I think most of us have an idea of what to expect when we take certain actions throughout any given day ... I, for one, have become accustomed to practicing the principles of AA in pretty much every area of my life ... over time, great changes have occurred in my life that are so good, I couldn't have imaged life so good before ... Typically, when things don't go my way, I have learned to accept this and, if necessary, I pray about it, and go on my way satisfied that this is how things are supposed to be ...
However, occasionally, I fall into he trap that I begin to think, 'Lord I've been good, why is this happening to me?' ... I don't 'deserve this!!! ... ... ... So ... I have to look at the 'post signature' I have chosen(at bottom of page), and consider if I have really been leading my life in a way that I deserve more than I already have ... ... ... After careful consideration, the answer comes back, no ... ... ... If I truly had received what I deserve in life, I'd be 'pushing up daisies' right about now ... ... ...
I have been blessed beyond measure ... My sober life is filled with love of family now, which is reciprocated, and to add the 'icing on the cake', I have so many new friends that I love being with and talking to here and locally, that I am hard pressed to find anything more that I could ask for ... ... ... Sure, I have a 38 yo son with 'Prader Willy' syndrome, and a 32 yo son who is paralyzed from the neck down, and both require a tremendous amount of care and attention ... but their needs have been met and mostly, they are 'well off' considering the alternative ... ... ...
I guess where I'm having some trouble, is where, every time there is a new twist in the situation with either of our sons, my wife feels she is 'undeserving' for the problems life is throwing her way ... she is hard working, over-protective, and denies herself things in order to see that our sons AND me have all that we need ... If there were ever a person who deserves the best life has to offer, it's her ... I've tried my best to get the "Peace and Serenity" that I have found in AA, to rub off on her ... ... ... But what aggravates me, is how she'll share to others, just how she doesn't deserve what she has to go through, AND how she mentions how God is responsible for this ...
She is in dire need of making a 'gratitude list' when these situations come up, it irritates me to no end ... Thank God, I am sober ... she's mentioned her gratitude for this many times, cause she's also said that life with me had come to a 'getting off' point, that it was literally killing her to see me killing myself ...
So when I think of these things, I have to remind myself of how it was ... at least now, I'm in a position to help out rather than be a burden ... as far as what it is I deserve? ... I think I am far more blessed today than I have ever been in my entire life ... material things carry very little importance for me now ... I am blessed with personal caring relationships that give me more in return than I can ever hope to give ... and there is nothing I could be doing to deserve such a reward ... Thank you Heavenly Father!
Love you guys and God Bless,
Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Sunday 30th of June 2013 06:02:23 AM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for sharing this Pappy. My wife also gets spiritually sick although she is in Alanon. These are the times when I have to use my bible and remind myself of 1corinthians13. "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
I am married for 31 years of which 6 years was drinking time. My wife came with her own problems with an alcoholic father. I came into recovery 25 years ago and she followed after 3 years. Talk about Alanon being a support group for the alcoholic. However she came into recovery for herself.
When my wife gets spiritually sick, I pray for her. It's one of the challenges to my spiritual life. Previously I would also become spiritually sick. In the good book God asks the wife to submit to her husband. I think she got away lightly. God calls me to love my wife. Now there's a challenge. My children were called to obey and I tell them they have a choice to disobey.
I was blessed with many things while I was drinking: good jobs, a nice apartment, friends, girlfriends...But I threw it all away on booze. After I got sober, I regained a lot of blessings: a great job, a nice house, friends, a wonderful wife. In my experience, the difference is not in the material aspect of things, but the spiritual. I now appreciate my blessings.
On the other side of the coin, I also suffered turmoil when I drank, especially toward the end. I still suffer turmoil, but at least it has meaning now.
The program of AA certainly restored my physical blessings, but more importantly, it gave me the tools to cope with the stormy sailing. And the stormy sailing doesn't seem to be any different now than when I was drinking - sometimes it seems much worse.
