no one's perfect. best thing to do is disassociate yourself the first time someone "crosses that line" with their verbal BS. People who do this will continue to that, no mater what kind of boundaries you set with them. I just don't have the time or energy to try and set them straight. Lot's of nice people in this world to hang out with, life's short enjoy it. One take away from this is, why were you attracted to this person in the first place? Figure that out, or you'll find others like her. *Hint* her behavior reminds you of someone in your past.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 21st of May 2013 06:48:27 PM
If you can't be honest with her about being an alcoholic, there is a reason. That alone would send red flags to me. It can also trigger resentment for me - that isn't the friends fault - but my own. I get mad at myself for staying friends with people I'm not really friends with, and then I take it out on them... as if it's their fault! I am the one who is choosing to be friends with them, and also not be honest and forthcoming with them. That means games and secrets and me not being true to me... is that fair to the other person? Am I being a good friend... um.... NOPE! So instead of looking at myself, I direct it at them... blame them bla bla bla... make excuses... all my old tricks... but I can never truly trick myself, because I'm the one hurting and getting hurt the most in the end.
Dig deep sweet heart - all the answer are there inside of you. You know what to do. Peeeeel it all back slowly and take a look at it with some courage and rest assured... it's okay... you are still very much loved no matter what... find your courage in that... you HP loves your no matter what...
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 21st of May 2013 11:13:57 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I lost it today. I have been putting up with a friend for a while now who has been pressing all the wrong buttons. I said things I should not have but have apologised but don't really mean it. I just want a quiet life. I know how difficult this person can and will make things for me but I was not happy that I stooped to nasty levels as that is the way I behaved when I drank. To be frank since I have got sober, this lady irritates me because she is with a guy who drinks a lot but he is never allowed to admit that he is an alcoholic. In a roundabout way she is always throwing it out how once you cross that line you can't go back. I have not confided in her that I am an alcoholic but she does know I don't drink anymore and I feel sure she has figured it out. Doesn't worry me to be honest as I have good set of friends in the fellowship and some outside of that.
At least I apologised, because I want a good night sleep and I rather be sober than right, I heard that at a meeting one time and it really stuck with me.
Sometimes, we act in a manner with which we are less than comfortable. That's human. That's why we have the words: "I'm sorry." They heal and bridge the gap. But we don't have to say, "I'm sorry" if we didn't do anything wrong. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for everything we do, every word we say, for being alive and being who we are.
We don't have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, seeking boundaries, having fun, or getting healthy.
We never have to change our course, if it is in our best interest, but sometimes a general apology acknowledges other feelings and can be useful when the issues of a circumstance or relationship are not clear. We might say, "I'm sorry for the fuss we had. I'm sorry if what I needed to do to take care of myself hurt you; it was not intended that way."
Once we make an apology, we don't have to keep repeating it. If someone wants to keep on extricating an apology from us for the same incident, that is the person's issue, and we don't have to get hooked.
We can learn to take our apologies seriously and not hand them out when they're not valid. When we feel good about ourselves, we know when it's time to say we're sorry and when it's not.
Today, I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my actions and nobody else's. God, help me figure out what I need to apologize for and what is not my responsibility.
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Ahhhhhh the apology; yes!! so that's why she's not carrying a resentment also. Practice, practice, practice...Mahalo Marie. That lesson is always a first for me also. ((((Hugs))))
What Tasha said. I've found myself doing the same with a few people since sobriety... Like I'm not really a huge fan of the person, but I will tolerate them under the guise of friendship and I think that makes me a good, spiritual person haha. Nope- makes me a dishonest person feeding my ego.
Sometimes potential Alanoners confuse our faces with that of their own alcoholic. SShe might be punishing you for the way she feels about her guy.
it is up to you how much exposure you have to her.
sounds like you reacted with anger instead of either walking away short and sweet. It takes years to get this right.
also, we don't make amends for reacting because that's just looking for relief and there's no growth in relief. We have to sit with it and feel the pain.
With all due respect to odat - I don't think there is a 'getting it right' - there is only lessons and wisdom that come from experiences - and you will be learning if you are willing and teachable forever. I think you are where you are suppose to be today - as we all are.
Also - I have apologized many times or my reactions and actions. God allows us relief, and is ready for us to work ALL the steps on these sorts of things. You can not only get relief from this, but forgiveness for her, and for yourself through the steps as they are laid out.
For me, this program isn't about letting ANYONE sit in pain. If I have been sharp with someone, I can love myself enough to let myself off the hook by doing the best that I know how with the tools of the program and my HP's help at the time. From there... at the very least - I can look at it - and try and do a living amends by figuring this out and trying to do behaviors closer to the way I see living in the light of the spirit as time goes... but I will never do this perfectly, and if I think I will get it right and perfect some day, that's old behavior and thought patterns for me. I'm not growing with idea's like that. That's just me though.
Love to you Marie and thanks for sharing honestly.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Sometimes potential Alanoners confuse our faces with that of their own alcoholic. SShe might be punishing you for the way she feels about her guy.
it is up to you how much exposure you have to her.
sounds like you reacted with anger instead of either walking away short and sweet. It takes years to get this right.
also, we don't make amends for reacting because that's just looking for relief and there's no growth in relief. We have to sit with it and feel the pain.
I'm mostly agreeing with this except for the last sentence. The spiritual axiom in the 10th step, of the 12 & 12, (Odat I know that you're a "1st 164 pages" person but you really could benefit from reading the 12 &12 ), states
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it."
