Good morning John. I'm pickin up what you're layin down. I get that way from time to time. I don't know what causes it. It just happens. I just hang on to my ass with both hands and ride it out knowing this too shall pass. When I'm just ok I remind myself that it's all right to be jsut ok because it's a damn sight better then I used to be. Like you I find other things to do and ocupy my mind because the more I dwell on it and try to figure it out the worse it gets. I don't always know what to do but I know what not to do and that's a big part of the battle. I've learned when this happens it's just another good opportunity to call on God. He never hits the ignore button and I never get a busy signal. I'll be chairing a meeting tonight come join us.
-- Edited by Bob K on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 06:26:35 AM
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Tell me and I'll forget. Teach me and I'll remember. Involve me and I'll learn.
I have not been posting or replying to post lately, mainly because I'm in a bad funk. I read some of the stuff here and on a few of the other boards on MIP and I get overwhelmed, like I have nothing to contribute that could possibly help anyone else, and I don't want to dump my "stuff" here when so many others need the time and attention of the forums members. Not that I even really know what my "stuff" is at the moment. I can't even put my finger on what is wrong with me. Nothing great and beautiful is going on, but then nothing pressing and ugly either. Just standard "middle of the road" stuff.
I have never been able to get myself out of a depressive mode by sitting by myself, thinking of myself, (trust me when I say I know that doesn't work very well), so I have been avoiding that as much as possible, by working jobs as they come available (which has been relatively good lately), going to meetings, talking to a few people on the phone, worked Step 1 and 2 with a new sponsee, cleaning my home by shampooing the carpet, doing the dishes, pretending I can cook and making a few meals, doing a little work on my car, changing the brakes on my work truck, getting a hair cut, took a lady out to dinner, and even painted my first picture in over 2 years. It didn't turn out great, but then it beats opening my closet and seeing a blank canvas and paints and shutting the door on them again. My anxiety level seems to hang out around a 6 on a 1-10 scale throughout most of the day, and I have been waking up to finding myself having a damn anxiety attack within just a few moments of opening my eyes and getting out of bed. They are not real intense (of course don't try to tell me that while I'm in it) nor are they lasting more than a few moments. But again, absolutely nothing I can point at that would justify them or allows me to make any sense out of them. They just are. I get centered the best I can, do my morning prayer, spend a few minutes mediating and start my day. Yet I feel like I am just going through the motions. Not with any enthusism, excitement, ambition... just moving through the days the best I can.
If I didn't tell anyone that this is what I'm going through each day for over a week now, they would never be able to guess it. And when I do tell someone about it, they act like I have got to be kidding... because they can't see my insides. They only see what I present on the outside. I am not one who wallows in it, that entertains it and puts a show on with it. So, I kinda feel like the decorated garbage can. All stinky and funky inside, but boy do I look good on the outside!
So, anyways... I'm getting my day started today. It's 6:15am. Coffee is ready in the kitchen and smells pretty darn good. I don't have a job scheduled for today but I have two scheduled for tomorrow and one for Saturday and another for Monday. I am going to find something to do with myself this morning that at least allows me to feel productive and moving forward... out of and away from this damn funkiness!
John
PS. Here is the picture I painted. Like I said its not very good, as I couldn't find all my paints and none of my good brushes, just had to work with what I could put my hands on quickly, but at least I gave it a shot.
I have a suggestion ... I remember your video of where you used to live ... you remember??? ... under the Bridge???
Try reviewing that video where you took us through your typical day back then ... for me, just to reflect on where I came from, can put a whole NEW perspective on my 'outlook' ... it helps me see things from a different window, different angle, if you will ... ... ... gratitude list?, maybe ... but to me, there is day and night difference from you then and you now ... you've come a long way ...
I pray your dog is doing well ... ... ... mine gave me an ear and nose bath with her tongue this a.m. to get me up ... don't need a damn 'alarm clock' ...
Love ya man and God Bless,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
In support John! I can also get in a funk once in awhile without any reasonable explanation. Sometimes I try hard to figure it out, and it makes it woarse. Maybe there's no explanation. Don't know. Taking a look/check at the maintanaince steps 10-12 and a gratitude list are good starting points. Sounds like you have the triangle covered: Unity, Service & Recovery? As Bob mentioned, at times it's just o.k. to be o.k. for me. No pressing issues, no burning bushes, no over excitement etc............. That's what I'm looking for right? Peace and serenity! I believe at times my mind wants something to be going on that I can FOCUS on. Oh no, not good.
Sometimes I need to have an off day or two to realize when I'm having a good one. Without it, I don't appreciate the good days as much! Prayers sent your way my friend!
