I know that my sobriety is my own responsibility, but when I've been to meetings, I've heard so many of the old-timers talking about how they found someone who really kicked their butt and made sure they attended meetings. When I've found sponsors, I found people who really didn't call me. I called them. I had a sponsor actually try to be employed by me. That just seems wrong on so many levels.
I need to get serious and get sober.
Here I sit. I'm really sick because of my drinking, I've been doing it for close to 25 years. My husband is an amazing man that I'm not worthy of, and he has provided me with the home of my dreams and so much to look forward to. But, still, I'm drinking myself to death. I appear really sober and functional to everone in my world, because I'm eloquent regardless of my condition, but I really need to stop drinking. I know you're probably thinking "yeah, right. Everyone knows you're drunk. You're kidding yourself." But people who know me hire me to handle a certain business for them, and they honestly WOULDN'T if they knew what a screw up I am.
I've had enough alcohol, tonight, to make the average person pass out. I really need to stop. I need to have my life back.
Help? What do I do... who do I call? I really think I just need someone I can be accountable to, who might kick my butt when I want to slink back into isolation and self-medication.
Thank you, Dori. I'm emptying out and I'm going to take a couple benedryl to go to sleep. I probably shouldn't reach for the benedryl, but I have sleep issues.
I appreciate you reaching out. I'm exhausted and unwell. Thank you! I'll be back tomorrow.
Hi Janey, Welcome to MIP ... ... ... you caught the very end of our meeting tonight ... glad you came here ...
Alcoholism is not a respecter of persons ... white, black, rich or poor ... it can manifest itself in any of us ... I suggest you attend some meetings and get to know the group members well enough that you can zero in on someone that has been around the block a few times AND who seems to be enjoying sobriety ... someone who is well adjusted ... then ask them to sponsor you ...
You must be willing to go to any length to get and stay sober ... the disease of alcoholism is 'fatal' ... Get an AA big Book and read the 1st 164 pages ... our program is laid out in this book ... it works 100% of the time when we work it ...
You have your solution before you ... all that's left is to pick up this kit of spiritual tools and use them ... We are here for your support when you need us ...
Love ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Oh, I should probably mention about the 'sleep' thing ... depending on our drinking habits, when we stop, sleep will be extremely hard to get ... anywhere from a few days to a few months to get back to a normal sleep schedule ... It's all part of the 'detox' process ... ... ... just so you know!!!
Personally??? ... it took about 2 1/2 months for me to get where I could lay down and just fall asleep ... now?, I can just be still for a few moments and I'm 'out' like a light ... LOL
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hi Janey, I would pray for willingness. Honestly you have a lot to lose before the average drunk would want to get sober. We just don't roll into AA willing to do whatever it takes (90 meetings in 90 days, work the 12 steps in order, call a sponsor and take direction, pray to a higher power....) because our self esteem has a few dings. Hi bottom drunks really have to work to be willing, otherwise it'll take some catestrophic loss to get their attention. Developing a belief (and fear) that this disease will kill you would help, rather than it being some inconvienent truth.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Wednesday 24th of April 2013 07:26:44 AM
I hope you read your replies today... some excellent things said already.
You're just what I needed when I needed it, because I too, was married to a wonderful man, had a beautiful home, 2 healthy children and anything I needed in life. A loving family and friends... jobs... people who looked up to me and hired me because they thought I was 'good'.
(I still have all that - you don't have to lose everything - but this disease will take it all away eventually somehow.)
And I don't think you're crazy to think no one knows. NO ONE knew, but my husband eventually, and my Mother who was in Alanon years ago when she was with my alcoholic dad, and was taking a guess based off one phone call where I seemed too nice to her! LOL - can you imagine that... my poor mother... if I'm nice, I must be drinking? Sad, sad, sad truth. Thank the world for the steps, and for a way to learn how to make all that better... I didn't see how it could ever really get better. None of it. And I didn't understand how people could want to live without drinking even though I was so sick of drinking... I could not imagine not living with it. I was stuck. Damned if I do - damned if I don't. Sound familiar?
