Does it ever really stop? Fractured families, inappropriate boundaries, loving people who we really don't like or wouldn't choose to be around on a regular basis?
I find myself in a difficult situation. Between loving my family members, who are still practicing our disease, and maintaining my sanity by NOT being present at certain family functions.
There is a question here, there is a concern here.
How do people in a healthy recovery deal with unhealthy loved ones?
It seems that distancing myself is my choice for today. My program has taught me that I can't have it both ways.
So, as often is the case at meetings or here posting on MIP, I have ended up answering my own concern!! That's why we share to hear ourselves work it through. That's why we write, to put it out there for the fellowship to see and digest.
Our fellowship does not shy away from advice, when it is asked for it is given---sometimes when it's not asked for also...hehehe!!
Please let me know how you deal with your fractured or normal families.
I lost the power of choice in alcohol as have some others in my family, my mother and my sister. Through the grace of God and with help from AA I was able to recover, that is to say have the problem removed as described in the Big Book, and I was given the power to "help" others.
But things are never quite as they seem. I am not cured, I still have the allergy, though not a drug addict I cannot use drugs without ending up back drinking, so in short I still do not have the power of choice in any meaningful way. But I no longer suffer from alcoholism.
Likewise, while I have the power to help others, I don't have the power to fix them. If they are beyond human aid and unwilling to seek spritual help there is nothing I or anyone else can do.
In the case of my mother, she really hit the bottle when I got sober. I had a pretty good sponsor, we found the great female sponsors, we had two extended treatments, and none of these human measures worked. Today 33 years later, she's about 80 years old and the curse of the old folks home in which she resides, She is a seething pit of resentment and not much else, and always in conflict with anyone around her. My sister is not much better, though they are both very fair minded in that they hate every member of our family, about a hundred in all, equally.
I detached from the situation about 5 years ago. There is nothing I can do, my real mother, if she ever existed, is so consumed that there is nothing left. It's sad, but what else can I do?
On the plus side I really love my extended family. There was a time when I was a pariah to them, but since getting sober they have welcomed me with open arms and I just love being in their company. The same goes for my inlaws and nephews through my late wife, and I have just become an honorary uncle to the children of a friend of mine who is in the final stages of a terminal illness.
So I guess though the disease has taken people from me, recovery has brought so many more blessings, things perhaps I might never have appreciated had I not been alcoholic.
Thanks for the replies.....it is difficult to go back into our upbringing. I often joke about being raised by wolves, but it is no joke. I'm the youngest of five and I had to grow up really fast or be crushed by the chaos in the house. Dad worked three jobs, Mom was limited in the emotional department, my oldest sibling was my 2nd and more reliable Mom, my oldest brother has been in and out of rehabs and jails, my second brother died in car crash alone, drinking after 10 years sobriety in 2003, my second sister has had a few mental breakdowns and still isn't all there---then there's me.
Wow, what a laundry list. Good thing I keep only my own laundry these days!! There were times when I tried to super hero my family some respect. It made me rather mature at a young age, gave me a good work and study habit, and all was chipper----hehe----until alcohol and its cunning, baffling and powerful ways brought me to depravity and disgrace.
Life is so much better now, married 23 years, raising four children, sober 8 years one day at a time, and realizing a fellowship and kinship closer than my nuclear family through AA/MIP. This is my chosen family, you are my kin, all of us working on sobriety can't erase or fix our lives, but we can recover from all of this----that's the promise!!
So, I don't go to another family party. So, I learn to love and detach. So, when I hear that someone in my family has continued chaos in their lives it won't bring me as far down as it has before. I will still feel pangs, I love these people. I just can choose them.
Thanks Fyne, Philipid, Bluesman, Pinkchip, and Justadrunk......as long as we all work towards recovery we are a fellowship dedicated to common goals which makes us blood brothers and sisters!!
-- Edited by Pablomoses on Saturday 6th of July 2013 01:57:07 PM
-- Edited by Pablomoses on Saturday 6th of July 2013 01:58:02 PM
As I grow and change in the program, I am more capable of interacting in healthy ways and detaching when it's unhealthy. I guess it's about balance. And yes, you did answer your own question as it seems like you know what is healthy for you in dealing with them at the moment :)
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hmmmm. I just posted about this under 'life on life's terms' thread... so I'll copy and paste:
My mom came to stay with us for the past couple days. I was thinking of how she had tried to get me into AA quite a few times that I had forgotten about in the past 10 or so years. The problem really was though 1. I wasn't able to hear what people were saying here - it WAS just more clutter like you said. 2. She had been in Alanon for years when she was still married to my dad (also alcoholic) and she always claimed she just LOVED it and it taught her how to live. However... I didn't see her living any differently. I didn't see her change - and definitely DID NOT want what she had. She was the shamer - the yeller - the spanker - the one who I felt was the crazy one.
I think deep down, I resented this program because I resent(ed) her so much - I think I thought it was the cause of their divorce -and the cause of all our problems as a family. She never once took the time to explain a single thing for us. She never once showed me in any way that this program did any good. She was/is a liar - a sneak - she can't talk about feelings - she's fake - she's 100 different people depending on who she's with - she steals - she's unethical - she's all work and no play - she's not balanced - she's a reactor and on and on and on. Everything I was - and am no longer. However... she was in the program for years and years. I think seeing is believing. And there wasn't and isn't anything to see.
I was so sick from living with her and my father. When I was finally at my own bottom and could listen and not just feel more clutter - I was like a sponge = this should have been my life all along but alanon failed us!! The world failed me! Why did I have to live with such crappy parents???? I was so resentful. I have had a terrible weekend with my mother trying to micromanage and back pedal and over rule my shame free parenting style. It superseded the tragedy with my daughter this morning and was the first thing on my mind.
But I needed to think it through. I let my mind meditate on it for a long while. I lay sick in the bed and felt a cold sweat. I knew this was going to sting whatever was coming... and finally the answers did come. It was a bad childhood. Scary and disrupted. Well - it wasn't really even a childhood. The roles were reversed in our house. I let that sting for a while. I cried over the loss of my youth. I had been trying to make excuses for them long enough. It HAD to be okay for just a moment to acknowledge that they were really bad at being parents... and even worse - that they could not grasp or truly hear this program in their soul. My Dad just didn't keep going after a few meetings, and my mom... even after years... clearly didn't get it.
And that is common isn't it. Most people just get more clutter. Very few people we sit next to actually get this in their soul. And it stung... that my parents... who I love... didn't get it. They are still my hero's you know? But to see them for what they really were... imperfect people who actually were not only NOT the best at something, but couldn't get it at all... that... allowed ME to... GROW UP - and stop just SAYING I'm being my own loving parent by positive self talk - but FEEL that it's okay to let them go and be my own loving parent and trust even further... that everything IS inside - and my HP WILL provide - and it was okay to let go and just love them for who they are. Stop the madness - and just let the sadness wash over me - and then... get out of bed... and move on.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Does it ever really stop? Fractured families, inappropriate boundaries, loving people who we really don't like or wouldn't choose to be around on a regular basis?
That's why we share to hear ourselves work it through. That's why we write, to put it out there for the fellowship to see and digest. 
Thanks for the replies.....it is difficult to go back into our upbringing. I often joke about being raised by wolves, but it is no joke. I'm the youngest of five and I had to grow up really fast or be crushed by the chaos in the house. Dad worked three jobs, Mom was limited in the emotional department, my oldest sibling was my 2nd and more reliable Mom, my oldest brother has been in and out of rehabs and jails, my second brother died in car crash alone, drinking after 10 years sobriety in 2003, my second sister has had a few mental breakdowns and still isn't all there---then there's me.