A friend of mine in the program said this to me recenty as I was carrying on about how imperfect I am, and my plans to change this. Im not always aware of my habit of doing this- I need it to be pointed out. I understand the theory of 'progress not perfection', and it sounds great.. In theory. I tend to hold myself to unrealistic standards, and have expectations of myself that are very high, and also not at all fair. As an example, and I'm using this in relation to a recent post of mine, I am pathologically critical of my physical appearance. Lots of people are, but it's extreme to the point of being debilitating often for me. My thoughts tend towards 'if I can't be perfect, why bother?'. It's very black and white- I'm perfect or I'm a failure. In college I spent four years terrified of anything less than an A.. Or an 'A' with additional comments about how brilliant the work was. I'm serious! If I got an 'A' it wasn't good enough if additional comments from the teacher werent included! I remember taking algebra (the bane of my existence) having dropped out of highschool without completing the 9th grade with no idea what the heck was going on in this class. I would have breakdowns trying to figure this stuff out, convinced I was the dumbest person on the planet because I was getting 'C's. The fact that I had a 4.0 gpa prior to this class didn't matter a bit. In my mind I was a complete and utter failure. When I look in the mirror, all I see is what's 'wrong', or what I need to fix. I use these examples because theyre easy to relate to, but this had been my general approach to life. It's a fully self- defeating and destructive mentality. I'm definetly working on focusing on the good and any progress I've made, or am making without my crazy head letting these things be overshadowed by my need for perfection. Realistically, I'm not ever going to achieve this imagined perfection, so I'm trying to just relax and accept the good. I didn't understand how difficult of a task this would be for me. I never really considered myself to be a perfectionist. I am beginning to see that if i was faced with a goal or task that could end in failure I simply didn't bother trying. Strange to have the clarity to finally see the truth about myself- self awareness is great progress towards not being perfect haha. I also see that I've made several grammatical errors in this post, and there's a few typos... But I'm just gonna leave it as is:)
-- Edited by Col on Monday 17th of June 2013 10:14:36 AM
grammatical errors are a fun way to break the rules and not really harm anything : ) I was so over the top perfection in this department that now, it's actually fun to bend it and play with it...
I never really considered that my perfectionism meant that I had an enormous ego. The idea that I'm better - I know what's best for me and for everyone is really quite conceited and self centered. But I didn't grasp that for months and months. Now I get to understand that this world is in my HP's hands... his creation... that saying "God doesn't make junk" is starting to sink in a little, and the whole idea that "I'm right" gets flushed away slowly. I think the biggest part of taking my will back is in this way.
I do have a knack for putting an outfit together, I'm excellent and decorating and making things calm and peaceful and organized... but at the same time, there are people a 1000 times better at it - and I don't know best ultimately - ever. Perfectionism for me in a nutshell is "I know better". When I say it to myself like that - I back off because the appeal disappears really quickly. If I don't see it for what it is, it can almost seem like an asset to me! It's just like with this whole addiction thing. As soon as I can get myself to believe my own lies... I know I'm in trouble... because the only way my disease can live is if it gets me to believe lies. So the second lies start coming out of my mouth, no matter how big, small or irrelevant... I know my disease is getting ready to pounce me - all the while, doing push ups just waiting for me to open the door a crack to get in.
Perfectionism falls into the realm of me believing my own lies - and just like if I start believing it would ever be okay for me to drink again, nothing but suffering can follow as the disease takes me down. It's all related for me. Excellent post - lots to think about Col : ) Glad to hear from you!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Another spiritual awareness,,being able to look inside to the exact nature of whats going on with US...Thanx Col...and oh yeah Algebra 2x ,once in summer school and once during 9th grade (right before I quit) .....still didn't get it...Wonder if being caught in the grip had anything to do with it!!!Thanx for the help today ,I 'll make every effort to pay it forward in my own little way with my HP'S guidance and grace.........
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I struggle with perfectionism as well. I often feel that no matter how much I've accomplished, it's never enough.
Steps 10 and 11 are a tremendous help, though. I take some time at the end of each day to write out the things I did well, and the things I need to improve. Then I offer a prayer of gratitude for my many blessings, and ask God for help with my shortcomings. That tends to calm my critical spirit.
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The sway of alcohol over mankind is unquestionably due to its power to stimulate the mystical faculties of human nature, usually crushed to earth by the cold facts and dry criticisms of the sober hour. ---William James
I think a lot of us have struggled with perfectionism, it really sucks when it keeps people from attempting things because they feel they can't do it perfectly.
I have seen it take people out of recovery who couldn't do AA or the steps perfectly. Divorce is higher among religous fundamentalists, the theory being that things fall apart as they can't maintain the perfect standards they have set for themselves.
I read a book from a business leader who wrote about being sensible about our efforts, ie if we can do something 95% perfect in 1 hour, is it really worth spending another hour to get the final 5%? I need to look at the cost/benefit of my actions and try not to get my ego tied up into everything. Perfectionism can keep us on the sidelines or can be by us as a distraction that keeps us from moving on to something else.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I need to be perfect or not at all. I means I'm either obsessed in my pursuits or I drop them rather than fail at them.
Balance. Balance in life is key. I'm working on it, and slowly getting there, but it's good to be reminded of where I tend to drift to without the work.
Near enough is good enough I've heard said.
Just so long as near enough is the best I can do within the constraints of time cost and quality.
It's good enough for rock and roll.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
My perfectionism is a reflection of my fear...fear of not being good enough, fear of not pleasing others, fear of my own flaws, fear of looking stupid, fear, fear, fear. It would stop me dead in my tracks and I would stay stuck instead of making an attempt. I have to work at this with courage and gentleness. I need God's strength and I need to be tender with my self at the same time. Fear flees from faith. I have faith now that my best is good enough.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