The BB talks about serenity in the face of calamity. In other words, we're not guaranteed smooth sailing, but we are assured that we will have the spiritual know-how to deal with the adversity that nobody is immune to.
-- Edited by Q on Sunday 30th of June 2013 05:08:24 PM
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
A little while back I was struggling with something similar. I felt like I had discovered this amazing new way of living and I could see that my husband would be so much happier if he could share in this way of thinking and living. I try to share the ideas of one day at a time, gratitude, etc. I was falling into the trap of trying to control how he reacts to things and deals with things. The good old serenity prayer helps me in this situation. Accept the things I cannot change. I can only control how I react to and deal with a situation.
Thank you all! It applies to the singles as well in that there are those closest to us that can 'aggravate' us in this way! What I remind myself of is that love cannot always do for one person what it does for another. In other words we want them to know this spiritual relationship. Understand why we feel God has blessed us, ect. because we love them so much. However, that's when for me at least I also have to remind myself WHO is in charge, then I can 'let go' and allow HIM the room to bless my loved ones how and when HE sees fit.
"The refusal to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering in human life. It works this way- if we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give." Oswald Chambers.
Thanks for this thread Pappy. It lead to so much discussion today, even at our group meeting.
I just reread my post above and I guess what I'm trying to say, or ask, is whether 'alcoholic' or not ... How do we deal with the situation of working for something, so hard, and it doesn't come, or happen ... or worse, things go wrong and it doesn't get better as in my wife's case (with our sons)... like when you know you've been good, but feel continually tested more and more, seemingly without relief ...
How do we determine what we deserve ... do we expect equal blessings for equal sacrifice? ... ... and is any of us 'righteous' enough to judge how much we should get? ... I still think Gonee's post is the best answer to this dilemma ... for if we truly know 'love', what we think we deserve will never become an issue to start with ... we learn to accept what we have and are content with that ... huh, I think I just answered my own question ...
Personally, I still feel that "I'm better than I deserve."
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You know how we are called 'my alcoholic'? Well I call my husband 'my alanon' no matter if he's active or not... he's an alanon hehe.
If you don't feel like going to an alanon meeting - pick up some literature like courage to change or hope for today, and do a page out of each with your morning readings. I usually find they speak to me louder than my AA readings... since I'm in a relationship with another person who has a unique set of issues just like me. It helps me to understand how to love myself and love him when it can seem overwhelming at times.
I attend alanon about once per month... sometimes more depending, and it gives me a very unique perspective into just how painful this disease is - my amends are different because of my dually blessed recovery program. I started going because my Dad is still active... but now I find I don't fall off my chair as often over him as I do when my husband is spiritually sick. I hit up alanon... and somehow it works... but of course.... just like AA - it takes a bit of time to really become willing and teachable and open minded to everything you're going to hear.
All the best : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I agree, Tasha: Al-Anon does make a lot of since. It may just be the breakthrough your looking for, Roger, if not more. Take my wife for example: She is kind of like yours in some ways, ungrateful at times, angry at other times. She may even throw a temper tantrum just to get her point across, but only on occasion. Don't get me wrong: She's a great person, but all great people have a way about them. They may sound empathetic but deep down inside she hated who I became. She had to apologize numerous times for my behaviors and I guess that animosity stuck to her like a bad hair day. That was until she found Al-Anon. Our local chapter helped her enormously and now she nags me just to pass the time, or to get me going. I guess I'm deserving, though. Especially after my numerous escapades. Now it's our time, together, and for that I'm always grateful. I hope you work things out, Roger. I really do. Onward...
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 1st of July 2013 01:51:10 AM
AA is my religion. I observe the life of Jesus Christ because it gives me further help to see what he said and did and why. I can see where religious people are right.
