I need help

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I need help

Massey · Newbie

I used to have so many friends I hardly had time to keep up with them. When I needed anything, I had a group of people at hand. Today, I am so alone and frightened and I feel my hands are tied. Quickly, I was sober for some time in AA. I was doing well, speaking at meetings, busy. I had surgery which required pain meds. In a nutshell, I abused my pills, which led me to start abusing drugs again. I wish in all the world that I could just simply go back to meetings and start over, but I can't. Here's why:

Sometime ago, I started using crystal meth. I sought out using friends online. As a gay male, it was fairly easy to acquire drugs, often for free. I completely lost my soul. I am normally conservative when it comes to sex. My behavior as it relates to sex is now the complete opposite. I don't even recognize myself anymore. Guys sometimes invite people to their home "to party." Sometimes, these guys fail to tell you they are filming you. Basically, you are at someone's house, making a complete fool of yourself, and you are getting recorded.

People from AA know about these recordings. How do I go to meetings again when in the back of my mind I will always be thinking if this person or that person has seen me naked? Not just naked, but obscene? I tried to go to meetings again, but just knowing that people know about these recordings makes me feel so uncomfortable that I can't stay. My only solution is AA, but I can't show my face out of shame. I just can't do it.

RubyTues · MIP Old Timer

Hi Massey. I would not judge you if you walked through the doors of AA and I had seen one of these videos. I would be relieved and glad that you were back. I guarantee you that many, many people in those rooms have done things they are ashamed of. Showing up will lead you to that place where you don't need to carry that shame around. You know how it works. Hugs to you.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Massey - I guess for now, until your shame has been lifted by working the steps and the program... you could try meetings in another area or something. I have been trying meetings in the surrounding towns just because I need to keep things fresh... meet new people etc.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

And Ruby is right - we've all done incredible things... things we wouldn't do sober... ever! I've done the most horrific embarrassing things... we all have... we're forever breaking our own limits as to what we'll do - and we all go lower and lower. You're not alone. You are welcome back no matter what... that is the honest truth.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Massey,
Welcome. We have all been in the same prison. Its time to pardon yourself. Just go back to meetings. One way to handle this is to clobber everyone with the truth right out. "I fell off the wagon and made bad choices and became someone I did not recognize" Who does that sound like? Everyone on this board, and everyone at your meeting. The road back lies with you knowing that the honesty of the program makes you the man you once knew--only better.
Tom

Zoomtopz · MIP Old Timer

a Great "Y E T message"

yes if you are an alkie & you drink again , ALL the things you hear about ,

that happen to people when they do more'research' WILL happen to you.

I heard that message at my 1st meeting , nearly 27yrs ago Massey , in fact ,

the bloke who said those words , said-"I Promise you if you are an alkie ,

they Will happen to you , but , if you give this a try , there ia a Chance you will

get well . A Stripper/Prostitute also at that meeting , told me after the meeting .

"If you want to hide in AA , go to the Gay meetings" , as Tash has said , do out of

area meetimgs .

to add this cliche' , that we don't hear much these days .

"Those who matter won't mind , those who mind won't matter"

Massey , whilst I was in hospital , early Jan this year , a friend , who had 26yrs sobriety,

picked up & researched for another 3yrs , she was back 3yrs , she was attending , the

'inhouse' meeting at the hospital, she told us some of th things , things that , sober , she

Never would not have thought doing . I hugged her & thanked her for doing th research for me .

Thank you for reminding me , from that hospital stay . I am on another med , a psychotropic -

in other words a brain drug . See how your story has Allready benifitted somebody else.

I believe it will also benefit those who know you & about th pics . It can happen to any of us .

We ARE eligible TOO

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

What Tom mentions is reality for me...that is how I did it with the guidelines of the program and the serenity prayer...Keep it Simple, Pray for and practice courage, practice self acceptance and forgiveness and reminding myself what my elder sponsor taught be about the difference betwix "can't...and...won't". It's not that you can't... I did some very horrible and unacceptable things when I was "out there" for which I had to practice program on a daily basis so that I could reach an amends level I felt showed my self honesty and my willing to make past behaviors right. You can become one of the tools that HP uses to explain "courage" to change the things I can. Don't back up on your HP and recovery. In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

odat · Senior Member

You might be surprised at how many of us had and still have problems with the sex area.
Many people never even truly straighten it out because they never accept the whole plan outlined in the Big Book.
If we truly accept the program of recovery we'll blessedly be led through a 4th step inventory that includes a whole whopping section in sex conduct. It says many of us need an overhauling - an OVERHAULING! - there.
You're not alone, believe me!

By the way, it also says that we do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. GOD is the final judge. Do anyone who judges you is clearly mosunderstanding what AA is about.

You can know that in your heart.

Take God with you and go back!

