But I kinda thought I should take it out of the Miracles in Progress Recovery house thread. :)
awilliam wrote: Hi. I need some help. I was sober for about 5 years. Took a hiatus and then came back for another 4 1/2 years. On both occasions, it was easy to quit drinking. It was life that was tough. I have now been in and out of meetings for about 2 years. I now find that I do not have the will to stop. If someone offers me a meeting or a boozy night out on the town you can guess which one wins. I am not stupid and I am fully aware of the physical and emotional damage that is being wrought. I know how much I am hurting those who care. However, and this is the crux of the problem, when the bottle is in front of me I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. I am afraid that I might be one of the constiutionally incapable (or whatever that phrase is). I get drunk, I feel remorse, I dodge a few bullets (and I know my luck will run out at some point) and when I feel physically recovered I go back to it. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not looking for pat phrases. What I want is some advice about how to quit. Is there a drug I can take???? I know that is verboten, but if there is something that will stop the cravings I would rather suffer the side effects. I would even admit in meetings that I was taking it. I am in a complete state of insanity. When I first "joined" i was a high bottom drunk. I do not want to be a low bottom drunk, but I cannot just quit. I need more than meetings and spiritual support.
Please answer. andrew302@hotmail.com
This sounds a LOT like me. Uncanny- twins seperated at birth. It's funny when I meet an alcoholic that's similar to me- there seems to be so many variations. I have a friend who cant stay off the booze at all and I have another that very seldom drinks but goes on a bender for a couple three weeks every now and again. I'm in the middle somewhere- I don't drink for a month or three and then become weak and say "I'll just have a couple". I've read all the books- I mean really- pretty much all of them- and I know how foolish that is. But when the beer gets in my head it's not me struggling with anything- it's me saying "oh- well I guess it's now." A totally self destructive tendancy in light of the fact that I posess all of the information and am a funny analytical kind of person that in all other aspects of my life just never would do "the wrong thing".
So I don't mean to imply that I get enjoyment out of the plight of others but it's sometimes nice to know that I'm not alone- that I dont have some wierd abberation that makes me drink til I black out. I'm just genetically predisposed to the stuff, is what I've been told anyhow.
That was a huge relief- the day I finally ignored all of my fears about letting people into my life and letting people see that I'm human and fallible (That's the real laugh- or not depending on my mood- totally worried to let people know I need help but totally OK with people seeing me all messy and wasted!) and I went to see a guy that has a degree in psychology and has been there and is 12 years sober and specializes in whack jobs like myself that are self destructive and have a tiny part of our brain that when it tastes that first stimuli of alcohol decides that it needs to keep going til it's over. So yeah- it was a huge relief in a way that day I talked to him and he explained these little receptors that are in some people's brains that carry electrons and how with some of us the alcohol so stimulates those receptors that the electrons basically take a step back and the alcohol just cuts loose. and we feel great for a couple beers (I do anyhow) and then by the third beer it's about peaked- and it's all downhill from there. It never does get any better. The worst part is that it takes a while to get those little electrodes up to speed as the alcohol leaves the system (or so I was told anyhow- I'm no expert) and the ensuing depression is just the pits. Those are the days I'm ready to quit.
And so when you (awilliam) posted about how "I get drunk, I feel remorse, I dodge a few bullets (and I know my luck will run out at some point) and when I feel physically recovered I go back to it. " I just heard something so familiar in that and I have to tell you that (aside from the years between 1989 and 2000 when I was married and young and strong and didn't drink at all practically)- well- from 2001 on I think the longest I've gone not drinking was 97 days. another time I made 46. The rest was chickenfeed- a week here and there and stuff like that- maybe a month here and there. So geez- if I made four years I'd be pretty stoked. I have a good friend who is on ten years and change and he goes out to bars and meets girls and has a good time- I don't know if a time will ever come when I could go to a bar and not drink (lucky thing I really dont like bars very much I guess.)
So anyhow- upon reflection I realised that I was an alcoholic from day one. I always drank til I was drunk- ever since I was a young kid. I remeber sitting on a wall in front of my house with my friend Dave (who was a pretty serious drunk himself last time I saw him- a decade ago) when we were about 18 and I asked him if it ever worried him that we might be alcoholics, and he just turned and looked at me and said "nope." But yeah- I was worrying about it then. When I was 22 I quit smoking and to do that I claimed I couldn't drink (maybe another little tiny sign that I knew there was a problem?) and so I quit drinking- but didn't have much of a social life until I got divorced in 2000- when I naively decided I'd start partying again. The first night I was out of the house and on my own I was so depressed and terrified- I hadn't been on my own since I was 17- I'd had my wife and all- and so it was huge. And that first night I polished off a six pack and cried myself to sleep. Bummer.
