I remember thinking this time last week, while being heavily intoxicated already (11:27) that this was the start of a great weekend. I had just gotten out of the hospital the night before for taking around 16 or so pills because I was ridiciously drunk and fighting with my husband (attention getter). I had a follow up appointment a few hours before I started drinking that morning and I thought if I can just get through tonight, tomorrow I am going to quit drinking. My boss was going to let me have the night off but I decided by noon (liquid courage) that I could make it through the night at work. I had to be at the restaurant at 4:00 so I left the house around 3:30 so I could pick up another pint of vodka...just in case I needed a few drinks at work. About mid-way through my shift I was so intoxicated that I just couldn't handle the dinner rush and the constant mistakes being made by myself. I decided to leave...management and I were not getting along. I wonder why? Before I left I went to the staff bathroom and took my pint out of the trash can, that was my hiding spot, and took a few GULPS before heading home. Surprisingly I did not stop at the liquor store on my home as I had a little more left in my bottle for the next morning hangover. I got home and it was more than apparent that I was drunk again. My husband once again was furious with me and we again began to fight, and all of this was in front of my son again. I was so upset that I took a knife and starting cutting the top of my wrist. My husband took all of the knives and hid them while I passed out on the couch. The next morning I woke up and immediately the guilt, shame and disappointment in myself began. Couple that with an extreme hangover and anxiety that my husband was going to leave me and take my son I decided that I had to do something else. I prayed to make it just for that day without picking up. I took it hour by hour. My life once again completely spiraled out of control and very quickly this time. All of this happened in around a week of hard drinking. I looked up AA in my area and because I was not feeling so well attended my first meeting online. I went to my first live meeting the next night.
As I was watching my son eating his lunch today I realized that once again it's the simple things in life that make me happy. Seeing him happy and knowing that I am able to be a productive and attentive mother today...words cannot describe the emotions I felt. I have had the most amazing week. And I was clean and sober! I have found my way back into the rooms of AA and I am sincerely grateful that I have a program filled with people who can relate and support me through what is going to be a tough road to follow. I have lot's of work to do, but at least I know that as long as I don't pick up that first drink that those things I need to work on are attainable. I am feeling very blessed today and I know my higher power really does have a plan for me! So just for today I am going to be grateful for just another day to be "REALLY" alive.
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"Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves.They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision."
I loved it. Just what I needed to hear... the program works! I do not have to be hiding in the laundry room finding my bottle under the dirty clothes in the washing machine, and pretending to fold laundry that is already folded ; ) Not today! Thanks for the post!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
What I left out of that story was that sometime during the night I woke up...still very much drunk and searched my WHOLE house inside and out to find another bottle of liquor that I thought I would need for the next morning. I would hide them everywhere...closets, pots and pans, my sons toy box, in the laundry room (I had to laugh at that Tasha)! But for some reason when there would normally be another around somewhere...I could not find one at all. HP definitely had intervened! You guys have no idea how much you have helped me this week! Thanks to all!
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"Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves.They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision."
I was a wine drinker but towards the end I always had a pint of vodka stashed somewhere. My husband would know when I opened a bottle of wine in the evening so, if I wanted to drink before then, I would take a couple of chugs from the vodka bottle. We had a very nice bottle of vodka in the pantry and after the wine was gone for the night I would take a few chugs from it and then water it down so he didn't see any was missing. I don't miss those days one bit but I cherish remembering them because they keep me sober today.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I use to water down the liquor bottles too! I guess I feel like I really have tried it all! I am a grateful alcoholic today!
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"Most people are not really free. They are confined by the niche in the world that they carve out for themselves.They limit themselves to fewer possibilities by the narrowness of their vision."
