A friend of mine called it this- a term I hadn't heard yet. What 'it' is? A strange, anxious, bewildered, exhausted 'WOW'... Like what the F just happened within the past year? And before that? Being in the position of looking for a job in a new arena is also adding to this. What am I qualified to do? What can I do? What have I done with the 36 years I spent on the planet prior to getting sober? Well, I drank- a lot. Nothing else mattered to me, my entire existence centered on it, every decision I made was to facilitate being a drunk. There never WAS a career, finances, property, family to lose. I was not a functional member of society, nor did I have much desire to be. The changes within me are overwhelming and insidious. There really havent been many external changes. Same job, same apartment, same body that close to a year ago was so broken down my a doctor looked at me in awe as he went down the list of nutritional deficiencies- all testable vitamins and nutrients, a serious protein deficiency- how was I sitting in front of him working 18 hour days with little complaint? Physically I am restored. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally? Better... I dont know if 'restored' is appropriate cuz I don't know if I ever had those things. I feel antsy, excited, more confident and trusting that I can make good decisions- I think. I dunno- my friend chalks this anxious off- kilter feeling to Pre Medallion Syndrome, saying it can be a 'slippery time'. Did anyone else experience this?
LMAO ... ... ... Indeed I did ... wow, I had PMS and didn't know it ... ... ...
The first year, without a drink ... wow, I never ever thought this was a possibility before ... and then my sober time approached that one year event ... I'd heard of those who went out to celebrate a year without a drink, only to wake up the next day with the 'mother' of all hangovers ... I got a little anxious ... had some doubts that I could make it, and if I did, how would I handle the next few days ??? ... My sponsor stressed that this IS a 'one day at a time' program ... if we pocket some time, that just means it's working for us ...
My first one year BD was Feb 25th, 2009 ... ... ... on Feb 13th, a Friday night, my youngest son was in a one vehicle accident, had been drinking, broke c4, c5, c6 ... yes, life flighted to a nearby hospital ... wife and i got the call @3 a.m. ... ... ... he's 285 miles away ...
During our stay at the hospital, I had to go recover his truck from a 'tow-in' lot ... keep in mind it's February @ 30 degrees outside ... I found four cold Busch beers in the back of his truck cab that were unharmed(LOL) ... ... ... Busch was my favorite beer, I thought they'd go bankrupt when I stopped drinking ... I stared at those beers for a long few minutes ... my mind was like an LP record player who's needle was skipping across the record ... I very nearly 'short-circuited' ... I went back to my truck and said the Serenity Prayer and a few others ... I did not drink over the situation ...
I thought if every anniversary is like this, I never make it to two years ... ... ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
It's never too late to start building, but yes - for me, sometimes I feel like I've been dropped in a foreign country where I don't speak the language or understand the customs. ("What do you MEAN people here don't get drunk at breakfast??") Per usual, your story is inspirational and your honesty totally refreshing. Good luck on the continued journey. -Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
This happened to me BIG TIME at around 1 year, then less so in years following.
I found that in year 1 I was working on the 1st part of the serenity prayer - Acceptance about things I couldn't change. It was all about surrender and learning how to receive support and stop spazzing out over everything. I was scared though that something big and scary was gonna come along and make me drink against my will and that fear of getting "struck drunk" carried on until I had over a year.
Then around year 2 is when I finally got courage to make some big, yet positive changes. It was no longer...wait til I get a year... It was "now what?" and it was not a bad thing. Got a new sponsor and really worked the steps. Silly dating relationship that was totally based on codependency and fear ended. Was finally single and sober for a good several months....
Now....I'm still working on the wisdom to know the difference (that last part of the serenity prayer) and I suppose that is ongoing.
P.S. - I looked back on my old posts cuz I knew I wrote one about feeling squirrely at almost 1 year sober, but I can't scroll back to the exact date...too many topics started. It does stun me about how emotional I was looking back on those posts...So many of them about people talking about me or people who really don't matter...that I'm not involved with anymore anyhow. Situations that I did wind up resolving or that came to pass. I'm far from the model of mental health but I don't get thrown nearly as easily now. I guess that does make me more of an old timer...hrm.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I'm just getting over it and it's been a month. It's a big deal, but then again it's not really. It's just what we were suppose to be doing anyway, but you have worked so hard to get here... and that makes it a HUGE DEAL! So - just stick close to the ones who love you... I have no doubt you'll make it to the other side shining : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I had it too. Right around the time I was to get my one year chip I felt so out of sorts and not settled in my own skin. It felt like a waiting for the other shoe to drop sort of feeling. It passed, thank goodness, but it was uncomfortable. I talked to some old timers about it and was reassured I was right where I was meant to be, feeling what I was meant to feel.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Thanks so much, all, for putting into words what this feeling is- as Vixen said 'waiting for the other shoe to fall'. I think that I should be walking on air and brimming with sunshine and gratitude- and I am on one hand. In the other hand I'm thinking OK so the past year was building up to this- keeping my eye on that marker. Now I'm pretty much there, and I'm feeling lost. My friends and sponser are working up this big hooplah about it... And I'm thinking and feeling like its just another 24 hours. I don't WANT the big celebration- its just another day.
It's a WE program and it's important for them to feel good also cuz they have been a part of this. Heck, I feel good about being some part of your recovery and making it to a year. Most folks don't get that far. You have received some grace from God in your ability to stay sober for this year. Celebrate it and let others do the same and then keep on truckin!!!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
"Don't Worry, Be Happy." ... ... ... ... Just keep doin' what you're doin' ... One day at a time ...
the only pressure you feel, if you feel it, is that which you put on yourself ... don't let everybody else's feelings come before how YOU feel about your past year ... you are not staying sober all this time for them, you're doing it for YOU ...
Listen to the lyrics ... sounds a lot like some of your posts!!! ... (love ya, Pappy)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
