Ask yourself why you were attracted to her (an alcoholic). Sounds like you're feeling like a big victim here, didn't you choose to be in this relationship? Why don't you, now, go find some healthier girls to play with instead of looking for a project to remodel lol.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 13th of May 2013 08:32:02 AM
I dont think its wrong to tell someones family if they are in trouble, if someone got sick with another illness, so bad like that, i would tell their family. I dont get why it is seen as wrong, maybe i am stupid but its not all about her. People who love her got hurt also and why should they have to keep secrets from others for her?
Someone tell me cause maybe I am not understanding why it is wrong.... apologies dont want to offend here.
-- Edited by slugcat on Monday 13th of May 2013 10:13:56 AM
I guess if I had cancer, I would want it to be up to me who told people just like alcoholism... considering we're talking about life threatening illness's. It's different I guess, if someone tells someone else I have a cold - I really don't care.
I don't think it's appropriate for someone else to say anything... I personally think it should be up to the individual... however... she did make you so worried you didn't really know what else to do. It's not like you had a directions manual in front of you on how to deal with this - nor did you take the time to figure out the best approach - so you just did the best you could. My husband did the exact same thing to me. I am still estranged from his whole family as a result a year later. My family was understanding and his wasn't - so now I have zero relationship with them because they think alcoholism is a choice. Funny they don't think cancer is a choice and all ran to love and support those in the family who have had that. But... here in lies the need for acceptance of others... people DO have the choice to believe however they want about whatever they want. It's not my responsibility to force them to understand my understanding.
You can chalk this up to a lesson learned and move on with your life - hopefully - not ending up with anymore alcoholics... but if so... just like a cancer patient is at high risk of relapse, so is an alcoholic, and you'll have to weigh out if it's worth it. Personally, if my husband got cancer, I wouldn't walk away from him to find someone healthier. If he relapsed with it 10 times, I would still stay with him to the end. I know that.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 13th of May 2013 01:09:06 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Are you an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic ??? ... do you understand the 'alcoholic' ???
It will achieve nothing to text your friend nasty messages ... that will only put more distance between you .... not knowing enough of your situation, it may be you can approach her parents and family and see if an 'intervention' might be the best thing considering the circumstances ...typically, an alcoholic WILL NOT make any progress in sobriety until they 1st admit they have a problem to begin with ...
Let us know more if you think we can help ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
No I'm not a recovering alcoholic or chemically abusive. I checked her into a treatment center. She is going back to AA meetings daily. She was fine for 3 years. I love her, but I think I blew it. I told the divorced father of their daughter of the incident. She did not like that. I called the family, her father and told him about what happened. I never seen anything like this before. It was devastating for me to see. This is the first time in my life I have been exposed to alcoholism.
It's too bad that you had 3 years into this, but at this point you should consider cutting your loses and moving on. She has a lot of recovering to do and obviously wasn't prepared for having a long term relationship. Don't expect for this to snap back to the way it was last month.
I think your right. I like that type of person. It makes me feel in control. But its not good for me. Learned a lesson.
Been there and done that. The cure is to date healthy mature independent people, which scared me at first. I felt more comfortable thinking that the person I dated "needed" me.
Alcoholics are a crazy lot ... we can be very unpredictable ... those of us who have suffered enough, without dying, and have chosen sobriety, do so one day at a time ... we never make any promises regarding our future sobriety, cause we don't know the answer to that either ... we simply do our best to stay sober today ...
Being an alcoholic is something only the sufferer can determine ... when you went and told others of her problem, or incident, you 'broke' her anonymity ... it wasn't your place to discuss her personal problems with anyone else ... no wonder she's pissed off ... and right now, that probably just gives her a few more reasons to drink ...
Regarding this relationship ... i'll repeat what 'Dean' above usually says ... "Run Forest, Run" ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Not always - people were leaving me for 10 years - I had to be ready. I would have gotten into recovery during this time no matter what I believe, because it was my time - or rather - my HP's time... that's my belief anyway. It's really a lot of responsibility to put on someone - that what they do is really going to change anything. Interventions rarely work. People say "I'm leaving" and most alcoholics say "don't let the door hit ya on the way out, and then feel a sense of relief that no one is going to bug them... and they can go ahead and kill themselves in peace gal darnit!!!" LOL From what I see around - it seems those people who had interventions and people kicking them to the curb were the ones who did recovery just to please everyone, so then in fact wasted more time in AA not really giving a hoot - only to finally relapse and spend even MORE time getting to their OWN bottom, and not the one handed to them. I worry that is me sometimes I see it so often... but then I remind myself that my bottom was my own - my husband was just the one who got to witness it... poor guy. I thought differently for a long time because of all the threatening and what not - but in reality, I had faced much worse in the past and didn't give a flip. It was my time. This is normally where I would plug a good "we're all exactly where we're suppose to be" and then forget about it and feel all better - but I've lost that one so sorry... this is just my take on it. Not debunking Dean, he is my hero - I just still have a bit of fight left in me and it's getting bubbly up there lately.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 13th of May 2013 09:04:14 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There are no guarantees. All that I know is that when my best drinking and drugging friend OD'd and died, right after my x-wife and I split up for the last time, I was "ready"
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 14th of May 2013 12:21:32 PM
I'm grieving now. Maybe should of stuck it out with her.
I felt the father of the daughter had a right to know of the alcohol abuse. For the safety of the daughter. I thought if I told the father of her daughter, he would be aware of the situation and can offer support to he. Which he said he would do.
My girlfriends mom and dad were very supportive of telling them and that was not problem for my girlfriend.
The main problem was I never through anything like this before and got really mad at my girlfriend. I was not very nice.
So I'm out now. I have really no choice but to call it quits, she said she needs to focus on getting well and doesn't need a boyfriend or any other stress or to deal with my issues on this.
Basically, its a learning experience, I have to stand up and keep going.
There really is no bad decision. Making decisions shows strenght, character and the willingness to succeed.
Labdog, you've helped me today and many more who will read this thread in the future. I think you did the right thing all the way around. Secrets (and denial) are what kill alcoholics. Hitting bottom and having your enablers leave you to deal with your problem leads to recovery.
LabDog, the concept of "one day at a time" helps with regard to relationships. All relationships will end sooner or later as someone will at least die first. With that said, thinking about relationships long term is just setting us up for pain. Thinking of them in terms as "just for today" takes away our expectations of tomorrow. There are no guarantees and relationships are optional, no one has died because the didn't have one. Celebrate your new found independence and bachelorhood. Do lots of bachelor stuff. Enjoy the freedom of new possibilities! Enjoy this video by Lukas Nelson (Willie's son) "Forever is a 4 letter word" great lyrics like "my independence called me from a pay phone far away and said Hey man I'm worried because you've never been this way" lol
now for a more rockin' version
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 14th of May 2013 12:41:42 PM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 14th of May 2013 12:42:19 PM
I had a boyfriend who would be out using heroin and doing god knows what, and there I was sleeping in his mothers couch dealing with his sick famileh waiting for him to come home for weeks on end. He'd come back and use me and then leave again. The pain was intolerable.
all this was, was a way for me to focus on him instworking me putting me eyes on MY own paper and going through the 12 steps.
hopefully when you are in enough pain you'll get yourself a real good sponsor and a new way of life.
StPeteDean.... Appreciate the insights, Will be carring your day at a time concept in my heart and soul for a long time to come. Now, time for some great sex and dog work soon !
and all ran to love and support those in the family who have had that. But... here in lies the need for acceptance of others... people DO have the choice to believe however they want about whatever they want. It's not my responsibility to force them to understand my understanding.