So anyway - it seemed like... if I wasn't happy with all this wonderful stuff in life... what was going to make me happy? I was doing the job I always wanted to do - teaching music - working with kids... I had the car I wanted, the clothes everyone wanted... eh... that was just stuff. I had stuff, and I had love, and I hated myself anyway. Didn't see a reason to get out of bed most mornings.
Then my husband told everyone - all my family members and his, that I was an alcoholic. They were shocked. They had no clue and my friends still don't know to this day. I was a closet drinker, I literally drank in my closet a couple of times... mostly the laundry room.
Now I've made it into my 2nd year of sobriety, and to tell you the truth... it's been an exciting year. I've learned a lot. The steps helped me find a HP, and I never in a million years could have imagined that would happen! I am not religious still, but I have a very real belief in a higher power. My own conception - which is all it takes.
The steps also allowed me to figure out who I am, and how I tick, and why I am such an unappreciative ornery, nit-picky yet loving and perfect (perfectionist) person. How I could look and appear so perfect to everyone else, yet be dieing inside, and killing myself secretly and slowly. Even though I'm still that person, and I can still gravitate toward that, like last night (I don't know how much of our conversation you caught or remember from the meeting online) I can talk about it. I can share it honestly and let it all hang out. I can take off my masks and just say how I'm feeling, and know that I'm safe to do so. People care, and will try and guide me in the right direction, when I'm too far out in a funk to do it myself. I need that. Most of the time, I'm pretty darn happy with my life and who I am these days. Sometimes all my old crap sneaks back in, because I have this dang ol' disease of alcoholism that is trying to get me to drink when I least expect it.
So today - no matter what - and unlike before - I share what's going on. I get some people on my side. I do what's best for me... instead of drinking quietly and silently into a sleep I don't really care if I ever wake up from. I work the steps - I get around people to tell me I need to work them in my daily life, because I forget all the time - so I go to lots of meetings to be reminded. Otherwise, it's like my disease will make me forget on purpose so it can win and make me drink. My sponsor still after all this time never calls me... I call her... and that's how I show I'm willing... and she allows me to feel that way! She allows me to feel proud that I keep calling and calling no matter what... and I gain a little self confidence and self esteem... even a little self worth. Sometimes people love you by doing it in a way we can't even appreciate at first... give it time though... soon that will be you doing it for someone else...
It's like a dream sometimes, because it gets so good, I think I don't deserve it and I do little things unknowingly to self sabotage... but at least I know why now - again thanks to step work. My parents separated 12 times before they finally divorced. I never knew if I was coming or going - or who else was either. We moved out... we moved back in... everything seemed good... then it was over. Nothing stayed good in my life... it just got worse again eventually. But, today I can believe that things will stay good if I continue to work this program of recovery. Things aren't going to blow up in my face all the time... I was a kid then... now I have an all loving parent, my higher power... who doesn't jerk me around. Things really can be different... and I don't have to repeat the crazy cycle like I was unknowingly doing for so long.
The steps and reading the big book helped me figure all this out. This is a really long post, but you see... you're a little gift to me. This is just what I needed to remember... just when I needed it too... I was starting to forget again. We help others... and in turn help ourselves by telling ourselves what it was like, and what it's like now. It helps for me to hear my own story now and again... to see how far I've come... and it helps for me to hear other people's stories too. Open AA speaker meetings are a great place to start hearing that. Beginners meetings allowed me to finally feel at home, and now I've moved on to steps and traditions meetings, and stuff that used to be way over my head. There is always more to learn. It can get old... but only if you let it. I think I have been letting it lately... not keeping a good balance... but I know what to do about that now thanks to you - and thanks to the people on this site - and thanks to my HP who always seems to be there when I need it.
