One of the worst mornings of my early drinking life was waking up in the basement of a friend's house the night after a party she was hosting while her parents were away for the weekend. I had arrived to the party at around 8pm and immediately began taking shots of vodka and chain smoking cigarettes in the back yard. The marathon of shots began to blur the evening into a mess of incoherent light streaks and music. The last thing I remembered before passing out was stumbling through the kitchen while people were laughing at me. When I finally woke up on the floor in the basement, I noticed that my shoes were sitting in the corner, soaking wet. They smelled like urine. I'm not sure if it was mine or if something even more humiliating had happened during my black out. I never asked. My mouth felt like a swamp and my head was raging with pain. The rest of the house was quiet and I decided to leave. As I was stepping out of the front door, I noticed with horror that my friend's parents were pulling into the driveway, blocking my car in. Having no choice but to own what I had done, I sat down in the grass, wearing my pissed-on shoes, and started smoking a cigarette. Her parents knew what was going on and I tried to jokingly confess that we thought they wouldn't be coming back until the following day. This sort of experience was not atypical when I first started drinking, but for some reason this particular experience made me feel profound shame that I return to a lot nowadays when I need a reminder of why I need to be sober. What I find really baffling is how experiences like this can be seen as "fun drunken memories" to folks like me back then. I guess we justify our experiences and behavior so we feel less bad about the stupid things we did.
It has been a long time since anything like that has happened to me. As I got older, my drinking became more contained and discrete. It still elicited similar amounts of shame, but I think I managed to convince myself for a long time that my drinking was "normal" as long as it wasn't attracting attention. Anyway, as I approach my amends-making step (it'll be a while, but I'm thinking about it), it'll be interesting to decide who I should and should not make amends with. I guess part of me just wants to apologize for being so stupid to so many people, I wouldn't even know where to begin. I want to apologize to friends and acquaintences, parents of friends, former co-workers, and pretty much anyone else who saw me act ridiculous. At the same time, I don't want to put people in the awkward position of having to tell me that "it wasn't so bad" or that it was "fine." Maybe just letting it go and demonstrating growth to the people I'm close to is the best option. I think there is a big difference in the relationships I have had with these people and the people I legitimately hurt and need very much to make amends with. I'm not sure where the "apologizing for acting stupid" thing fits in with recovery, or if it does, but I'd love to hear peoples' thoughts.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
You are one it the 'others'. Will making amends hurt you? Will making amends harm those you have harmed? That is what your Sponsor is for. Your Sponsor or another will listen to you and hear what you say. God will also hear you.
Why do we make amends? To absolve ourselves of guilt? No. We admit and own that we have hurt ourselves and others.
I made amends so I would not do what you described. I have done the same thing. Am I making sense?
I have a lot of incidents like the ones you describe in my colourful drinking history. All sorts of adventures that left me feeling a lot of shame. For me, I got rid of a lot of that stuff in my steps four and five, and I don't have to hold on to that shame anymore. For me it was about identifying patterns and there wasn't anyone in particular to make amends to in those cases. I had acted like a moron but I hadn't hurt anyone (except for myself).
What you wrote is making me think about the reality that apologizing to people in that capacity would be self-serving. The people I am thinking about were likely not harmed by my behavior, but just watched it play out. And yes, it is not their job to make me feel better about myself.
That helped a lot.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Thanks, Ruby. I think I'm feeling very much in that place of wanting to start letting go of a lot of it. Like I wrote in an earlier post, I am sitting with a lot of these feelings in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with them to begin the process of overcoming them - which is something the early steps are helping with a lot.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Adam, I felt the same way. When I was working on my step four over a number of weeks I felt really unsettled and kind of mired in all of the bad feelings of the past - shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear- you know the drill. It was a very emotional process. Step five really was a revelation. My overwhelming feeling was 'I don't have to hold on to all of this stuff anymore!' Saying all of that stuff aloud to another person and then being willing to have it all removed from me really made it lose its power.
I made amends to my Mom. I told her I was sorry for what I had put her through. I harmed her, I stole from her. She listened to me and let it go. That is part of the amends. She was able to let how I had harmed her go. Part of the amends is to not do what WE have done again. One Day At A Time.
