AA forums go a long way for folks that don't care for public speaking. I feel like I can take my time here, and articulate myself much better than in live meetings. I would never skip going to meetings in my town, but every time I do say something, I feel like suddenly the spotlight is on me and a hundred cameras are rolling, lol. And when I'm done I always get the general impression that I've said something stupid and clumsy.
-- Edited by Q on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 10:16:52 AM
__________________
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Kathy here... 11 months June 30th. I am sober. I feel relatively good. Some looming sadness. I just keep heaping pressure on my self to be MS. AA Totally not my personality. I work two jobs, sometimes three. Now I have nothing to do because its summer. I'm off. I am afraid of people, to get involved. I do not talk to anyone still and no one talks to me. I left the meeting I was at this morning in a hurry thinking I am tired of trying to be so social. Even my sponsor did not say hi to me. She was to busy talking to other people. She probably did not even notice I left. Whatever. I am tired of trying. Just like growing up maybe I am meant to just sit and be by myself. Ug
Hey Kathy, ... great to hear from you ...
1st of all, congrats on 11 months, that's really quite some feat ... if you're practicing the program the right way, you shouldn't be experiencing 'sadness' at all, but rather, a great sense of peace and tranquility ...
AA'rs consist of every conceivable personality there is ... so you are not unique in this area ... we are all just 'another Bozo on the bus' for instance ... SO, paint your face up and enjoy the ride ... quit leaving the meetings in a hurry and stick around ... you need to try to give others a fighting chance to get to know you ...
God never intended us to be alone ... NOT EVEN FROM THE BEGINNING!!! ... ... ... you cannot wait for others to beat the door down to try and make friends with you, YOU must take action to be more friendly and out-going ... it requires some action on your part ... or you can sit at home and see if that changes things ... sorry, but I'm just sayin' ... ... ... ... ... (is that truly what you want?) ... give it some thought ...
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 11:11:56 AM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Kathy here... 11 months June 30th. I am sober. I feel relatively good. Some looming sadness. I just keep heaping pressure on my self to be MS. AA Totally not my personality. I work two jobs, sometimes three. Now I have nothing to do because its summer. I'm off. I am afraid of people, to get involved. I do not talk to anyone still and no one talks to me. I left the meeting I was at this morning in a hurry thinking I am tired of trying to be so social. Even my sponsor did not say hi to me. She was to busy talking to other people. She probably did not even notice I left. Whatever. I am tired of trying. Just like growing up maybe I am meant to just sit and be by myself. Ug
Hey Kathy. You're not alone - lots of people feel uncomfortable in social situations, particularly in early sobriety. My wife is not gregarious in the least - bordering on agoraphobia really, and she isn't even an alcoholic. You don't have to be a social maven to get this program, although I do find it odd that nobody talked to you at a meeting.
The part of your post that actually concerns me is the "looming sadness" part. Are you working through the steps? Are you reading the Big Book and 12&12? Is your sponsor helping you work through the steps? These are the important questions. You didn't get sober to feel sad, and neither did I. Working the steps is what restores you to emotional well-being - putting down the bottle is only the beginning of a journey that eventually leads to a fair measure of joy and serenity.
__________________
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
I have been really busy with my 2 jobs until this week. I have free time now and my sponsor and I are scheduled to get together to work on step 4 this Thursday. We read thru half of it. I started writing some things down. I am not afraid to do it I think, but I do seem to be putting it off. Yesterday was a meeting on step four and it seemed to jump start my enthusiasm but again I am typing here, doing other things and not my 4th step. Anyway, my sponsor wants me to go to more meetings, get a coffee commitment and other stuff. She is extremely sociable. Sometimes it is intimidating. A constant reminder of what I am not. I have given some thought to today's daily reflection. Perhaps I should just love who I am. Quiet, reserved, me.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet and reserved! This program isn't about changing your innate personality. It's about removing the crud that keeps you from being your true self. Step Four is the beginning of the process of personal housecleaning, and it prepares you for the spiritual release that you'll experience in Steps 5-7. That will go a long way to restoring your happiness.
A bit of advice about Step 4: this step is between you and your Higher Power. Don't think about who you're going to share it with in Step 5, or you'll start censoring yourself. Also. it's OK to take some time doing this step - it took me 6 weeks. In fact, it's preferable, because you want to be thorough, and you can't possibly think of everything all at once. Simply write things down as they come to you, and don't stress about deadlines. The important thing is thoroughness. Ask God, or however you see your Higher Power, to help you along the way. Things will be revealed to you - defects of character that you may not have thought about.
It's important to do a complete and fearless biopsy of your psyche in this step - you want to take a good look at the crud that has to be removed.
