So I have been sober for a while now and have been married for 30 years. We have a great love for each other however on my part there are no feelings of passion. This has been for a long time but the respect and love we have seemed enough for me. In the last few months I have been experiancing feelings of passion towards another person and It is so new to me but yet exciting and terrifing. I dont think the other person is the issue just like alcohol wasnt the issue, I am very unsettled and need some help and inpput from someone who may have been thru this. Have I reached a point in my sobriety where other areas are now healing and needing attention. This was a fear of mine when I got sober and asked my husband "what if we dont work when Im sober?" He said we would look at that if it happened and if he had to set me free he would eventhou it would be the hardest thing he would ever do. Any input anyone can offer I would apreciate. Thank you.
Well, the 1st thing is, you cannot have 'true' intimacy' when your drunk ... so it sounds like you've eliminated that as a problem ... so, good for you ...
Now, I don't think it is within the scope of 'recovery' efforts to discuss our personal problems, other than what deals directly with alcohol use and abuse ... this is usually where a good sponsor comes in handy ... and in some cases, a good professional that has been trained and has experience in dealing with such matters ...
I had some 'relationship problems' early in recovery and my sponsor had me praying to have my relationship, and hers, to become what God intended for it to become ... if you've been married 30 years to the same guy, then you both should discuss doing something extraordinary with each other in order to renew old passions, I would think ... having an affair outside of marriage is never a good idea, it can cause irreparable damage to your relationship ...
Getting on up in years can dull the passion once there, for intimacy ... and I have accepted that the ole body doesn't quite perform as it once did ... I cannot dial back the clock ... and I think this is simply a 'normal' process that we all must go through as we age ... (in a week and a half, my wife and I will have been married for 40 years) ...
If this is a serious issue with you right now, you may want to seek out professional counseling ... can't hurt ... for sure, if you think it may affect your sobriety ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Pappy is right - this is outside the scope of recovery programs. I would suggest professional counseling. It's very easy to get bad advice on relationships from drunks.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
My wife spent twenty-four years of our lives in prison, so I know something about having a great love without physical intimacy. While it was true that I didn't want anyone else during that time, it is also true that I believe that I could have had sexual relations with someone without it affecting my feelings for my wife. That said, it would have hurt the woman that I have a great love for - and that made it unacceptable to me, even if I had found someone I was interested in.
The other thought I had is that feelings are simply that - feelings. I have felt like having a drink before but I didn't act on it. Likewise, I can have feelings for a person and not act on it as well. Good luck with whatever direction you go in.
Just in case you haven't read it, here's the 'Thought for the Day', posted by Tasha(justadrunk) ... I happen to think it's appropriate for this thread ... :
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Ending Relationships
It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship - with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.
We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don't want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.
Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.
As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.
We are not sparing the other person's feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort - for the other person and ourselves.
If we don't know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.
If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.
Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do. Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.
Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.
Welcome Shelzona to MIP!!
Relationships are between the two people involved period. A professional may give advice, but the actual work has to come from the husband and wife in this situation.
I've seen marriages overcome large obstacles and survive.
I've seen people divorce over one person wanting to still see their friends over the weekend without the spouse.
While sober, and in these rooms, I've seen people split up when sobriety occurred and people woke up to the reality of each other?!
The passion is gone, well 30 years is a long time to be invested into another. I'd suggest trying to light the fire again.
Q is right though...drunks could give you bad advice about relationships......
Q is right though...drunks could give you bad advice about relationships......
True.
We don't do so well on medical or legal advice either. We can help with our primary purpose, sobriety, but as far as your relationship goes, God is the only one who knows what you should do.
"I must turn in ALL things to the father of light who presides over us all"
