No - you should be writing here. I wrote here sober - then ready to drink again - the drunk - the sobering up - and then sober one day at a time for the past almost 16 months. I had to check what my distance is - because I've lost track a while ago now. It doesn't really matter does it.... today is what matters. I know my sobriety date is late March, and today I don't feel like drinking thanks to AA. Today I couldn't take a sip for one million dollars. Today I couldn't be bothered if a poured glass of beer set on the side table next to me. Today - I AM doing what I need to do to keep it that way - and you can too!
You CAN go to as many meetings - maybe more than one per day for 90 days. You CAN get help from another person in the program to take you through the steps - someone who can show you how they were shown to do it. You CAN reach out here daily and write here daily - and welcome others and make coffee at meetings and talk to people who are also just trying to make a friend they can trust. You CAN make an effort to figure out what the old timers do to stay sober - and then do it too. You really can. It's okay to let yourself stay sober now, today. You're not that unique or special or different from the rest of us at all... you just need to give yourself permission to make mistakes... stumble... do it badly... screw up... all those things we are terrified of TOGETHER> we ALL have the SAME thinking disease just like yours.
I am a piano teacher. Lately - I've noticed that the kids all have the same problem as me! They don't want to make any mistakes. They get frustrated and down on themselves. Lots of them just want to give up. Some of them use distraction, some of them giggle - some of them cry : ( So now... The first thing I announce every time we start, every lesson, is that we MUST make mistakes today. WE MUST! We HAVE TO make some mistakes and that's the ONLY rule there is for this lesson! They love it. So do I. Self talk in that way for me is important too. I MUST make mistakes today - that's the rule! I grew up with parents who punished - shamed - gave the dirty looks - shunned - just didn't care. So guess what I learned? I had to be perfect. If I couldn't be - I just didn't do it. I sense this is the issue for you too.
Please keep coming back.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 4th of July 2013 12:14:26 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"Sober Mercies"; I chose to read this book because of this one simple line..."Where do you turn for hope when you already have the answer--but the answer isn't working?
I am still in the grips of our disease and the insanity it holds hands with. Fully confess to being utterly defeated by a substanse I am powerless to. In and out of AA for several years now, so I am aware of our solution; I have all our literature on a bookshelf collecting dust for now; but it's true that AA is a real buzz killer. I tried AA, I tried Church. Am I really this stubborn, hard headed and strong willed? I pray all the time to have this obsession removed; I pray even when I don't know what to pray or feel undeserving to even have the odesity to be on my knees praying at all. I don't know how to explain this any better....I am ready (have been for quite some time), I am willing, but "able" I am not so much.
I have not had anything to drink today, so far. I did not have anything to drink yesterday.
I want to thank the men and women who actively share on here. I have been reading your posts, and appreciate the kindness and generosity you show to those of us still in the grips.
Hi GoJo, welcome. You say you're utterly defeated by a substance. What is that substance? You also say that you haven't had anything to drink yesterday or today, but are you substituting the word "drink" for something else? Not all additions are the same. AA was designed by alcoholics to recover from alcoholism - perhaps you need a different type of therapy to deal with a different type of addiction?
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
"Drink" is the substance, and thankfully nothing else. I'm an alcoholic, Q. You're right, not all addictions are the same and addictive personalities are subject to just about anything that brings comfort, relief, and possibly escapism. The alcoholic that I am keeps me pretty occupied just struggling to go from "active alcoholic" to "recovering alcoholic". I probably shouldn't even be writing anything here until I get some reasonable amount of distance from alcohol.
Am I that obvious? You sense correctly, that is me. You must be a very good piano teacher. By distance, I meant that I am trying to get through my current craving state, and screwed up thinking. Even though I don't want to drink today, who knows what I could talk myself into on this holiday day off work, where it is known for backyard bbq's, pool parties and alcohol. Right now, there is just no connection between my brain - heart - and mouth (keyboard). That's why I said I shouldn't be writing now. I'm reading though, and also trying to sweat out the rest of whatever alcohol is left in me.
