Last night I had the worst alcohol-related nightmare I have had in at least a year. I don't have many, but when I do they hit really hard. In a nutshell, I dreamt that I was at a party with co-workers when I became incredibly drunk and start putting the moves on one of my co-workers. I remember in the dream slurring and wobbling around like I used to when I was wasted, and persisting anyway. The next portion of the dream consisted of "waking up" to find out that I had blacked out and listening to my wife tell me about everything I did while drunk. In my dream my wife didn't know about me putting the moves on my co-worker and I remember feeling absolutely panicked at the thought of needing to choose whether or not to tell her, and knowing that if I did my marriage might be over. It was a nightmare - and it was deeply reminiscent of the nightmares I have lived for the past ten years.
When I woke up, I immediately thanked God for my sobriety, squeezed my wife, and read some inspirational literature. In some ways, I think I needed to have that dream, because lately I have been suffering through the occasional "What if...?" thought. I reached 120 days yesterday, actually, and I think have started to forget just how bad it felt sometimes. Last night's dream was a reminder, because it took me right back to that horrific place of waking up not knowing what happened. I actually had a night like this at my brother-in-law's wedding in December. I remember the ceremony and the first half of the reception. Everything after that was brief flashes of memory with hours of footage missing. Apparently, during the couple's dance at the end, I danced with a random wedding crasher instead of my wife because she was off taking care of our nieces. Everyone thought it was funny (and intentional), but I spent the next week in a state of panic thinking about anything else I might have done that was equally stupid or damaging. I was reassured that I was "fine," but clearly I was toasted.
I do NOT need that back in my life. Regardless of anything else I ever go through, I never want to open the doors of my heart and soul to that panicked feeling of waking up after having blacked out and wondering what I did. It's not worth all of the summer IPAs or cold glasses of white wine in the whole world.
-Adam
-- Edited by AdamMoz on Tuesday 11th of June 2013 09:02:27 AM
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Thanks, Adam! I never miss that feeling. My pattern when drinking involved obsessively sending epic, very dramatic text messages to various people. The horror of waking up to look at my phone and see that I had sent my ex like 30 messages professing my love, defending my behavior, telling him why he should worship me, then how much of a jerk he was is something I don't miss, for sure. Or the cryptic suicidal messages, or waking up in my front hall cuz I was 'too tired' to make it up 3 flights of stairs. Or wondering why I'm sleeping on the sidewalk instead of in my apartment... I could go on. The nightmare is over!! I hope you gave your wife a great big hug:)
I usually have alcoholic nightmares too, not just drinking dreams : ) It's always just when I need a boost to know... to really deep down know that I WANT to be sober. My sponsor and I were just speaking about this a bit ago. Step zero: The Desire to stop drinking.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
My pattern when drinking involved obsessively sending epic, very dramatic text messages to various people.
I was a frequent Facebook ranter. I would often wake up, totally cloudy, and remember in a panic that I had posted something ridiculous or really controversial on my page because I was feeling either pissed or drunkenly sentimental. I was generally pretty good about avoiding direct contact with people, but I did send the occasional email that was full of typos and over-the-top emotional. Ugh.
-Adam
__________________
When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
It's always just when I need a boost to know... to really deep down know that I WANT to be sober. My sponsor and I were just speaking about this a bit ago. Step zero: The Desire to stop drinking.
I agree. I think when our dreams are helping us stay sober, it means we really crave it :)
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Hey Adam, thanks for sharing. Sounds alot like what happened when I drank. Once I got drunk I thought that I was irresistible to the opposite sex. I have some painful (or amusing) memories, depending on my sense of humor at the time, of slurring poorly put together pick up lines. I was not fortunate enough to stay sober the first, second, or even 20th time walking into the rooms. It was definitely a process, a long process, a couple years of in and out with no more than a couple months sober (about what you have now) at a time. But, what I did learn, in those relapses and subsequent re-entries into the program was my patterns of behavior while drinking. I know exactly what will happen once I pick up the first drink, where it will take me, and what I will lose. So when the thought of a drink goes off in my head (and it will) what follows is like a several minute long movie trailer, a horror movie, and a violent head shake and "oh hell no" response to my inner alcoholic. Take that bad dream and use it to "play it through" next time that you think of a drink.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 12th of June 2013 01:23:29 PM
Thanks for the post Adam! Yes, I still get them too. A nice reminder of what it was like out there. What a relief to wake up and realize I'm sober! But for the Grace of God. It's ironic that I don't have any good drinking dreams........ I guess the good days are so far off....... or the bad days overwelmingly outweigh the good. Don't know. Doesn't matter though, I'm right where I should be.
I have come to learn over time that dreams are metaphoric and my drinking dreams represent an intense ingrained portion of my life. I also am grateful when coming out of one that I didn't do "that" all over again for real...some are every real even after all of this recovery time. What ever purpose they support one is to feel gratitude for the program and the fellowship who have offered me theirs to duplicate. My last drinking dream was during my 26th year of sobriety with no one in my life that was there when I use to drink. I dreamt I had "gone out" on a pretty intense bout and when I awoke I jumped out of bed and that awoke my wife, who I wasn't married to when I drank and begged to ask her "Did I leave the house"? I asked that question 3 times and each time she said "No you didn't". I had to check that I was wearing the same night clothes I went to bed with and then settled down to stop my heart from racing. When the disease is described as having a complusion of the mind...that means on both levels...conscious and sub-conscious...where our dreams are filed. I still have the compulsion...not the dreams.
What a relief to wake up and realize I'm sober! But for the Grace of God. 
It's ironic that I don't have any good drinking dreams........ I guess the good days are so far off....... or the bad days overwelmingly outweigh the good. Don't know. Doesn't matter though, I'm right where I should be.