" wonder if the nice me was a dream. 2 and a bit years of being someone useful and productive has dribbled away, and now - I'm sad to say - that I can only pretend to be that person. That's the scariest and most baffling part of it all."
Frodo it's quite the other way around. The 5% is your authentic self and the bad "dream" is the disease. It's natural for an alcoholic to want to drink but quite unnatural what it does to us. Do some writing first thing in the morning, when you're clear headed. Reasons why you want to be sober and what will happen if you continue to drink. Get it down on paper that "this disease will kill me, but first is will take every thing I have and drag me over hot coals in the process." Use this for motivation. Then write your life goals and realize that alcohol is keeping you from them. Alcohol is your jailer not your liberator. Get back to meetings and in to the middle of the Program.
I'm missing you too here brother.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 1st of May 2013 11:27:46 AM
Well. It might not all come together right away but staying sober is living in the solution. You are pretty resourceful and strong. This too shall pass and I am confident you could be feeling and seeing things 100 percent differently within a few weeks of being sober again.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Frodo, your wanted, needed and loved here- no matter what! You're a friend and loved one here! Remember: Alone I stay sick, together miracles happen! Hope to hear from you soon. Prayers sent your way.
I feel dirty. Weird, but I really do. The doors of my group shrunk the moment I slipped even though there was only love inside.
I feel a million miles away from my creator but I feel like I'm on auto pilot. I have 5% of me doing what it wants and 95% of me doing the horror movie 'no. don't do it. don't open the door!'
But that 5% seems to run the show when it feels like it.
I'm scared. I really am. My descent from sensible nice guy to lying selfish prick happened so quickly. I wonder if the nice me was a dream. 2 and a bit years of being someone useful and productive has dribbled away, and now - I'm sad to say - that I can only pretend to be that person. That's the scariest and most baffling part of it all.
I only wanted to not be an alcoholic for a day or so. That was the plan. 6 weeks later...
The other funny (and sad, I think) thing is that every thing that I'd been working toward (a whole bunch of stuff) was just coming together in a way that was beautiful to watch. It's there but it's also not if I can't fix this in the next little bit. The it'll be gone like so much other wasted opportunities.
I'm coming back if can. I wanted to post here about what was happening but I couldn't find the words. Then I saw this today and the dam burst.
The - and only - bright side is that AA has ruined my drinking. My body and mind might like it but my soul is howling. I hope my soul can beat the weakness of the flesh because if I cant I'm in a world of hurt.
Don't pray for me. I'll work out my own peace with the universe. But if you must pray for my kids. If I go down they don't have much left to help them. Pray for Cam and Elizabeth that they may soon have a dad worthy of them.
Sending prayers for you and your family. Lots of them.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Yes Frodo - it wasn't an act, and you were doing pretty damn good to be going it at without real help from a sponsor or doing any of steps 4-12! Give yourself a fair chance at this thing dear one : ) And do it! There isn't anything the rest of us haven't done. At our banquet, one of the speakers shared that he had sex with his passed out wife - essentially raped her while she was out - another guy shared he had done it with not just the wrong person, but the wrong species! Okay - so man - there just isn't anything to be afraid of. These people have a disease that makes them do bad stuff. Bad stuff does not mean bad person. You have a disease and that is separate from YOU. It's a common disease, and luckily, it has a common solution. You take a cough drop when you have a cough. You take the 12 steps when you have alcoholism. Simple, but not easy.
You're right. Your kids do deserve a great dad, and they've got one. One who loves them very deeply, and can do the 12 steps just like millions of others have and benefit from them. I believe in you - totally. You're awesome.. you're smart - you're have a great way with words... you have an inspiring story... you have the ability to do this thing! We need you... I know I need my friend here... I think we all do.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It's so good to see you posting again ... ... ... and I want to thank you for going out and finding out how good it ain't, for me ... ... ...
I am glad you made it back, so many of us don't ... you know the routine, the program, the steps, the old sayings, and the quotes ... so I'll just tell you to go back being the best 'orange' that you can be ... tell the 'old' Frodo to get lost and tell the 'new' Frodo, it's time for action ... you know the deal, we don't have to preach it to you ...
It hurt our group here to know that you were in a bad way, and not be able to reach out and touch you ... you know we are limited by distance ... but MIP is right now, reaching across the ocean to lift you up in 'spirit' ... as God is my witness, you should be feeling our strength coming to you right now ... our spirit through God will lift you to newer heights ... you will soar again soon with the eagles ...
My prayers will be for you as well as for Cam and Elizabeth ... you know, my prayers for your kids cannot be answered unless you return to being the dad they need ??? ... What do you say brother ??? Ready for some healing? ... it's time for you to get to work, get on your knees and pray for help ... and it will come!
Love you brother and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
If you're done with drinking, I would much rather see you as an example of what can happen when and alcoholic takes the steps, than as an example of what happens to an alcoholic who doesn't.
I know there are (supposedly) those who recover without the steps but I don't know any who have really suceeded. Those who are trying seem to find it inredibly tiring and restricting, they don't seem to get the freedom that this program offers.
Take it from me, the steps are the easier softer way, and so rewarding too.
Feeling saner than yesterday, and yesterday felt saner than the day before, so I think that's a good thing.
I've been going to meetings sporadically because I felt like a vampire in a tanning salon, but the other day I went and really felt like that was were I needed to be for the first time in over a month. That made a big difference to my head space.
I'm around too. Just rarely have the words to explain where I'm at, but I'm around and even though I'm in fruitcake mode I'm still looking out for you all.
Oh and Tasha - no matter how bad it gets the livestock will still be off the 'to do' list. :)
Welcome back,Frodo!! Great to hear from you- keep in touch... I know exactly what you mean by 'not having the words'- sometimes its impossible to articulate where ones head is at. That's ok, though, cuz we will listen even if you think it doesn't make sense-we've all been there :) lots of love and prayers sent your way, and for Cam and Elizabeth, as well.
Yes, well said Col - and Frodo - I'm so glad to hear you're feeling less like a vampire in a tanning salon - LLOLLLLOLOLOL haven't heard that one before... I'm totally stealing that! I love the way you word things... and write things... I'm so glad you're back!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I shared with someone the other day that I was so sick with this disease, that I attended one or more meetings a day for almost 2 years ... when I knew the desire had been lifted from me, I then went about balancing my time with friends and family and AA, but not before ... ... ...
Oh yeah, ... I agree with Tasha ... stay out of the barnyard, you don't need the wool ... ... ... LMAO
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
