On May 31st, after twenty-two years of marriage, my husband passed away in my arms at the hospital. He'd had various health issues over the past fourteen years including strokes and a weak heart. Weak according to medical standards. According to me, his heart was one of the finest ones I have had the honor to know.
The pain is unfathomable. The confusion, loss, sadness, numbness, shock and fear are overwhelming. The ache feels like it threatens my sanity. Yet, in a time when everything is so uncertain and life is upside down, I have been blessed in amazing ways.
I am sober.
Has the thought crossed my mind to escape into the depths of a bottle? It sure has. It didn't take long though to play that scenario out to the end in my head. It simply isn't an option. To throw away God's gift of having lifted my obsession to drink would only compound the agony. I also know, if I had one minute of relief from the grieving, I wouldn't stop. I'd drown.
I am also blessed by the support of my AA fellowship. Members have stepped forward and acted as drivers, pet sitters, house cleaners, financial consultants, handymen, and spiritual advisers. They have been nothing short of incredible, making life a bit sweeter during a very low time.
My faith in God has kept me strong. When I think about how lovingly He brought me to where I am now I am humbled. Had this happened a few years ago I would have been drunk, jobless, mentally unsound, emotionally crippled, virtually friendless and horribly self-centered. Instead, He led me through the doors of AA and into His loving arms. Having brought me so far, I know deep in my heart, He will not drop me now. Through His power and grace I was able to give my husband a sober wife and to help make his last years some of the best we'd ever shared.
So, I do the next right thing. I attend meetings, I study His Word, I ask for help from Him and my fellows, I remember the good times and I move on, not simply trying to survive, but with the intent of building a new life. I am filled with sorrow that he died but I am still alive, my heart still beats.
May 31st was the worst day of my life and I didn't drink. I am humbled by the grace of God and the generosity of humanity. I am sad and yet not without hope. I am trying to see past the mess and to the message. I am grateful to have a place to pour out my heart and my thoughts.
At one of my first meetings, a woman, who is also a widow, said that I never had to drink again if I didn't want to.
She was right. One day at a time I am finding out, she was right.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
May the God of your understanding continue to be your shield and strength from this terrible pain.I am sorry for your loss and will pray for your peace...May this pain shared be somewhat lessened knowing WE are in support and prayer.
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
thank you dear vixen, for sharing your pain and love with us. yes, your heart is still beating, even though your life is abruptly different. i am so glad you have God to help you get through each day, and your AA program and friends to remind you that you are not alone. I am so sorry for your loss..... i live in California, too, you can private message me anytime. we are here for you. jj/sheila
I too, am sorry for your loss .... and yet I am truly encouraged by your post ... your testament to the strength granted to you by God is reassuring ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank you all very much, from the bottom of my heart. I really appreciate the kindness found here.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I went through the same thing just over 5 years ago. The pain is terrible, the grief overwhelming, but it will get better. These are the times that Bill W was talking about when he referred to "the certain trials and low spots ahead".
One thing that helped me enormously was the help of a grief counsellor. I found myself experiencing some very powerful emotions and it was reassuring to learn that I was reacting normally. Like you are doing I continued working with others and God has kept me safe and protected. It will be ok.
