Hey friend...how long have you been sober? Are you actively working the steps? Is your spouse a member of Al-Anon?
__________________
The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
I don't know your past drinking history, but I can try to give you an idea of my experience ...
1st of all, you're dealing with another human being and there is no way to predict how or when or IF you'll ever regain their trust ... ... ... I learned that with my relationship with my wife ... my sponsor helped me understand that I could not allow anything to stand in the way of my recovery, that I needed to pray to God, that He would take our relationship and let it become what He wished it to be ... (I prayed a lot just this way for the 1st year) ...
My wife, by this time, had taken over all financial responsibility for our family ... before getting sober, I had failed on numerous obligations ... there wasn't an ounce of trust left, and for good reason ... you see?, I had been trying for years, to control my drinking ... a few times, I got sober for a few months and then relapsed and began drinking even harder ... making the situation even worse every time ...
This time, when I hit the 1 year mark, my wife thought maybe, just maybe, I was going to make it ... it was the longest time sober I'd ever had, since starting to drink heavily many years earlier ... so, our relationship improved ... I continued to pray and go to meetings and work the program ... (I went to roughly 700 meetings in 700 days ... I was that sick) ... I guess it was sometime during the second year that it was plainly visible, that wife had stopped expecting to come home from work and find me drunk on the couch ... from there our relationship really, really improved ... her love and trust in me gained strength daily and her fear of me drinking again had slowly faded away ... (today, if she notices me missing a meeting during a week's time, she definitely lets me know I need to get to one ... LOL) ... today, I have 5 1/2 years sober ... in three weeks, we celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary ...
I will always be grateful to God and AA and for web sites like this one for saving my life ...
Love ya, ... never stop working the program ... and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
HJF...we have alot of leverage from the program only one being "we will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. Another is from the definition of alcoholism by the AMA; the part refering to the affect it has on spouses, family, friends and associates which reads, "We are also affected as the alcoholic only worse in that we have not had the anesthesia of alcohol (in part it is anesthetic) to block out reality; therefore we go thru the problem wide aware (while the alcoholic is in a blackout, asleep, coma, just plain not available to the situation). My present wife of 20+ years never saw me drink or get drunk or get alcoholically crazy. We met while both of us were in recovery; I am a double and we met in Al-Anon. Her prior marriage was to a non-recovering alcoholic and her family comes from the disease too. She said to me before we got married "If you ever pick up another drink...I'm gone". For me that was an added plus because both of us were pulling for my sobriety and serenity. You might want to clarify your expectations and value systems. I did that and when I accepted the truth of my drinking career my expectations of others who were affected by it got very wide. I became more tolerant of their fears and reactions and was able to practice compassion and empathy for them. I also grew in gratitude for while many of them preferred to be at times beyond my reach they were still supportive. My value system was defined as being "fair, honest and just" and I started to live within sober spirituality. I let people go from my control and manipulation and started living that philosophy from recovery that says "you cannot get what you won't give away". I was also married to an alcoholic/addict and had numerous reactions to her behaviors just as she had from mine. She just would not do what I wanted her to do and my sponsorship taught me and supported me in not "expect4ing from others what it was that they were incapable of fulfilling". That was rocket science recovery and I'm glad to have been led thru it.
Keep working your recovery for your self and keeping your eyes on your own program without defense or explanation. Pat her on the backside as she heads out the door to an Al-Anon meeting and keep praying "Thank you HP (of your choice)". Keep coming back for support.
All I know is that we need to keep working "our" program and continue to recover and grow.
Have you completed the steps? Made Amends as suggested in the book?
Read through chapter 6 and the section regarding steps 8-9. "There is a long period of reconstuction ahead". We will recontruct if we work on the reconstruction.
There is nothing in the 12 promises that states your wife will ever be happy or trust you again. But as the promises come true as the result of the steps we will be alright with whatever the results may be.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
About the time I started trusting myself and trusting in a HP my husband starting trusting me. I guess it was around the time when I stopped asking for trust - trying to prove myself - expecting it - focusing on it... and was living a life that allowed people to trust me through repeated trustworthy actions. Not just with the drinking - but with everything. If I said I was going to be somewhere, I was there. If I told you I'd do something... I'd do it! That was new behavior for me.
Then as I started thinking of myself as a trustworthy person - a really cool thing happened! I knew I was trustworthy. I knew I didn't need to drink anymore. And what they thought didn't matter as much! Even my husband! I wasn't doing it to prove anything anymore - I was just doing it because I was living a new life for me. Also - if people decided to continue to not trust me, I just didn't go there. I wasn't going to allow people to treat me like crap anymore, because I had gained self respect. It became a non-issue as I grew in the program, so just keep coming back and doing this for YOU!
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thanks for all your support. I'm 8 months sober. Still on step 7. Going to start step 8 with my sponser. I currently live out of the house cause we needed that time apart. Yes I do have a HP whom I call God! When you are emotionally involved with someone you love dearly it's hard to let go and let God or detach from them. It seems I want what I want now! Instead it's on Gods time and (Things I Must Earn)time. I did cause quite a bit of wreckage. Patience and tolerance are foreign concepts to me. I pray to God everyday for the strength to have more patience, love & tolerance. Yes I know there are no garrentees and if I stayed sober today it was a good day. I wish I could chop my head off sometimes because that's the problem since the obsession to drink was removed. I know things could be worse. My severe emotional twists cause me to have higher expectations from those closest to me which isn't correct thinking. I always look to my heart before taking it to my head now that I realize God is in the pause and with him all things are possible. Thanks for sharing I needed to hear it.