I'm glad you're here... and I'm glad I'm here. I'm hoping to hear more from you. It seems that you truly want help, and that's the most important thing to always remember in my opinion: I have a desire to be a sober person today. I tell myself that every day still. It only takes a second... and it makes me remember why I am here, and why I need to keep coming back.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Only you know yourself. If you really had a sponsor that "kicked your butt," would you put up with them or fire them? Most of the folks that I hear saying that have really only had sponsors that held them accountable like you are saying. My first sponsor did tell me things like "I am not cosigning your bulls##t" and "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" and he also would tell me if I was late to meetings "I will get you are watch as a present" for you (1 month, 3 month, 6 month) anniversary. Some may refer to that as the type of sponsor that was "kicking my ass" but at the same time, he took my calls daily and listened to an awful lot of my whining until I gained tools, perspective, and the sober ability to frame and solve some of my own problems (also until I gained more faith in a higher power).
Speaking from my experience, it's typically your job to call your sponsor not their job to call you. I only call a sponsee if I haven't heard from them for a few days, but after doing that once or twice, I will stop. They have to learn to utilize a sponsor and not have a sponsor babysit them.
With regard to sleep issues, I told myself that if I cut out alcohol, I would still function better in the mornings and the rest of the day because it beat being hungover and I'd worked on days that I was both hung over and tired from not sleeping well and this was an improvement. It took a few months to settle into regular sleep. When I stopped drinking, my cigarette smoking and caffiene use shot up so both those are stimulants that keep you awake... I was so used to just using uppers and downers throughout the day (even if they are more socially acceptable ones). I could not stand my moods or the thoughts running through my head and it took daily meetings, calling my sponsor, working the steps, doing service....all of that to reroute my patterns. It was very much worth it.
I had not lost my job when I stepped into AA, but I felt 100 percent empty, defeated, was just broken up from a 7 year relationship, had crashed my car drunk. Somehow I pulled off being a counselor on a dual diagnosis unit by day and a drunk by evening and night - I did that for a while but it was progressing and the car crash was as far a glimpse into DUI land and Jail that I could handle.
You are not a screw up. Your drinking behavior and alcoholism is a real problem like it is/was for all of us. The shame you have over not being who you think you should be for your husband and your work clients is mostly futile if all it does is make you bash yourself further and then drink to relieve those feelings. That's a vicious circle.
All of us have problems. All people have problems. There is absolutely no shame in having this problem, only in not doing anything about it or not doing enough about it. Typically we want the least invasive treatment for illnesses...We want a good "deal" and that involves saving time and effort. We want maximum benefit with less investment. AA is not going to work that way. It generally works best with full investment and a lifestyle/spiritual/psychic shift. Are you ready for that?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey Janey Welcome! You have to realize that the program is more important than the sponsor. In other words, you have to dig into the Big Book a bit, and not just rely on a sponsor to drag you over the goal line. You and the sponsor need to be on the same sheet of music--meaning what your responsibilities are--and the sponsor is there to facilitate what is in the book through experience. I guess the point is what everyone said above, plus, when you are on your own, your spiritual commitment will pull you through. I am glad you are here.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I don't know if your replies helped Janey, but they sure helped me. I've been trying to do the online thing, but it hasn't worked for me. You all inspired me to go to a meeting.
WE make the decision to do whatever it takes to put down the poison(for us)the healing begins and so does the work.The physical,mental and spiritual illness WE suffer is enhanced by working THE program.There are many roads to recovery WE have found that AA works as long as WE work it,not a magic bullet but application of the solution in all areas of our lives..Sponsorship is very valuable but a sponsor can't keep your free from active addiction,thats an inside job..Take a deep look inside and find out if you are really ready to find that new way to live. The emotional acceptance of utter defeat and surrender to using opens the door to the healing... In support and prayer..Let us know how you are doing.......
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Help? What do I do... who do I call? I really think I just need someone I can be accountable to, who might kick my butt when I want to slink back into isolation and self-medication.
Please help me.
There are different styles of sponsorship. You want one that is directive.
Maybe take a look at the AA pamphler on sponsorship. There is a link to it in the following thread:
