but its alos important to rememeber that AA is to be a safe place for all. he may have issues that AA cant provide. a loving God as we understand Him, IMO, wouldnt want us to allow unacceptable behavior.
when this situation has come up, the one thing asked by a very sober( of sound mind) individaul, said, "what would God want us to do? would he want us the jeopardize the safety of all for one person?"
yes, this is a sick individual. we have to accept people the way they are, but we dont have to accept unacceptable behavior.
-- Edited by tomsteve on Saturday 1st of June 2013 09:13:58 AM
I will go to my regular home group meeting in a half an hour or so. Today there will be a meeting of trusted servants after the meeting to the group to address someone lingering after the meeting and groping one of the employess of the center where the meeting is held (this will be done with the "offender"). This is gonna be a sticky subject. The guy is 65 or so and AA is all he has in his life. I don't know if he's going senile or how much damage he did drinking cuz he's only a bit over a year sober. I've made it a bit of my own service mission to help him and also get him connected to service (as my assistant). That gave him enormous pride but he's also decided it makes him somewhat of an "authority" in certain dealings and has gotten into some interchanges where he pulled the "well I am a trusted servant!" thing out....He needs feedback on that too. I believe most of the other trusted servants feel like ripping his head off. Not sure what the lesson here is for me, but I intend to remind them (without the guy there) that we have other straight up mentally ill folks at the meeting and we don't kick them out or sanction them, that he has his own consequences for behavior outside the meeting and we don't need to micromanage everything.... But most of all, this is a person that drank themself out of a job, a 30 year relationship, much of his health and that I remember the bandages on his wrists from the suicide attempt and hospitalization that brought him into recovery finally.
Sensitivity would seem critical but on the other hand - I got some harsh lessons about boundaries in my 2nd year and am STILL learning them the hard way at aproaching 5 years sober. This guy could use some feedback in a bad way but I'm not sure his ego can handle it.
What ESH do you guys have on treading that fine line between taking opportunities to help someone grow and maybe pushing a fragile person too far?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Certainly the group must address inappropriate behavior by one of it's members ... It sounds like your group is going about this in the right way ... I think using 'tact' when discussing this with the individual is a must ... you cannot predict how he will respond, but you cannot allow him to continue this type behavior either ...
I think that if he is told that the person offended is uncomfortable with his actions and that he should reconsider his actions around this person, hopefully he'll get the message ... he may be unaware that he has upset this person ... I think the best thing in this situation would be gentle at first ... and pray that more stern measures are not necessary ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Be honest. Present the whole story and ask him what he thinks should be done about it. Maybe ask him what he would tell his son or brother or best friend to do about it. Hugs
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There's nothing like running it thru the traditions...That for me has always worked and it governs how we run our program/meetings/membership. What has his victim already said about AA people and how close is the home group from loosing the use of the facility. I've seen it happen more than once in the program and the consequences of the choices of one member affects all members in the group and all groups everywhere as far as victims go. Don't let it happen....don't assume anything reach back to the experiences of the past and use them honestly, humbly, courageously and then don't go out for a drink afterwards.
We had a former member get caught practicing pedofilism outside of the fellowships awareness. When we found out and confirmed from him and others and with him and others we helped facilitate a detachment which included moving him out of the community and moving him into Federal prison. As far as I know we each, individually addressed the issue with him anonymously and then bid him aloha. Life on Life's terms demands a program. ((((hugs))))
We had a woman at our morning meeting who was acting in an inappropriate way toward the church employees who work in the building. I think she is mentally unstable. She had been warned many times about her behavior by the group, the church finally got a restraining order against her so she isn't allowed in the building. I felt bad that we were unable to take care of it as the church is very generous allowing us to have around 20 meetings a week there.
I think the AA group could be skating on thin ice in regards to being allowed to hold meetings there unless you get this guy under control.
Each member of Alcoholics Anonymous is but a small part of a great whole. A.A. must continue to live or most of us will surely die. Hence our common welfare comes first. But individual welfare follows close afterward.
If the group loses it's meeting place because of him many more people will suffer. If he truly wants recovery he'll conduct himself in an appropriate manner if not then it's his choice to make.
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
I will go to my regular home group meeting in a half an hour or so. Today there will be a meeting of trusted servants after the meeting to the group to address someone lingering after the meeting and groping one of the employess of the center where the meeting is held (this will be done with the "offender"). This is gonna be a sticky subject. The guy is 65 or so and AA is all he has in his life. I don't know if he's going senile or how much damage he did drinking cuz he's only a bit over a year sober. I've made it a bit of my own service mission to help him and also get him connected to service (as my assistant). That gave him enormous pride but he's also decided it makes him somewhat of an "authority" in certain dealings and has gotten into some interchanges where he pulled the "well I am a trusted servant!" thing out....He needs feedback on that too. I believe most of the other trusted servants feel like ripping his head off. Not sure what the lesson here is for me, but I intend to remind them (without the guy there) that we have other straight up mentally ill folks at the meeting and we don't kick them out or sanction them, that he has his own consequences for behavior outside the meeting and we don't need to micromanage everything.... But most of all, this is a person that drank themself out of a job, a 30 year relationship, much of his health and that I remember the bandages on his wrists from the suicide attempt and hospitalization that brought him into recovery finally.
Sensitivity would seem critical but on the other hand - I got some harsh lessons about boundaries in my 2nd year and am STILL learning them the hard way at aproaching 5 years sober. This guy could use some feedback in a bad way but I'm not sure his ego can handle it.
What ESH do you guys have on treading that fine line between taking opportunities to help someone grow and maybe pushing a fragile person too far?