I got really good at drinking quick- picked it up straight off. But I wasn't 18 anymore, that's for sure. I suspect I have an allergy (my mom has an allergy to molds or yeasts or something- I cant recall the specifics but she cant drink beer or wine at all- which was handy because I suspect she was a pretty active alcoholic the whole time I was growing up. Her anesthesia of choice was Ernest and Julio Gallo white wines. Blech. I'm a picky drunk and prefer to harm myself with more expensive stuff. )
And so here I am. I'm trying. All I can say at this point is those of you who are sober are really strong people. What a tough challenge this has turned out to be.
But I couldn't go on living a charmed life forever without hitting some rough patches eventually, I suppose. But this is easily the toughest challenge I've ever faced.
Some of us never accept step one....some of us die...
Took this kid 7 years..in and out...of AA...
Never had a desire to quit...just wanted to somehow...play both ends...and get things better..
At the end of 7 years..There was noone...or nothing left..
It was either pull the trigger..or ask for help...
I just know one thing for sure...surrendering...and accepting...one day at a time...that I could not pick up a drink---was not an easy task..
Ive been in AA a number of days now...and have had different days...where...I have wanted to pick one up...
But I know that I couldnt stop at one..and I try to think of the consequenses..
Stong as a person...to quit and stay quit? Tried it...cant do it on my will power alone..not enough strength there..to do it..
But..when we are not alone in this ...getting and staying sober stuff...and there is power and strength..in numbers...its a different story..
And thats what makes it all work..
Meetings of support..sharing experience strength and hope with each other..on a daily basis..
A 12 step program..to help us put the past in the past..learning how to arrest this damned disease...learning how to live sober...and then helping others to do the same..
It works..One day at a time..it works...
Some of us have had to go all the way to the bottom...others have been able to get off the garbage truck before it got there..
Welcome bud...We hope you stick around..grab our hands and HANG ON!!
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
umm... well,,, first off I have a couple of questions. I don't know where the MIP recovery house thread is. I'm not sure if we should have andrew's address,, that's prolly confidential... so I feel a little unsure of what is going on.
Having said that, I can relate to the part about being self destructive... kind of first trying to be perfect and then blowing it and going opposite. I call that the 'Janis Joplin' side of me. And I've heard that alcoholics do tend to be all or nothing,,,, and perfectionists who fail and have like a backlash. I really try very hard to be perfect,, and it is just sooooooo stressful that I end up saying '**** ***" and trying to obliterate my self, Janis Joplin style. The perfectionist ego I call 'Doris Day'. lol
Well,, so a big part of my recovery, and staying sober,, is to balance... to let myself be human and accept what is the best I can do as good enough. Certain things still trigger an urge to get self destructive... like when I've had a conflict with someone who puts me down and blames stuff on me,,, I'm so used to being scapegoat. But I am learning better coping skills, and to love myself, take care of myself,,, even if someone else hates me. We got to stop being like moths attracted to the flame...
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
That thread I referenced is pinned near the top of the front page of the forum- the one with all the threads.
The moths to flames thing- yeah- that's a really good analogy.
I used to think I was a funny kind of alcoholic until I met a dozen or so people just like me. What fooled me was my ability to practice abstinence for long periods of time. The periods between seem to grow shorter and shorter- bad sign. Nice big red flag. The other thing that I noticed become progressively different was that I used to go three days before I felt like I wanted a drink- now it's two a lot of the time. Makes me wonder if my body is processing the alcohol quicker or my appetite is getting larger/stronger/whatever. Something like that.
What an absolute pain in the ass being fallible is.
umm... well,,, first off I have a couple of questions. I don't know where the MIP recovery house thread is. I'm not sure if we should have andrew's address,, that's prolly confidential... so I feel a little unsure of what is going on.
Amanda this is at the top of the board, Andrew posted there awhile back....John's thread.
Hi and welcome. I guess the question is do you want to stop drinking after all the words I had to read through to get to that conclusion. I know for me the easiest way for me the first time I really wanted to stop was to go to a detox,then a rehab. Or you could do a short cut and just go to meetings if your not detoxing that bad.
You know I just have to say it,but if you ran out of money,your taste buds would like cheep wine or any thing with alcohol in it just like your alcoholic mom. Can't stand the pot calling the kettle black and all that.
Mom had plenty of money- she just liked cheap wine. Actually upon introspection later (in my twenties) that was something that always baffled me.