For those alcoholics reading this that have been sober for awhile now, you're not missing a thing. It's still the nightmarish hell you left behind.
Welcome GoJo it's good to have you here questioning and partially defeated because I get to review my own journey in recovery by and from the newcomer. I get to review the changes I use to see other alcoholics have while I was doubtful and hopeless. I remember waking up one morning understanding the statement of Martin Luther King when he shouted "Free at last, Free at last...Thank God!!...I'm free at last" because that is exactly what I felt, what I thought, what I said and what I knew the morning I woke up fearless that I would never get it.
I learned a simple process sitting in the rooms of recovery...Duplication. "If I do what they do whether I believe it or like it or not...I will get what they have gotten". "If I continue to do what I've been doing...I won't ever". I learned simple stuff to do to overcome my ADD which use to confuse me and urge me to quit early. One of my recovering friends told me that he comiserated going to a family party because he just knew he would be met at the front door by someone handing him a bottle of his favorite beer. He worried about what to do a head of time and fretted for two weeks right up to walking to the front door and being handed the bottle of his favorite brew. His cousin said, "I knew just what you wanted" and Mike responded, "No thanks I've had enough". He just couldn't wait to tell me that and in telling me I have a simple response I've used a couple of times myself which is so simple it's like rocket science. It works!! Duplication.
I love the title of this post...Sober...Mercies. Being brought into sobriety for me is a mercy. That I resisted so hard for so long and then it was still there for me is a mercy by my HP's patience and tolerance. My HP is merciful. I have had miracles in recovery which were just for me because my HP knew...just knew I would need them. I wasn't stupid or dumb...I was fearful and resistant...God waited and when I needed God handed me another mercy. Many have been witnessed and then that's just so HP could maximize the event (LOL)...HP is effecient. Keep coming back...practice "No thanks I've had enough"...Imagine yourself saying that comfortably and outloud and confident.
Thanks for the spiritual thought...I'm in support.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 4th of July 2013 10:01:38 PM
I don't really have any answers for you GoJo, but I do know how you feel. I bounced in and out of AA as well. I remember doing a lot of praying at one point, but I went on to drink for another 20 years. It baffles me. AA didn't stick until I hit a hard bottom: homeless, penniless, no vehicle, no job, everyone angry. The illness finally beat me to such a pulp that I was ready for a solution. I sincerely hope your bottom isn't as hard as mine.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
I have never understood why some of us have to reach such a complete demoralization of character bottom as you did Q (I am very sorry you experienced that though), while others have just woken up one morning and said to themselves enough is enough I'm done. It baffles me too; this whole journey baffles me. Just knowing how I feel is enough, thanks for saying that. The answers are pretty much staring me in the face, literally. There was something I read on another thread here today (I think from Bob K) that bopped me over the head with truth. Then I came back to this thread and reread my initial post, I had a feeling there was something about that one line of the book "Where do you turn for hope when you already have the answer--but the answer isn't working?"
It is me that is not working the answer (solution). I am going to an AA meeting now, might be a little awkward because it will be held outside with bbq and potluck in celebration of the holiday, whatever, I'm going anyway because I have a desire not to drink.
Well I applaud you for going to a sober AA gathering. That's definitely a step in the right direction.
In retrospect, I know exactly why it took me so long - I wasn't ready for the full ramifications of Step One. I always thought I had my drinking under control - I would stop for a few days, or a week, or even a month, but I would eventually start up again. And I was living the life of Riley: cool pad, new car, great jobs, big paychecks, traveling around the world.
By the time I knew I had a problem, it was too late. I tried stopping altogether and couldn't. I tried an outpatient treatment program which failed miserably, and meanwhile my entire life was falling apart.
I HAD to go through all of those experiences in order to finally admit the truth that I was indeed powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.
