So I have been going to al-anon for a few weeks and I am a bit confused

deacon · Newbie

So I have been going to al-anon for a few weeks and I am a bit confused

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

It doesn't change their drinking problem. If someone told you changing your attitude will have an affect on their drinking one way or another, they misguided you about alanon. It's about turning your focus on and learning to be happy regardless. If you cannot tolerate their drinking at all, alanon offers some tools to draw boundaries and stick to them for your own sanity. It will provide you with some self-confident and spiritual well being to know you will be okay no matter what they do. Your whole world does not need to rest on whether or not they drink. That's more of the idea behind alanon. It won't necessarily save your marriage or your relationship with your son but it CAN save your sanity and preserve your serenity.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Well said PC ...

odat · Senior Member

Good morning. I'm not sure if you're an alcoholic because you didn't say. I'm an alcoholic who was in dire need also of Alanon. I'm a double winner. But it wasn't until I did the work in AAs Big Book that I could later on make use of Alanon. In step 12 Big Book there are Solutions for the family and practicing the AA principles in all our affairs. It is a process. It is NOT an overnight matter. Be good to yourself The whole problems is what we want and expect from others. I had to put my eyes on my own paper.

Fyne Spirit · MIP Old Timer

I think PC and Odat covered it pretty well although I remember and alcoholic sharing his story and sharing that when his wife went to Alanon, his life changed. The meaning was, I think, that she stopped enabling him and he found himself one step closer to recognising his problem. Possibly she would not have been aware of that at the time, but sometimes it's a long game overcoming the alcoholic denial.

If you have a Big Book, have a read of chapters 7 and eight. Then, if you are aquainted with any recovered alcoholics that know this part of the book, have a discussion with them about the ideas it contains. Perhaps you can come up with a longer term plan.

God bless,
MikeH.

Pablomoses · Senior Member

My spouse did not go to Al-Anon. I went to Al-Anon for a while, it wasn't my program. I'm AA all the way and have been for a while. I do have many Al-Anon family and friends. I do believe it helps them overcome their wrongly accepted responsibility or role in the alcoholics life. Al-Anon works, so does Al-Ateen for many individuals. They are powerless over the alcoholics decision to drink. They get brought back to sanity. Saving marriages and relationships are a mystery to me. Some marriages make it through sobriety, some don't. Some relationships survive sobriety, some don't.
Take care of yourself, the alcohol will take care of the alcoholic. It will lead them to a bottom, where they can recover from or not.
These are harsh and fearless programs because the consequences are so severe.
If I take a first drink it will lead to depravity, insanity and possible death.

deacon · Newbie

I am wondering what steps you mean that I can set boundaries . Their drinking is ruining my life. My husband only drinks when I am not here, he hides it here and there in his garage. My son is so good at denying that he has been drinking, so indignant when I tell him I saw the bottle, that he almost makes me believe that I am the person who is seeing things. When I confront hubby he says that he has only had a beer but he is slurring his words and brooding. I cant live like this anymore. I love both of them but I hate drinking because hubby cannot stop with one when he starts.

What boundaries can I set aside from leaving him. I know that, if I do, then he will start to drink heavily because really I am the only one holding him back. I just hate all of this so much.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Maybe leaving him is the most loving thing to do. He has a disease that requires a spiritual solution. A sufficient bottom needs to be reached for him to seek it out - and you can't seek it out for him any more than you can cure him of cancer if that were his ailment. You are powerless. Live your life for you, not him. You've suffered as a result of this disease because you have 'caught' the mental obsession that it creates.

As a person who lived with an alcoholic for 17 years with no choice in the matter - I can tell you, it's going to take a long long time for you to figure out who you are again now that you've lost yourself... but there is a solution to finding you again - and it's in the steps.

All the best to you xxxx

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

deacon wrote:
I am wondering what steps you mean that I can set boundaries . Their drinking is ruining my life. My husband only drinks when I am not here, he hides it here and there in his garage. My son is so good at denying that he has been drinking, so indignant when I tell him I saw the bottle, that he almost makes me believe that I am the person who is seeing things. When I confront hubby he says that he has only had a beer but he is slurring his words and brooding. I cant live like this anymore. I love both of them but I hate drinking because hubby cannot stop with one when he starts.
What boundaries can I set aside from leaving him. I know that, if I do, then he will start to drink heavily because really I am the only one holding him back. I just hate all of this so much.

You have some very important questions. And the answers that will best serve you and your family may be best gotten from the Al-Anon folks, people just like you with experiences exactly like yours.

They can be found at the other forum on this site:

Al-Anon Family Group Message Board

http://alanon.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727

Best of luck to you.