I had an unusual moment a couple of days ago that helped me understand that I am making good progress in my recovery. Basically, when I was drinking I had a really difficult time looking at myself in the mirror. That might sound weird, but it's true. When I was drunk I hated seeing my eyes because they looked so inhuman. And my skin looked pale and droopy. When I was hungover I couldn't look at myself either. My "routine" consisted of waking up at 3 or 4am, going to the bathroom, and while washing my hands looking down at the sink because I couldn't stand to look at myself. I was ashamed by my behavior and who I was while drinking. Also, I kind of just looked like hell because I was brutalizing my body every single night.
A couple of days ago I was in a public bathroom and while washing my hands took a long look in the mirror and noticed that I look a lot better than I did a few months ago. What was really unique about it was the comfort that I had while doing it. I looked at myself fully in the eyes and actually felt good about who I was looking at right then. It's been a long time.
In other news, my abstinence is becoming the a comfortable norm in my relationship, which is good. My wife and I went to dinner tonight and she ordered a cocktail for herself and then looked at the non-alcoholic section for something interesting that I might like. (I had the fresh lemonade and it was awesome.) I appreciated that because it was just six weeks ago that we had *the* conversation about my no longer drinking which proved to be extremely difficult. I think she has seen how good this has been for me.
Anyway, I'm off to bed but I hope everyone is doing well.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
It's been a long time since I thought about 'the mirror' ... ... ... deep into my addiction, I used to wake up and loudly curse at myself in the mirror ... I called myself every name in the book ... I had Zero 'self esteem' ... I hated myself with a hateful passion ... Many times I wished I were dead ...
Wow, thank's for reminding me what a useless piece of garbage I was when I drank ... which makes the miracle of my sober day today even that much more miraculous ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes. I'm like Pappy... Looking in the mirror filled me with rage. I would stand there cursing at myself. At times, an overwhelming sadness would fill me and I'd just stare at myself like "what are you??". It's funny, for the first few weeks of sobriety, I would look at myself in awe thinking "man, you got OLD"- haha! I never saw myself as a grown woman- I was shocked to accept the fact that I'm 36 years old - I always thought of myself as much younger. I hadn't really noticed that I'd grown up. Also- I was used to looking at myself in dark barroom mirrors - which tend to take off a few years lol. I dunno- it was very strange to me to see myself as I am. It took me longer than you, Adam and Mandm to be able to look myself in the eye and not feel disappointment for the better part of maybe 9 months. I was still disgusted with what was looking back at me. Now... I'm ok with it.
I was at the gym this morning, I was thinking about your post and this song came on, I used to look at myself in the mirror alot doing the whole never agian thing.
"See, you keep the issues but you take away the drugs And I had to find out who I really was Who I really wasn't So sick of who I was becoming Yeah, tired of running Time to look at the man in the mirror until I can learn to love him"