Sorry if you thought I Was calling the kettle black. I didn't mean that at all. My mom's a (sometimes admittedly, when she's being frank) recovering alcoholic. My stepmom's been sober for (I think) five years- been involved with AA and other groups for more like ten years. My ex-wife's family (who sort of raised me from a certain point in my teens) have a few recovered alcoholics in there as well. My family has a pretty well established history of alcoholism- saying someone is an alcoholic (or any comment like that) carries no stigma in my family and would never be misconstrued as an insult- it's just a fact of life.
No- I am sober presently- but just barely. I am making a serious effort and I just thought I'd pop back in here and be around people that are a better influence on me or something like that.
Funny- last night I got an email from an old friend that said she'd begun going to Alanon. At one time not too long ago I was talking with her about my issues and she said I should quit worrying about it. It surprised me that she's decided to sober up. Also I've been in contact with a few close friends from my childhood and a couple of them also had their bouts with substances and we all are kind of in the same boat. It was eye opening that they had troubles- they are both super successful in their fields and I always assumed they had everything all squared away. There were four of us, and three of us are sober (counting myself)- the one odd man out was my best friend when I was a kid and he came and worked with me last summer (we both have construction companies but live about 3000 miles apart) and he drinks steadily from the time work is over til he goes to sleep. I'd be a beer drinker- and sometimes wine- but he'd have beer and whiskey or rum. That'd kill me. I drank whiskey a couple times and the next day my head felt like if I bumped it my forehead would crack off at the temples. That was absolutely debilitating and awful- and of course I did it more than once. Steep learning curve;).
Sorry if I write too much- that's what I do. I write a lot. My ex-wife used to tell me that my mind is running a million miles an hour up there just spinning in my head and the only thing that keeps me from exploding is my writing. I don't know- she might be right- but the writing really works well for me to look at stuff and possible eventualities and variables and choices and all sorts of things. Writing- for me- is meditation. Aloha- TLH
Phil wrote: Quite a share buddy.... Some of us never accept step one....some of us die... Took this kid 7 years..in and out...of AA... Never had a desire to quit...just wanted to somehow...play both ends...and get things better.. At the end of 7 years..There was noone...or nothing left.. It was either pull the trigger..or ask for help... I just know one thing for sure...surrendering...and accepting...one day at a time...that I could not pick up a drink---was not an easy task.. Ive been in AA a number of days now...and have had different days...where...I have wanted to pick one up... But I know that I couldnt stop at one..and I try to think of the consequenses.. Stong as a person...to quit and stay quit? Tried it...cant do it on my will power alone..not enough strength there..to do it.. But..when we are not alone in this ...getting and staying sober stuff...and there is power and strength..in numbers...its a different story.. And thats what makes it all work.. Meetings of support..sharing experience strength and hope with each other..on a daily basis.. A 12 step program..to help us put the past in the past..learning how to arrest this damned disease...learning how to live sober...and then helping others to do the same.. It works..One day at a time..it works... Some of us have had to go all the way to the bottom...others have been able to get off the garbage truck before it got there.. Welcome bud...We hope you stick around..grab our hands and HANG ON!!
Oh hey- I didn't mean to just ignore your post but got all excited about the moth to flame one ;) (that really was just the best analogy for me I've heard in a while- even if it wasn't directed at me- it made me chuckle- and I take my grins and chuckles and appreciate them. Heartfelt smiles are a commodity.) and then I had to go pick up my munchkin from day care (Yeah I was surfing the internet when I really should have been working) and so anyhow- thanks for the good word.
and again- sorry for writing so much. When I get started I talk too much.
hey... please stop worrying about how much you are writing or how many posts! Look at how much some of us others are writing.. a lot! It's okay,,, write as much as you want to,, there is no limit! And I think your shares are very interesting and I am learning from them. When I have some burning issues that I am trying to work through I tend to talk and write a lot too,, sometimes that is not just venting,, but really trying to get a handle on things,,, and sharing with us is one thing that helps.. to share your perspectives,, and see ours.. is how we grow. I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad you're sharing.
I have to share about cheap wine. I'm a wino, and considered myself a connoisseur of fine wines. My favorite is Harvey's Bristol Cream. I like sweet drinks. Vermouth, brandy. I'm like you in avoiding hard liquor cuz it doesn't give me the high I want and instead feels kind of terrible. okay,, that said.. I actually really like some cheap wines.. like Manischewitz. I like it! lol I haven't seen any Manischewitz in awhile. uh oh... now I have to get my mind off that. I'm going to go get busy at something.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
