in there .

My one contention would be, how do you work step 5 without a sponsor you can trust.

-- Edited by Insanicdrunk on Saturday 13th of July 2013 05:23:03 AM

Senior Member

Step 5 doesn't have to be done with a sponsor - I did the step with the pastor of my church, who I had come to trust over the course of a year.

But the person should be trustworthy, on board with what you are trying to do, and not try to persuade you from your course. These are the instructions from the Big Book.

Senior Member

Insanicdrunk: I'll be your temporary online sponsor if you'd like. If you're interested, send me a private message and we'll swap emails. Looking at your profile, I see we're both men of the same age - we might be able to help each other out.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Insanicdrunk wrote:

My one contention would be, how do you work step 5 without a sponsor you can trust.

For myself....I had to start trusting people...And I had to start trusting God. Neither one let me down. This is where my faith was built. Finding someone that has had a spiritual awakening...As a result of those steps was key for me. I told someone I had known less than a month things I had never shared with anyone....Not even family. I trust this guy with my life today...He has become a true friend.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Insanicdrunk wrote:
At my group there is a real reluctance to become a sponsor.
There are many long term sober members who when asked to become my sponsor , and I really need one , who are very reluctant to do so .
Now I know that it is not just an issue with myself, it is an over all issue that seems to be manifest within the group and it really annoys the hell out of me .I had a friend who left rehab around the same time as me , he frantically asked many members to sponsor him as one of the last things you are told when leaving rehab is to make sure you get a sponsor and double quick.He could not find one and subsequently went back out there.
I tried frantically myself but none were forthcoming, I left.
I don't wish to railroad some one into sponsoring me as that is not the point of it in my view but the amount of members in this group who are reluctant to practice this A.A principle makes me despair.
I have since returned and the problem remains the same I just don't get it and was wondering if anyone else had come across this and any advice on how to resolve it would be greatly received.

Getting an AA sponsor is not always easy. Especially so in areas without many meetings. I empathize with your difficult, InsanicDrunk.

Having a sponsor is a positive (usually) factor in AA sobriety but I've known many good sober folks without a sponsor. For one, my sponsor now doesn't have one.

I got a sponsor at about 10 months, IIRC. I have gone through periods (a few years) since then with no sponsor.

For me, the critical factor to early sobriety and continued AA membership was to stay connected. Stay connected to: meetings, other AAs, friends in AA, newcomers and people with time, the literature.

Good luck in finding a sponsor. Maybe the online sponsorship is a good idea.

AA tells us that about 1 in 5 members don't have a sponsor. And that a bit less than 3 of 4 members get a sponsor within 90 days. Which means that 1 in 4 do not. It turned out OK for me. So, maybe it's a question of time for you. Maybe you'll get one next week. But until then, you can stay connected to AA in so many ways. Thanks for sharing your problem.

As far as a Step 5 is concerned the Big Book recommends strongly that this can be done with a clergy member. Or it can be done with our doctor or psychologist. The Twelve & Twelve also makes the same suggestion.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

Good luck in finding a sponsor. I can relate to what you are saying. There are some groups here who seem to have forgotten the importance of the big book and sponsorship. Some have a guiding rule that you can't sponsor until you have a certain period of sobriety.

It doesn't matter too much what you call it, but for long term recovery it is essential to work with others.

If you know others with the same problem, find one you can get on with and sponsor each other. Just get together a few times a week with the Big Book and study it together and try putting it into practice. Understanding and perfection are not what we are seeking. Action is the key word. Take action on this and all will work out. Take heart from those who went before. They managed to get AA started around the world mostly without sponsors. Page 163 is so encouraging:

"Thus we grow. And so can you, though you be but one man with this book in your hand. We believe and hope it contains all you will need to begin.

We know what you are thinking. You are saying to yourself: "I'm jittery and alone. I couldn't do that." But you can. You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself. To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor."

God bless,
MikeH.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Her are a couple good sites for you guys....This one covers what you need to know about a first AA meeting...Including sponsorship. It's written by a doctor...Non AA....But he did his homework. Covers everything and it's well done.

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/First_AA_Meeting.html#Introduction

And here is the Official AA pamphlet on sponsorship.

http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

-- Edited by Stepchild on Sunday 14th of July 2013 03:40:27 AM

Bodyunderconstruction · Member

I had a sponsor once that fired me because I did not want to do step 5 with her.

Dropped a sponsor because she talked about killing herself

Dropped one because she was using

Dropped one because she used me for money ( this was a horrible breaking free situation. She actually stalked me, threatened my family etc )

So as you can see my history with sponsors totally sucks. I just can't seem to pick the right one. I have started going to different meetings and see some possibility's but just too scared to try again. When I think of having a sponsor I get agitated with AA. I know that sounds terrible, but that's just how I feel. I feel much safer here with you guys then with any group or sponsor. I do know however that my steps can't be completed till I learn to trust, let go, and stop trying to be in control.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

You've had a bad run there Birdie. I was very fortunate with my sponsor. Not only did he not want me to turn my will and my life over to him, he made sure I knew a few facts about AA and people in general.