__________________
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Hey, mich! Good to hear from you! I can very much relate to this post. I tend towards being pretty reserved and quiet myself. Some people admire this, some people do not, others assume that I am being snobby. I thought this a character defect , and spend a lot of time and energy beating myself up about it. It's difficult in AA, where there's much focus on sharing in a public forum and putting yourself out there. I simply do not feel the need to speak on something unless I have something to say hahaha. It puts a lot of more outgoing people off. I have a tough time making small talk with others I do not know, including at meetings. I know exactly how you feel- it can be very lonely and isolating. I do not feel as though this is necessarily always a character defect, I think it may be simply my nature. In terms of step 4... Procrastination is a common way to approach it lol. I know I would sit down to write and suddenly have an overwhelming urge to organize my sock drawer or something. All of a sudden, dozens of things around my apartment simply couldn't wait another second to be dealt with. I must say, after dragging the process out for months , I felt I learned more about myself in those months than in the 36 years I'd spent on the planet prior. Keep going at it- it's a very painful but healing process- in my experience:)
Ha lol.... I may need to hit my sock draw today. Just kidding. Thank you for your kind words. I like to think that being who I am is ok. I pretty much grew up thinking everything I said and did was wrong. Still do. The liar in my head tells me so and I fall for it every time. Since being sober I am indeed learning to change that pattern and sometimes, just sometimes right now I kinda like me. It is difficult. I know I am not a bad person. I just constantly beat myself up for not being or doing enough. It is good to hear that other quiet people have the same feelings. Thanks! :)
Anyway, my sponsor wants me to go to more meetings, get a coffee commitment and other stuff. She is extremely sociable. Sometimes it is intimidating. A constant reminder of what I am not. I have given some thought to today's daily reflection. Perhaps I should just love who I am. Quiet, reserved, me.
Sometimes other people aremore sociable in AA (and elsewhere). Sometimes people are more shy . . . reserved . . . quiet. Either end of the sociability continuum can get sober. Just don't drift away from the group/meetings.
I get what your saying Pappy, but it is more like Tanin said. I feel clumsy. I suppose this is part of the process. Becoming comfortable with myself so I can be comfortable with others. On a happier note. Ha no pun intended. I found a great place to practice my saxophone 5 minutes from my house. I can go as much as I want and its free. So I just got back after 2 hours of glorious hard work. Yes!!!!
I remember watching your recital, or whatever it's called, with the sax ... I think that was for your 'Masters'?, if I remember correctly? ... ... ... you're very good ... is one of your jobs playing the sax? ... that would be so cool ...
Hard to be a loner when you are constantly in front of a crowd, huh?
How is life at home ? ... I can't remember if you said your partner drank or not? ... it's been a while, and I'm glad you're back on the board ...
Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes. I teach music and play the saxophone for a living. It is pretty cool. I love it. Being in front of a crowd can be exhilarating and terrifying. Somehow that part of being social I like. I can schmooze with the best of them. However, after hours of connecting and feeling apart of the crowd I can still feel all alone. What's that about...
Life at home is good. My partner Nicole is wonderfully supportive. She never drinks. Alcoholism runs in her family though. She has said she is afraid to drink. Why start something she may not be able to control. I have seen her have a few sips of wine since I met her. Simply, she does not drink. Her brother was in AA for a bit. He had what seemed to be a big drinking problem. Now he claims he was going thru a destructive time and is socially drinking. Nicole is worried. I told her there is little anyone can do if he is convince he does not have a problem.
Alone in a crowd - that's a very common experience among alcoholics. I always felt like nobody really understood me, or wanted to, and I could never really relate to anyone. It's a feeling I had going back to childhood, being raised in an alcoholic home. The 12 Steps have taken me a long way to feeling like I'm a part of humanity after all.
__________________
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
Kathy, I've heard some folks say it took them 5 years to even look someone in the eye...to share in meetings...etc. The feedback you are getting from others is right on and you are right on track too. Let it unfold and don't get too discouraged. It may be you are more of an introvert by nature but over time in the program it won't be a painful thing or something that bothers you. You will find your groove and just be okay with who your are.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Feeling alone in the crowd huh? ... ... ... Well, hopefully, as you work the program, that feeling will change ... as you grow more God conscious, you will come to feel the presence of God all around you, all day long ... God will suddenly begin to come to you through all sorts of people ... you will begin to feel comforted in knowing He is with you ...
Working on the 4th step eh? ... All I can say is to be 'totally honest' and very, very 'thorough' ... ... ... you'll do just fine ... just don't draw it out over weeks and months ... write it down, get with your choice of whom you wish to go over it with and be done with it ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