But the God I found by doing the Big Book is not a bargaining God. He is Truth (a much different Truth than I could have ever figured out Truth to be). He is compassion. He doesn't punish. my old pantheistic viewpoint of God is gone.
my lattER steps sponsor always says in meetings: "I know how hard you guys are trying to be "GOOD"!!!!" But that's not it either.
How can I have more than I deserve? It's just not possible. If im living by AA principles and did the work as outlined with a very experienced sponsor then I'm feeling (yes! On the INSIDE) just as peaceful and trusting as I'm giving it.
i hear a lot of judging yourself, both you and your wife But especially on her part. And guilt. I identify which is why I get help in Alanon too. As part of AA Step 11, every day I read 4 daily meditation books. They're not my full solution, they're part of my step 11 work. Did you happen to read Hope For Today yesterday?
last night I was at a Big Book Step St mtg of Alanon. Where I live even Alanons are doing that work now.
there are many people doing something like it with the BB - it's just not the same.
i say this not to be "better" than anyone, but to say what is already k own anyway in our hearts. Not everyone needs it I guess but I did and thank God it is available.
As for others' recovery I can't make them do anything in their own program I can only give myself the best I know is available to me.
over time we can take on a religious viewpoint of God still looking for a solution and I'm careful with that. there's a reason church didn't make me recover. Doing the process the way it's laid out with the deep, deep wisdom of the BBSSers is soooo different And just what I needed. I am so grateful to be an alcoholic As part of my human problem.
I believe you have a pure heart.
May God bless you and keep you until we next meet.
The short answer to this: HP knows exactly what we need.
Pythonpappy wrote:
I just reread my post above and I guess what I'm trying to say, or ask, is whether 'alcoholic' or not ... How do we deal with the situation of working for something, so hard, and it doesn't come, or happen ... or worse, things go wrong and it doesn't get better as in my wife's case (with our sons)... like when you know you've been good, but feel continually tested more and more, seemingly without relief ...
How do we determine what we deserve ... do we expect equal blessings for equal sacrifice? ... ... and is any of us 'righteous' enough to judge how much we should get? ... I still think Gonee's post is the best answer to this dilemma ... for if we truly know 'love', what we think we deserve will never become an issue to start with ... we learn to accept what we have and are content with that ... huh, I think I just answered my own question ...
Personally, I still feel that "I'm better than I deserve."
Wow, what a great variety of views ... thanks Q, Tasha, Mr. David, and odat ... ... ...
Al-anon hasn't really been in the picture ... my wife went a couple times, found them interesting, but was unable to work them in, between travel and caring for the kids ... Me going to meetings is 'life or death' for me, but she doesn't view that situation for her and Al-anon meetings ... Al-anon may very well provide her with a program for to reach the level of 'Peace and Serenity' we enjoy, but she doesn't see it as a priority ... I know, ... she's missing out on the probability of growing spiritually, which would probably solve most of her issues ...
Like you guys, I just want what is best for her, ... and the spirituality that I enjoy so much, I wish she could enjoy too ... I have accepted, it is what it is, and I go on ... ... ...
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Wow, what a great variety of views ... thanks Q, Tasha, Mr. David, and odat ... ... ...
Al-anon hasn't really been in the picture ... my wife went a couple times, found them interesting, but was unable to work them in, between travel and caring for the kids ... Me going to meetings is 'life or death' for me, but she doesn't view that situation for her and Al-anon meetings ... Al-anon may very well provide her with a program for to reach the level of 'Peace and Serenity' we enjoy, but she doesn't see it as a priority ... I know, ... she's missing out on the probability of growing spiritually, which would probably solve most of her issues ...
Like you guys, I just want what is best for her, ... and the spirituality that I enjoy so much, I wish she could enjoy too ... I have accepted, it is what it is, and I go on ... ... ...
For Gonee:
I depend on OC every single day. There's a daily meditation book of his I live by.
Like anything that's not in the BB, I use my discernment and I balance it out with the gentle loving God I found in the BB but as a worker for God I need the tough principles too.
I am willing.