Best.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Massey - I get where you are coming from being gay - BUT - From the stories I have heard in Gay AA meetings, your conduct is really not all that... First off, most gay men sleep around like crazy. Second off, if they are talking about you it probably means they want you. Third off, there are legit porn stars in the meetings I go to that are getting sober and that doesn't stop them.

I know of some folks in the gay AA fellowship here that are still into making porn movies and they are sober. You might find more identification in CMA (crystal meth anonymous) in that almost all the guys at those meetings have sex tied up in their drug use where as this isn't always the case at AA - though often it is. If you really take a look at every other gay man in that room. 90 percent have probably had sex over the internet, have pics of their privates on manhunt and adam for adam, and a good portion of them don't care.

Sex isn't necessarily something to be ashamed of. I had periods when I was single and in recovery and still went on a whoring tear and slept with bunches of people. I hope I'm not on film somewhere but if so, oh well. I have friends in AA where I stumbled across their porn movies. At worst I thought...hrm. Interesting or....hrm...don't wanna watch that. I never thought "What a horrid trashy slut!" because all gay men are sluts just about and that finger could just as easily be pointed back at me.

Some folks really stumble into AA homeless, having not showered for weeks and with the shakes. Yet they walk into AA also and get past their shame. Don't dismiss recovery cuz you're afraid someone saw your weewee. I live in the 2nd gayest town in america and I consider myself tame with my sexual escapades, yet I still can't go to any gay function or event without running into some old trick of mine. It is what it is and I don't regret all that whoring around either LOL.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

In support and prayer,Just For Today ,don't use AND LOST DREAMS AND NEW POSSIBLITIES CAN ARISE..........WE are here to share our ESH, you will have to decide if you are ready to do whatever it takes....Welcome to MIP.....Miracles IN PROGRESS,,,ONE DAY AT A TIME.....................

Col · Senior Member

Hey! Welcome :) I agree with Tom, and was going to give the same suggestion upon initially reading this post, but wanted others with more experience weigh in first. I think if you mention the 'elephant in the room' and address the gossip and source if it straight away others really can't say anything negative about it. I would think that if you admit your shame and reservations others will welcome you back warmly- at least the others you want as your support system. I have heard much insanity involving the dark side of alcoholism and where it can lead us. I have, like everyone else reading this, partaken of much insanity and shameful situations. Some of the crazy and embarrassing things I did in relationships were made 'public' and it was extremely difficult to deal with. Being sober and walking right into a meeting is the first step in becoming the person you really are- and not letting all the things you did in pursuit of, or under the influence of, booze or drugs define who you are and keep you in shame.

Zoomtopz · MIP Old Timer

Massey , could I add this .

I was awarded a medal for bravery during the Vietnam war .

It was presented to me by the Queen of England .

What has this got to being sober .

Well for 30yrs , I shut up , I shut it out , my mum would say ,

This is my son Rick & he has this gong & it was presented to him by th Queen .

I would say , oh shut up mum & drop it .

Well I went to my 1st reunion after 30yrs , old mates asked me where I had been &

what had I done . Well a lot of them starteg to tell me how much I had inspired them .

Why - because I was One of them , I ate with them , showered with them , was fearful

with them , you get th pic . AND I Never knew , because of other circumstances , I

ended up on my own little world . As I mentioned earlier , you have already helped

me , as did Michael Hutchence(lead singer of INXS) . Michael Could NOT use drugs or

Alcohol , when he was prescribed Prosaic , little did he know it left you with 'dry mouth'

as a result , Michael picked up . He is dead . This new script leaves me with 'dry mouth'

& a bit thirstier at times , the memory of what happened to Michael & your post .

Confirms , I have to be as Vigilant as ever .

Yes the things we hear of what happens when we go back to drinking .

Massey , Come Back to meetings & share your story , I am sure it will help others .

To keep our sobriety , we have to give it away .

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Massey, when we get clean and sober, we are Not the same people that we were when we drank and used. That is a common bond with us in the program and we don't focus on what happened "out there", what's important is Today and the future. What's past is passed. My 4th step was 10 pages long and I spent two evenings with a Priest doing my 5th step. not proud of that or what was in my 4th step. A couple decades later, what I can remember seems like a bad movie that someone else starred in. lol. I just not that person anymore. This stuff you're hung up on boils down to False Pride and it will get you killed. Feeling slightly embarrassed won't even cause a flesh wound . Think about it. Get back in the rooms and claim your seat. We'll all love you just the same as any other person who walks through the door.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 16th of May 2013 11:14:42 AM

Massey · Newbie

Thanks for the kind messages. I've had a few days to reflect, sleep (and cringe some more). I suppose what made me a busy speaker in AA was my sense of humor and ability to poke fun at my insanity. I fell into a few days of depression, but speed freaks don't do well when left with nothing to do. I am writing my best friend and asking him for his sponsor's number. I suppose I will begin by calling him and asking for help.

Thanks again. I've been on a five year relapse. It just hit me a few days ago ... five years of perfect insanity, I'm lucky to be alive.