What is it that we should say that you haven't heard before? Pray for willingness, call your sponsor, get to a meeting??? 2 recovering alcoholics, in a relationship, have to work extra hard on their individual sobriety, for it to work (sobriety). If only 1 in 20, that walks into AA, gets sober, a pair of random people staying sober together could be a 40 to 1 chance. Some will not like my math here but it is impressive in the way of making a point. When the odds are stacked against you, one must work harder. Evidently that is not happening for one or both of you. You've really got to want it and work it, to get it and keep it. don't forget to give it away.

I agree with Dean.

One nutter in a relationship is enough. It is so much harder with two. Perhaps you can review your reasons for getting and staying sober. Remember that you can get sober regardless of anyone. The important thing is to depend on your Higher Power, rather than another person. It looks like its back to the start, but you can do it.

God bless,
MikeH

Time to start fresh! Meetings: 90 in 90 days! Remember what you have learned in AA so far! I agree with Mike, depending on your HP is MOST important. Good luck Dori...I hope you find your way back to sanity :)

PhotoP the question you asked has not a lot to do with your sobriety, that's an Alanon question. Your sobriety is yours, his is his. It's possible for you to stay sober and learn to live with his drinking, if he's not abusive or self destructive. Like MikeH said, we can't use our significant other as a Higher Power. Trouble is it's second nature for us to do it so we really must be vigilant not to and practice otherwise. Get busy with your program and build a support group of other people actively staying sober. Once you're in the groove, what he does will not seem to mater as much. Set an example and he may follow, but it's not a requirement of your sobriety, not a big deal. You can do it.

A close friend of mine in the program has a spouse who drinks daily, and for years she used him and his drinking as her reason for not being able to get sober. One day, she decided she was done. Period. Whether he drank or not, she was going to stop. She has 5 1/2 months, has worked the steps up to 8, which she is on now, and chairs a meeting once a week. She goes to at least 5 face to face meetings a week, if not more. She forces herself to go to a lot of different meetings, as that is out of her comfort zone. In short, she is willing to do whatever it takes for her to stay sober. She feels great, looks great, and is learning to live her life free from alcohol. Her husband still drinks daily. She no longer bases her decision to drink or not drink on his actions, but rather on her own. She loves her husband, and doesn't plan on leaving him or trying to get him to stop drinking. Today, she's learning how to love herself more. Keep trying, you know what to do. We're here for you, and so are the folks in your local meetings. Good luck & (((hugs))).

Good Morning all! Thanks for your replies and kind words.
I am at work, doing my usual Saturday double. The owner sends out daily emails, usually they are so sappy I feel slightly ill. However, this mornings email hit home.
"Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What is a Sundial in the shade?" Benjamin Franklin
Made me think, what use am I in the shade of the bottle?

So, I start again today! :)

Dori,

You might want to check out the alanon board too. I participate there also: I actually posted the following there a while back:

I know there are "double winners" on this site, but in responding to other people and their threads, I keep feeling different for several reasons. Mostly, I think it's because I was just as big a drunk as my qualifier and then actually worse towards the end. My reaction to his drinking and our lives spinning out of control was to also drink. It became the last thing we were connecting together on. I actually drank to save the relationship if that makes any sense at all. I lost myself so deeply in that relationship and my self esteem went so low that I drank to feel nothing. As we both progressed in our alcoholism, my ex started having more health problems and he would start choking and passing out at random. He hit the floor like a ton of bricks several times and smashed his face. I would sometimes wait until he was "safe" in bed and then get plastered myself. I would drink in the car on the way home from work sometimes too and I did try and hide that a few times until I realized he was drunk too so then it was like "Yay! You're drunk too! Let's party!" It went on that way until it got so pathetic and messy and screaming fights, car accidents, and ugly drama was the norm whereas it started out as us being a "fun bar couple" always going out to bars and partying together. Thank God for the moment of clarity I had.

Not sure how many of you can identify with a double drunk trainwreck. I don't think this makes me "special" in any way. It's not a good kind of "unique." Not sure what having this type of history means for me in alanon but I'm still figuring it out. I know for sure alcohol wrecked me from all directions though.

Thanks for letting me share this.

Mark

Sending you prayers for strength Dori....Time to get busy.