Of all the cliches of wisdom I've heard in the rooms, "don't drink no matter what" pretty much sums it up for me. The steps, a sponser, prayer... All of this is necessary, but those words are it in a nutshell. I've been struggling a bit as of late. The usual craziness of early sobriety and passing my first anniversary is amplified by a mental disorder I also live with called Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's an obsessive disorder based on self loathing and body image issues. I was diagnosed with this as an early teen, and it's plagued me daily for most of my life. It tells me that I'm physically repulsive and so hideous that I should not be out in public... Other people shouldn't be subjected to having to look at me. How does this relate to sobriety? Booze was a medication for this... I did not leave my house unless in was in pursuit of booze or for work for a large part of my life. This is my first sober summer. Everybody else is reveling in less clothing and cute outfits. I have the cute outfits, but they stay in my closet in favor of jeans and a long cardigan that I wear like a protective shield everyday. It sucks, and not running to the 'comfort' of booze is a challenge. I've simply taken the option of drinking off the table. It is not an option for me, no matter what. I look at myself through distorted perception and sometimes want to literally run to the nearest liquour store or bar to hide and seek oblivion, but I do not. I'm learning how to be sober, and how to live life and accept myself without drinking- no matter what. The hardest thing I've ever done- but I thank my HP several times a day for blessing me with the opportunity to do so:)

Colleen! Was thinking about you and glad you are okay! I can relate to the body dysmorphic thing. Even though I have lost a bunch of weight and I know i look lots better than in the past, I see myself as a giant disgusting blob often and think "Yuck fatso. You need to get to the gym!" And that is what I do. But then I also eat like a pig....so... I don't know if you have the full Body Dysmorphic Disorder like you seem to think as it usually focuses more on a specific body part rather than whole body image. What I am talking about it like the distorted body image an anorexic person has but I don't starve myself (or a bulimic that doesn't purge). I do binge eat and exercise compulsively. A person with body dysmorphic disorder tends to think their hair is messed up, their hairline, their skin, their nose... I saw a special on TV for people that actually amputated their own limbs or had them amputated because they thought their legs/arms were "not right." That is an extreme case of body dismorphic disorder. Sincerely doubt you have that and I know I don't. Many of these "disorders" are on continuums, so you might have elements without having the whole thing. Keep that in mind so you don't over pathologize....

I do think it's part of my alcoholism or at least connected and intertwined in a glob of "diseased thinking." It is gettng better...all of it. I didn't know that going into AA would help me with all other areas of sickness as well but it has. It's not just recovery from drinking...it's recovery of my spirit, sanity, and peace. Yeah 13/14 months sober is a long time, but in other ways, it's the tip of the iceberg. Now you focus on emotional sobriety and loving yourself. Now you take steps to become what you were meant to be. Scary stuff, but awesome stuff. My first year sober was gut wrenching and it was a major deal to make it past that mark, but the second year is when I really started growing and working on being a healthier and more emotionally grounded person. Still a work in progress. I feel more normal than not. Even with my body image I know I look decent but it's a part of me that is there...same with anxiety issues.

When I was drinking (and very early in recovery) I literally hated myself, thought I was absolutely disgusting, and that I deserved to die, and that I would suffer that way the rest of my life. Considering that's where I was at less than 5 years ago...I'm happy with my progress.

In years 2 and 3 sober, there was lots of work to do on emotional sobriety. It's going to be good and be open to the idea that you will not suffer with your "conditions" forever. Your self-esteem will continue to evolve as will your career and personal life. Keep striving.

Hey Col,
That seems really reasonable to me. When we advance in AA, it actually brings us face to face with problems we drank to avoid. The program gives us the strength to do this. Look at this post. You are laying it all out there in total honesty. Bravo!! It still is very hard to face the original problem, but you have the power of all of us praying for you, as well as the freeing experience of simply stating the problem in front of a bunch of non judgmental, flawed, reforming drunks!
So, like PC and others mention, now that you have a grip on sobriety, AND you have proven to yourself you have the tools to take this on, it may be time to look at this other issue slowly, and with vigilance to your sobriety. Look how far you have come in a year with the big problem of alcohol. What will next year bring with some work towards the Body Dysmorphic Disorder? I have to slip in here somewhere that as a happily married man, I can be very honest with you that from your picture, you are a very pretty young lady, and part of today's society does not allow us to be open about that without sexualizing the simple statement. You grew up in a tragic time where you were bombarded with sexualized images non stop, and I really think your generation will show many signs of this affliction as time goes on, so I do not think you are alone. Just keep on keepin' on one day at a time and put it in your HP's hands. Work hard, then rest. I am sure this will work itself out now that you have found yourself!
Tom

Blessings of this day Col,,,,,thanks for sharing from your heart.I could only suggest  to continue instilling our 11th STEP(of course as others) into your life and the God of your understanding will  continue to show that beauty that comes from the inside as WE seek through our prayer and work to improve our "conscious contact"with that Higher Power.Continuing to address your disorder as you do your sobriety, doing the daily work and remaining in that fit spiritual condition, so important for all of us,will  guide your journey along God's path.Always in prayer and support.... 

 

 

I'd say from this share that it is almost completely impossible to cite dismorphic to and within a group of people who love you....LOL...nice try though!!  I read your post and it reminded me of when my sponsor was working with me about self image conversations...the conversations which were certainly and constantly self put downs and full of self loathing and pity.  He ended that all for me when he suggested I try out a question after I went on any self loathing rant...and the question is, "Could you be wrong"?   I couldn't and wouldn't dare answer no to that question and my whole perspective and recovery work changed.   Try that Col and see what happens. I also know you're a cutie...you suspect the same and so we are all in agreement.   Love you...(((((hugs))))) 

Thanks guys:) the thing about this particular disorder is its also very isolating and makes me withdrawn. I've told myself 'stop it!!' millions of times, and sometimes it helps, but usually it just makes me feel much worse about myself. For me, I think it time to embrace cognitive therapy and do something about it. It's not as easy as looking in the mirror and saying 'oh, but you're fine- stop it'. It has a serious negative impact on my life and keeps me from connecting with others and living the life that I desperately want to enjoy. I didn't get sober to lock myself away in my home, or have meltdowns if someone looks at me with what I perceive to be horror (which is most people that look at me). I've been a staunch opponent to availing myself of professional help for most of my life, but I think it's in my own best interest to utilize the help I so obviously need. I thought being a good AA who works the steps and all that would remove this from me. I think sometimes it's ok to use the resources my HP has put in my path in the form of a professional in the field. Thanks for the support:)