That makes a lot of sense. And I think I am definitely approaching that place of needing to do that in the near future. I started making my moral inventory last week, which is proving to be a huge process that is also digging up a lot of these feelings. It's interesting because overwhelming secrecy was a central component of my drinking, and so the idea of having that conversation with my sponsor is something that I find incredibly scary. At the same time, it seems like the only way to face so much of the unsettling pieces of my life and begin the process of letting it go. Thanks again for the insight.
-Adam
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When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
Hey Adam, It's also a matter of fact thing just as much as an emotional thing. These things occurred because you drank. To stop drinking, you have to follow the steps. When I explained to those I had harmed what I was trying to do, and was just as honest as I could be with no attempt to hide my culpability, I was amazed how open people were to the process. I honestly wanted to go to a recent High School reunion and just take the stage and the mike and mass apologize just to make sure that the many people I hurt without me knowing/remembering it got covered. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Most of the party goers in your story would probably thank you for providing the 'entertainment' for the night ... although by the end, they were probably embarrassed for you ... ... I think an amends is due the girl whose house you were in and her parents for sure ... something simple as I was not thinking to good when I did those things and if it hurt you in any way, then I want you to know I'm deeply sorry ...
and the party goers you may run into? ... just let a 'living amends' show that you have turned things around and that you have regained some sanity ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Teenagers having a party...I think their daughter owed them the amends most of all. She had people over to the house to get drunk and that is what all of you did. They might not remember that or, depending on where their daughter is and what not, they might not want to remember. I would make amends if you damaged their property, hurt someone, stole something of theirs, but you just peed on your shoes and humiliated yourself. One of you amends will need to be to yourself for putting yourself in these shameful situations.
As far as the secrecy of your drinking - that is one to work out with your wife mostly cuz she is the one person I think you tried to hide it from the most....but again, shame is mostly a binding and trapping of the self so that is also an amends to make to yourself.
Accumulating more sober time and living life as an honest person will also provide clarity because you will intuitively know who you need to make amends to and you will be able to do it from a stand point of being able to say more than just 'sorry" but also "I'm not that person anymore."
If I were you, I'd be looking foward to getting this all out with my sponsor. What's the fear? You think he doesn't understand trying to hide his drinking? Puhleese....That is the nature of the beast Adam. It doesn't make it right at all but we have all lied about, tried to conceal, minimize, and flat out deny our drinking patterns.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
P.S. - My worst memory of this type is when me and my partner were invited to a gathering at one of his friends/business partners condo. I got so trashed I broke several of her potted plants, I smashed a glass on the floor and she had 2 dogs that were walking on the glass and was freaking out while I was just wasted and having a good old time. I think I passed out in her bad for a while. That was the most horrible behavior. I did make an amends but "sorry" doesn't say a lot. I have to live with just knowing I won't do that again and it's further evidence of what an a-hole alcohol turns me into.
I also hooked up with my partners best friend while wasted and he walked in on the middle of that. Also pretty bad. I tried to kiss a bartender while he was in the bathroom and he came out and saw that happening too. I was such jerk. He was an alcoholic too but he never cheated on me like that (he did other horrible stuff). Lots of it was water under the bridge cuz we were so crappy to each other....but I did have to make amends for the infidelity. It all occurred in our last couple months together and right before I got sober (when my drinking was at it's worst) but that didn't make it okay and it was a horrible way to end a 7 year relationship.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
For some amends make sure you do them soon--especially if the person is sick, or has a life threating illness. I made the mistake of waiting and a few people were gone. I ended up writing letters, then going to that persons gravesite and reading the letter then talking/crying over the area. For someone that I was real close too I took a book that had been suggested and read it over their grave.
I am under the reason for amends is to clear ones own soul. Some you just have to make before the person is gone.
Adam, I was sober for a few years. I am newly sober. I stopped walking the walk and talking the talk.
at some point we start "living the life". biggest thing is to not take life or our ourselves too seriously. when we can begin to laugh at ourself and how silly we were with our false pride, the wall begins to come down. have fun being sober, that's what it's all about.
Adam, I was sober for a few years. I am newly sober. I stopped walking the walk and talking the talk.
at some point we start "living the life". biggest thing is to not take life or our ourselves too seriously. when we can begin to laugh at ourself and how silly we were with our false pride, the wall begins to come down. have fun being sober, that's what it's all about.
Very true. That is why I laugh anymore. Mostly this last week.