Firstly he told me that people come to AA for all sorts of reasons. Some are actually alcoholics trying to get sober.
Secondly, AA is not a mutual admiration society, I'm going to meet people I don't like.
Thirdly, people have feet of clay, meaning they will let you down sooner or later even with the best intentions. God does not manifest himself in human form, especially not as an AA sponsor.

And, as we are beyond human aid, we need to be working towards placing our dependence upon Him (or your understanding of), not AA members and definitely not sponsors. The sponsors job is to help us do this by showing us how we can have a spiritual experience working the 12 steps. It kinda follows that the sponsor must have already done this, and it will be pretty obvious.

Just in case there are no sponsors around, the Big Book contains the precise instructions on how to do this, which was part of its original purpose.

Birdie, whether you complete the steps or not has nothing to do with having a sponsor, though a sponsor might be helpful. If you are considering another sponsor, perhaps you could ask them if they have worked the steps and what their spiritual awakening/experience has been like.

Otherwise, quietly study the first 103 or so pages of the big book and put what you learn into practice. We'll be here to help you along the way.

God bless,
MikeH.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

WOW...Sorry to hear that Bodyunderconstruction....That's a rough road you've had. I knew nothing about AA when I was given the Big Book in rehab...And it doesn't talk much about sponsorship in the book...As a matter of fact... Sponsor and sponsorship do not appear in the main text of the book. I asked a speaker that visited us about it...And he gave me this advice....Remember there are no rules on this.

To find someone with 5 plus years that's been working the program...That looks happy with their life...And talks about the solution..."The steps" in meetings.

To make sure that they have a sponsor...Meet them if you can.

To listen for as long as needed...Ask other oldtimers about this person...See how he/she gets along with other members....And most important....From How it Works...

If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

Make sure they have what you want.

What you say here was important for me...I'm only speaking of my experience. That's what I needed to do...Quit playing God as they say.

I do know however that my steps can't be completed till I learn to trust, let go, and stop trying to be in control.

Like I said...My experience. You can do it anyway you want....Why did I not want to do it with a priest?...Or a doctor?....

From pg 74 BB

Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.

Who understands an alcoholic better than another alcoholic? I have two priests in my homegroup and they both have sponsors....No rules though.

I hope it works out for you...Pray on it...I'll send you some myself.

Insanicdrunk · Member

Bodyunderconstruction wrote:
I had a sponsor once that fired me because I did not want to do step 5 with her.
Dropped a sponsor because she talked about killing herself
Dropped one because she was using
Dropped one because she used me for money ( this was a horrible breaking free situation. She actually stalked me, threatened my family etc )
So as you can see my history with sponsors totally sucks. I just can't seem to pick the right one. I have started going to different meetings and see some possibility's but just too scared to try again. When I think of having a sponsor I get agitated with AA. I know that sounds terrible, but that's just how I feel. I feel much safer here with you guys then with any group or sponsor. I do know however that my steps can't be completed till I learn to trust, let go, and stop trying to be in control.

Sorry to hear what you have been through with your sponsors and it has given me a lot of food for thought so thanks for sharing it.

Senior Member

Hey Bridie, I'm sorry to hear about your sponsorship woes. I've had a few myself, but not that bad - just some "do nothing" sponsors: call me if you feel like drinking, otherwise I'll see you at meetings. Well, I didn't feel like drinking after I was in the program for a few months, so I never called them.

A sponsor's primary responsibility is to lead a newcomer through the 12 Steps. THAT'S IT. A lot of people shy away from being sponsors because they don't understand the dynamics - they think it's some sort of huge, intrusive commitment. I've sponsored three guys that are still sober after several years, and here's what I told them up front...

I'll be happy to sponsor you, but I'm not a marriage counselor. Neither can I loan you any money or give you any legal advise, etc. All I can do is help you work your way through the steps. I'm merely a guide - you have to be willing to take the journey. I can't call you everyday - I hate talking on the phone, and I have a full-time job, four kids to raise, and a large property to maintain. Don't call me unless you have an emergency, and even then, make sure you have a list of other numbers, because I might be unavailable.

Here's what I will do: I will meet with you on a regular basis to read and discuss the 12 Steps in the Big Book and 12&12. These will be not be social events - we will read the texts together and find ways to apply the message of sobriety to your life. I will give you various assignments. I will share my experience, strength, and hope with you, but should you take any of it as personal advice, remember one thing: this is only one man's perspective.