"Sometimes you're the wind; sometimes you're the bug; sometimes you're the windshield. Experience is what I get when I don't get what I want." -Pocket Sponsor
I read this quote recently and it made me think a lot about alcohol and the effect that it has had on my sense of "experience" throughout the past ten years of my life. In reflecting on how alcohol has worked for me, I am realizing that I have not sincerely and genuinely "experienced" much except alcohol abuse because every time something hard has come up for me, I have drank myself into oblivion. Any time I have gotten into a serious conversation with my wife, any time something bad has come up at work, any time something difficult has happened with my family... instead of experiencing it, learning from it, and growing, I have gotten plastered and woken up with vague memories of what I was experiencing. The problems were always still there, but numbing them with alcohol always made them seem a little more harmless because at any point I could temporarily erase the pain by getting drunk again. Considering we learn and grow in life by experiencing difficult situations and moving beyond them, I am astounded by how much learning and growing I have not done in the past ten years.
For the past three months of sobriety, I have found myself in many situations in which I used to would have gotten drunk. Now I that I am sitting with my anxiety and fear, I am finding myself feeling myself learning more about myself than I ever did before. It's hard, though. I have always been an anxiety sufferer and for such a long time I would get so drunk every night that I would pass out and "sleep" through the whole night - and then start drinking again during the day. Recently I have been waking up in the middle of the night, anxious - and really embracing it, asking for help from HP, and eventually letting it pass. It's a major challenge to be okay with that, but it is SO much better than waking up hung over.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that I sort of feel like I am being reborn into the world of "experience" because now I cannot run away from it. I'm thinking this will probably, ultimately, lead me to become a better person. But yowsers - it's amazing what sorts of things we can avoid in our head for such a long time by drinking.
-Adam
__________________
When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
What you just shared is precisely why they tell us that we have the emotions of a child when we come into AA ... when our addiction took us over, we ceased to grow and mature emotionally and otherwise ... now that the drink is out of the equation, we are beginning to grow where we left off when our addiction took over ... (some of us have a lot of growing up to do ... LOL ... me ...)
Oh, ... I've been waking up lately in the middle of the night too ... anybody out there know what 'Lasik' does to you ??? ... ... ... yep, makes your body dump a lot of liquid ... ... ... so I have to get up at @ 3a.m. every morning and pee, like the old man I'm becoming ... so count your blessings ... ... ... as soon as I finished working the steps of AA, I began sleeping like a baby all night long ... in fact, I find it so easy to fall asleep, I have to be very careful at meetings now ... it is so cool to be at total 'peace' with yourself ...
I guess you made it back from Italy in one piece, eh? ... ... ...
Love ya Bro and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
That definitely makes a lot of sense! Thanks for the insight.
And yes - I made it back and am glad to be home. Since getting back on Sunday night I have had zero interest in drinking, which is great. Home is where I have music and books and good movies and places like this to connect with good people. Spending a full week with heavy drinking in-laws (all while having no internet or phone connection) was tough, but I also feel like if I was able to get through that without giving in, I'm doing okay with my program :)
To be totally honest, checking in with MIP and reading other peoples' posts periodically helped a LOT.
-Adam
__________________
When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spiritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one.-Paul Brunton
I believe it when they say our emotional growth stops at about the same age as when we started drinking and using other chemicals that help us not to "feel". We never really learn to deal with and process emotions and situations properly. We where spiritually sick and emotionally bankrupt.
When we deal with difficult emotions and situations without drinking, growth can occur. The major growth seems to occur in those first few months and years dealing with all of these things in sobriety. The steps and tools of AA will help us to better process things. They tell us God won't give us anything we can't handle and this has been true for myself.
When difficulties arise today, I know I can deal with anything and not take a drink. I ask God for strength and the right answers will come. We might need to do a mini-inventory are we dealing with fear, self pity, resentment, lack of faith, trying to control the show or other character defects?
Living with anger and resentment/ negative emotions equals us being back into selfcenteredness...the root of our troubles, we are cut of from the sunlight of the spirt and of course, our goal of the growth and maintenance of a spiritual experience.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