If you don't get Step One, you can't begin to move on to the others.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Hi Gojo. One of the things AA has tried to do for "early stage" alcoholics is to raise the bottom to hit them. The idea is to study the stories and information in the book, starting right at the foreword to the first edition and, looking only for the similarities, compare it to your experience. Look at the truth based on your experience. For me, Bill W initially appeared quite different. He had been successful in business, lost it all, was middle aged, married, intelligent, drank gin. I was young, stupid, never achieved anything, and was unable to form any kind of relationship. But there were similariries too. The effect alcohol had on me was the same as on Bill, and I was physically wrecked and way underweight, same as Bill. I was skeptical about God, same as Bill, I had the DTs and if i read his story again I guarantee I could find many more similarities.
Next, for me, was dealing with the faint hope that I might not, after all, be alcoholic. It's a common delusion for the alcoholic. I did what the book suggested, with an open mind, after three weeks sober, I tried some controlled drinking. If I was a real alcoholic, sooner or later I would lose control right? So I set out to have a couple of beers and be home by 6. And I got him by 6 alright, just 4 days later. I was then convinced I had the allergy, the phenomenon of craving, and I know allergies can never be cured. I went back to AA convinced of the ABC.s.
Here another event happened that changed my life, and this may be relevant to you depending on the practice of your local group. Some groups, sadly, appear to have the practice of sidelining their newbies until they have some arbritrary length of sobriety under their belt. During that time they are more or less forced to be takers and not givers, they receive support and advice but are considerd too ill to help anyone else.
But when Ebby was explaining to Bill the rudimentary program, he stressed above all the importance of working with others as he had worked with Bill. In fact, later in the book the statement "we vigorously commenced this way of living, AS we cleaned up the past" clearly means we can and should be contributing to the welfare of others from day one. It is never too early to experience the thrill of a selfless act.
The life changing event for me I remember like it was yesterday. I obtained the use of a car to get to meetings. My sponsor immediately began finding people that needed a ride to a meeting and had me picking them up and taking them home. For the very first time in my life I felt truly useful. I could also sit and talk to newcomers, get them a coffee, help with the clean up. Another time I was given the job of writing the name tags for the guests at our national convention. A small thing but it really made me feel like I belonged.
So I hope you find something here you can use, whether it's a problem with step one, or whether you need to become a giver in AA rather than a taker I don't know.
This is a stubborn illness we have. You can't really afford to say "I tried AA" and "I tried church" as if you did those things in the past and they did not work. More likely, they worked for periods of time or reduced your drinking and then you stopped going. So the problem is not that AA and going to church and exercising and other healthy behaviors that complete with destructive drinking (all in combo) do not work. They do work, it's that you stop doing them. Also, at the root of it all, if you truly believe your are a helpless case or are a harder nut to crack than others, that is a self-fulfilling prophesy. You have everything in you needed to succeed in AA and start accumulating lengthier periods of sobriety.
It will just take a stronger surrender and following this program TOTALLY as suggested (daily meetings, sponsor, step work, service and don't slack at all). And don't give up this time or feel sorry for yourself. Failure is not an option. Just believe! If you adopt that attitude and do that - this will start working for you. I promise.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
If at first you don't succeed, surrender, surrender again.
The rest have said it, and I guess deep down you know it, but saying that it's too hard is just saying I want to hurt some more. It takes effort but it is worth it.
Yes it is, a stubborn illness. It is very hard trying to live the life of Riley. This thread is gold to those that get it, and realize what is going on here. It is 10:15 est, and I made it through another day sober. Thank you, y'all.
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Those days will add up if you work a program and whatever happens don't take that first drink.
The great thing about newbies is that their one day is as significant as all my days. I am doing it one day at a time, and you are doing it one day at a time. Welcome to the fellowship GoJo, you are a Miracle in Progress!! Some of us may have more sober time than you, but we all remember quite well what brought us here, and how we finally, after all the struggles of staying sober, can help others who are trying to stay sober also.....
