Last night I dreamt that I drank a beer. (Cunning, baffling, and powerful.) I think making a gratitude list is a good decision for me to do today. 

My five favorite things about sobriety (so far):

1. Waking up in the morning feeling peaceful and refreshed, ready to take on the day - or, not waking up at 3am feeling horrible. I have written about this a lot, but the absolute lowest I ever felt at any point during my alcoholic drinking cycles was 3am when I would inevitably wake up feeling deep pangs of self-loathing and massive amounts of guilt. If I was able to fall back to sleep after sipping water and pacing around my living room for a while, I would wake up feeling sluggish and totally unmotivated. Just this morning I woke up and did yoga, and it felt awesome. 

2. The amount of money I am saving. My bank account nearly doubled in the past couple months because I have been spending no money on booze, which I spent a LOT on while I was drinking. Even when my wife and I weren't going out drinking, I would often sneak to the liquor store 2-3 times a week and buy bags full of booze. The money adds up. As a way of "rewarding" myself, I have allowed myself to buy any books I want without guilt. 

3. Enjoying food to its fullest. I had TOTALLY forgotten how much I loved food until I stopped drinking. I used to "save up" my calories through the day and eat as little as possible so that I could get hammered at night and still stay reasonably slim. Even when I *would* make a great, indulgent dinner I had to hear about how good it was from my wife because I was usually too drunk to remember tasting it. This happened a lot, and I remember waking up in the morning and tasting any leftovers to determine for myself whether or not it was actually a good meal. 

4. Remembering everything I have done. At no point have I woken up in the past four months and thought to myself: "OH CRAP. What happened last night?!" I HATE that feeling. It's terrifying and humiliating. I have not posted anything embarrassing on Facebook, sent anyone any drippy and emotional emails, or even had cruel thoughts that manifested in writing. I used to wake up all the time trying to remember if my wife and I had fought the night before. When we had, I would scramble to remember the details and hope that she wasn't still angry. When we hadn't, I was deeply relieved. What a mess. 

5. Telling the truth. I'm not sure why, but after I stopped drinking I felt the compulsion to stop lying. When I started drinking I became a compulsive, shame-free liar. I snuck drinks constantly, lied to people about life details that didn't even need lying about, and hid in a veil of constant darkness. I put on a happy veneer, but deep inside I was seething with guilt and shame. I've been a lot more open and honest the past few months, and while I think I have surprised a few people, I feel more real and genuine and my relationships have improved as a result. 

6. (Bonus) I want to be alive now. When I was drinking, the prospect of dying used to feel like a relief. I used to think to myself that if I was diagnosed with some disease or something else happened to me, it would be a welcomed relief. Now, I want to be alive and enjoy life - and that is the biggest gift of all. And things are certainly not all roses. I still get anxiety like crazy, feel immense fear, and get frustrated - but I have all of the above to carry me through it, which is something I didn't have for ten years. 

As always, thanks for listening.

-Adam