It seems every time I think "ah-ha! The fog has lifted!" something happens to remind me that it is still a bit foggy. As a prime example- I have a love\hate relationship with one particular meeting. It's the first meeting I went to... And is known for being a bit rough. I walked into this meeting on my 10th day of sobriety completely blind and scared s***less. I walk in- big phony smile on my face, looking for my red carpet. Like "I have arrived, gentlemen!". I think I may have been 1 of 3 women in this room of men talking about jail, homelessness... I thought 'wow- these guys got it rough!'. I just sat there like the arrogant narcissist judgemental jerk that I was... Thinking these guys would start kissing my butt at any moment. They did not. I don't think any of them said 'hi' as a matter of fact. I kept going (it's a daily meeting) both judging and working up a bunch of resentments in my head against these guys. I went for months before I began going to another daily meeting. Once in a while I go back to this meeting, and I find it's a great gauge of how my thinking has changed. This is the meeting I got sober in, learned about alcoholism and all this. As much as I hated it- I identified very strongly with these men I felt such hostility and disdain for. Every time I go back I feel at home in a sense while also feeling very uncomfortable. I went the other day after another boycott...and for the first time I realized I'm now one of them. I used to complain about the meeting and 'those guys', and now I realize I'm one of 'those guys'. I'm FINALLY feeling like one of 'them'. Took a while, but better late than never.
Welcome to the 'old geezer's club' Col, LOL ... ... ... ... some of us are still judgmental too ... (part of our meeting topic tonight) ... I'm still judgmental, but I don't take it seriously nor do I make anything out of it anymore ... ... ... I thought tonight, there's a new hot 25 y/o young lady there ... and I just can't help but think, wow, she can't possibly know anything about serious drinking yet ... but I have learned that it's not how young you are, it ain't about how good, or bad, looking you are, it's about the suffering that brought you to the room to start with ...
When I was new, I thought no one had suffered like I had ... but I was wrong ... I have come to know that if you are in these rooms, then somewhere, somehow, alcohol brought you to your knees and you cried 'uncle' ... anytime anyone comes into these rooms, I know now that they earned the right to be there, so to speak ... ... ... they paid their dues and they are now welcome to join the club in recovery ...
A lot of times, which I think is what Col is saying, those of us who've been around a while, can be blunt ... and we know the 'truth' hurts, but we can strongly point out what your problems are ... hell, they are the same problems we brought with us into these rooms ourselves ... and so the learning begins ... ... ... Thanks for your share Col ... you keep reminding me of where I came from AND what I went through to get to where I am now ... and for that, I am grateful ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Haha- I think what I was attempting to say was that it's really always me and my mentality and how my head is perceiving things at the moment. It's rarely someone else who's the 'problem' to me- it's my own warped thinking. The meeting I mentioned is a prime example of this, because the way I see these people has changed radically... And that's due to my own changes in perception. A few months back I walked out in anger vowing never to return. The other day I'm sitting there thinking " wow, this is a great meeting- these guys have great insight!". I can handle truth now, whereas before it enraged me. Does this make any sense?
Haha- I think what I was attempting to say was that it's really always me and my mentality and how my head is perceiving things at the moment. It's rarely someone else who's the 'problem' to me- it's my own warped thinking.
Makes total sense. Unfortunately, it's 50 times easier to blame other people for the stuff in our lives.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
When we come in we are both arrogant and insecure (hence -egomaniac with an inferiority complex). We may want people to pay attention to us, but then we hate the attention they give us or we want it to be on our terms. My guess is that not only are you less judging and more humble, but also you are less insecure. They really can't hurt you as much since you have a strong program going. They can either add to it or not. It's frightening in the beginning though to be so vulnerable and need help from folks that you are not sure are going to accept you and are not sure if you can fit in with. It's natural at that point to have some reservations and be thinking "Well I don't like them anyway!" but you now know what that dynamic is all about...
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
When we come in we are both arrogant and insecure (hence -egomaniac with an inferiority complex).
Oh WOW PC, ... ... ... what a very accurate description of me when I walked in the door ... ... ... were you there ? ... LOL
Yeah Col, what you describe is a great example of us being very uncomfortable in the beginning, but if we can see our way to keep coming, then our 'barriers' to keep us from growing up, start to be removed ... what do they say ? ... 'more will be revealed' ...
I am so glad you have chosen us to share your journey with ... you have helped me more than you realize ... well, that, and being a pundit for my warped humor ... LOL
Love ya,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I get what you are saying, Col. Some of the men in the rooms that scared the dickens out of me and that I judged mercilessly are now my greatest confidants and friends. Did they change overnight? Nope. My perception gradually evolved and I learned we are all sick in our own ways and mine isn't any better than theirs. I looked for the ones who had what I wanted and listened close. It's amazing how much wisdom can be heard when a person is willing to hear it.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Thanks for posting this Col...I can relate in so many ways. I really appreciate this thread...
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"Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves.They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision."
What a powerful post Col and others. It's amazing the change/transformation that occurs when one does the work- Steps & HP(God). One of The Promises: Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. When I came in I hated everyone at the meetings. I was so different. Looks my outsides- I have everything etc......... Like PC said- I was arrogant, insecure, scared and ego driven.
I was sick on the inside. I hated everyone, because I hated myself. The fellowship loved me anyways. Keep coming back they said. They loved me until I could love myself. Once I hung around for awhile went through The Steps and made contact with God, my life changed. I liked who I was and the people in the meetings weren't too bad either. As a matter of fact- they were just like me when my eyes and ears finally opened. I learned that I have a diesase just like them. My thinking was flawed and I needed a psychic change. Today, I love the people in AA and the meetings. I'm very grateful today.
Col- "I walk in- big phony smile on my face, looking for my red carpet. Like "I have arrived, gentlemen!". LMAO Me too
One of the greatest gifts of The Program is learning about ourselves and using The Principles and our God to change. Change for the better!
What an awesome share Col....And so true. I like to look at it as "Growing Up". Boy did I need to grow the hell up. I thank God for placing me in that room full of grumpy old men that I couldn't relate to...They helped me save my life...And I love them for it.
When we start getting alright with ourselves, we begin to become alright with the other things around us.
I wish I could somehow go back to some of my early meetings, but like they say you can go back but you can never go home. I have a special place in my heart for all who where at those early meetings, I realize today that I need you all here for my life and sobriety so I better try to be good to you all.
We don't need to like you but I need to try and love you.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