When we help you, we help ourselves.
That's all I can do now, is just strive for one day at a time. I've tried in the past to set goals of never drinking again, didn't work. Tried making "deals" with God of just letting me have one last blow out binge, didn't work. Tried picking a sobriety date the numbers (month/day) would be easy to remember, didn't work. See, this is how my alcoholic saturated brain thinks. I read in another older thread where a question was posed "if you were stranded on a deserted island with nothing but a bottle of vodka, would you drink it"? Right now I would have to be honest and say, yes I would with the mindset/attitude that I could just start over again once it's gone. That's what scares me the most, that attitude. I have had so many "start overs" that I feel I'm running out of chances for another do-over.
What brought me to my knees this time is that I just simply miss living. I'm not enjoying just living, just being apart of a living society. That's really sad, you know.
Just knowing how I feel is enough, and allowing me to write posts here where I can purge out. Everyone here is wonderful, and like I said before this support and advice is gold for the struggling alcoholic trying their hardest to stay sober. I've been to a few speaker meetings lately, and between this forum and those meetings I am feeling hope returning. I am also in the hardest of the detox days so please raise me in prayer this weekend.
Wow GoJo, ... ... ... You just triggered a memory I'd forgotten about ... ... ... I can't tell you how many times I thought, I just got to stop drinking ... I'd go to a few meetings and stop for a month or two, then BAM, I thought, I'm going to have a few and what the heck, if I lose control, I can always go back to the meetings and start over, it was so available (both the alcohol and the meetings) ...
GoJo wrote:
Tried making "deals" with God of just letting me have one last blow out binge, didn't work.
Tried picking a sobriety date the numbers (month/day) would be easy to remember, didn't work.
See, this is how my alcoholic saturated brain thinks. I read in another older thread where a question was posed "if you were stranded on a deserted island with nothing but a bottle of vodka, would you drink it"? Right now I would have to be honest and say, yes I would with the mindset/attitude that I could just start over again once it's gone. That's what scares me the most, that attitude. I have had so many "start overs" that I feel I'm running out of chances for another do-over. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
AND, you also hit the nail on the head with, "I feel I'm running out of chances for another do-over" ... ... ... that was me too ... every time I 'detoxed' I got that much closer to not pulling through it ... my body was just simply getting to where it could not handle any more poison ...
Thanks for your comments!
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
A poison...that it is. The last few months, everytime I drank I felt like I was playing russian roulette with every swallow (but finished it off anyway). Also, several times while walking into the store to buy it I remember saying to myself "I don't want to do this" (but did it anyway. That's insanity, and I knew it was insanity even when I was drinking. It's hard to admit to myself to what Frodo said in his comment above...why would I want to hurt some more? I knew the AA program, I knew what was required, I've experienced numerous spiritual experiences with no explanation...and why would I still want to hurt some more when I would cry myself to sleep praying NOT to hurt anymore. That's crazy insanity.
I actually had a very nice, enjoyable day yesterday. No cravings, no negative physical side effects. Which is a miracle for this drunk alcoholic. I guess I was bracing for the worst as it's done in the past after this many days of not having alcohol. I don't dare take any of this for granted; it's just too precious to me.
Since the fog in my head is starting to clear out, I decided to take a look at my online banking account yesterday. I haven't really been paying too much attention to this matter the last few months. Everything is automatic, paychecks auto deposited, bills auto debited...so I wasn't really too worried, I was really more interested to see how much money I have spent on alcohol over the last year. I was shocked and disgusted to see that I have spent more on booze than I had on food. That's insanity. Then I guesstimated how much money I would have spent on booze since the last time I had something to drink, and then used that money to go buy a new comforter for my bed. I tossed out the old one, it just brings back too many negative drunken memories.
I really enjoy reading ALL that is written here. I can't be the only one that reads but doesn't always make comments, but most definitely getting a lot out of the posts. Thank you for helping the still suffering alcoholic.
