I suppose a lot of things have come to a head this winter. The long term relationship I was in has just ended. I knew it was coming but was somewhat in denial and I kept pushing it off though that last two years have been anything but easy. I have to say I didn't realise how much I 've changed until tonight. I am very upset but it is like the tears need to come and that they have been there for a long time. This relationship belongs in someways to my drinking days. I drank, got drunk and lived through drink with this partner. That changed dramatically when I got sober and the first year was hell on earth.
He has suggested moving out and I need to let him to do that. I need the courage to do that and to know that it is ok. I keep trying to put a mask on everything, for the neighbours, for my friend and my AA family know there is something at times but I rarely talk about this. I still like to put a good face on everything and in the face of chaos this is not a good thing and can even be a character defect.
I am really in so much pain right now that I can't think but I can tell you that the slogans, this too will pass is flashing through my head and thank HP for all those meetings in the bank because you really never know when you need them. There is one at 7.30 in the morning and I intend to be at it.
I hated myself so much when I drank that I really did not know the real me, I am now beginning to after 3and half years of sobriety. I am afraid but I know I have my HP and that helps a lot. I have not cried either in years like this and I see them as healing tears, I don't know why. I used to look on crying as such weakness and covered up all those feelings with drink. That is not an option now. My sponsor is ringing at 11.15 tonight as he is going through such hell too at the moment. I have not told him yet but will meet up with him over the next few days. I just felt I needed to ring and hear my sponsor's voice as I was so upset at the suddenness of the blow up and how it came about.
Blessings of this day maire! Relationships can be terribly painful areas. I remembered as I would constantly recite the Serenity prayer when it was time to put our 20 year old son on the street in the worst conditon of his heroin induced devastation the difficulty WE had... As I have stated the part of acceptance I got, the wisdom to know the difference I got.. but the Courage to change the things I could took more than my (our)ability,it was a trust in my Higher Power to make the decisions and leave the results in God;s charge that was most difficult to follow thru on.....I truly know,based on my own evidence,that tears and laughter are 2 of God's greatest gifts of release.My wife and I cried ourselves to sleep many nights and still were able to find joy(that comes from God)We realize that WE must peel off the masks .Pain shared is pain lessened.We instill our 3rd and 11th Steps in our daily lives,one a Step of action and the other not some type of cosmic union with our Higher Power,just a conscious awareness of our link to this Power, knowing in our hearts God's will for us is to be all God intended us to be but the details are left to us.The Power to carry it out comes with our own humility,compassion,honesty,integrity and even perserverance to wait probably longer than we may like.I believe our principle of Faith helps us to practice the principle of courage to live our lives with integrity and do what we need to do.Our Faith gives us the courage to carry out the power of our Higher Powers will..I will lift you up in prayer and support..Thanx for help today..As we continue to do the daily work More is always revealed......Peace ..............
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
I suggest getting to meetings daily for a while ... just sit and listen if you can ... this will help get you out-of you for the time being ... ... ... pick-up some service work if you can ... chair some meetings, setup and or cleanup after the meetings, volunteer for carrying the meetings to the local prisons/jails, etc. ... ... ...
When you are ready, the good Lord will put you in touch with another partner ... and hopefully, not before you are ready ...
Above all, don't drink ... we all know that there is not a problem in the world that a drink or a drug won't make worse ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Sorry to hear you are going through the struggles right now, but it is good to see you back here at MIP. One door closes and another door opens. Be positive, a new life is waiting for you!
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Thanks all, much appreciated, I am taking up service at my local group before the end of the month. I had not thought of getting a meeting a day but I am going to now. I got five hours sleep so that is a blessing and have constant contact with fellow members whom I told of the situation as I had not mentioned this until now. I think I kept hope that it would just work out. I am getting to work today which is a blessing and yes, a drink would not help the situation ever. That is how I used to deal with situations before and alway wound up with shame, no dignity and the lowest self worth you can imagine.
Maria.....there's no pain like emotional pain. I.ve been sober coming up 7 years inOctober.
My ex and I separated I 06 we started divorce two years ago.
The emotional pain was huge but it was necessary. Im told my ex hsd had a burden lifted and is enjoying her life. Same for my adult son and daughter.
Me, two years on, , I'm learning to love and live with myself.
I ve found I'm capable of giving and worthy of receiving on an equal partner level
From the greatest pain comes tthe greatest growth. This too shall pass.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I would have been there, too. But for the grace of God, my marriage was saved and my family healed. My wife and I used to argue over stupid things. Today we don't because of our daily walk with God and prayer for each other. Most of the time we are working with other sick couples and that does not give us much time to fight with each other. Intercession for others and love for others has been our healing factor. That comes through meetings and an extensive network of fine friends. I pray that God will heal you and give you strength. We are not bad people. The disease of addiction deforms our emotions.
Something that Gonee said reminded me of early sobriety ... my sponsor said to me ... since you don't know how to live with another person sober, I want you to never, ever, tell your wife what is wrong with her ever again ... I said never, he said never ... I said, well, who's goin' to tell her??? ... ... ... he said I don't know, but you're not ... ... ...
That was a big pill for me to swallow ... I thought it was one of my jobs to go around and correct her on all the things she was doing wrong ... (typical alcoholic) ... and today it is rare that I say anything about the many annoying things that she can do ... our relationship has become that of which other people only dream about ... this year, Lord willing, we will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary ... ... ... she is my strength and my inspiration, my soul mate ... ... ... without her, I'd be only half a person ... ... ... (don't let her know that ... LOL)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hang in there Maire! Prayers sent your way. My wife and I divorced a year ago. Separated 18 months ago. I changed as a result of working The Program. I could now see how dysfunctional our relationship was. We grew apart, not together. The Program and God gave me the courage and strength to do the next right thing. It was painful and emotional. I ran with faith and God revealed more that this was the right choice and in line with his will for me. That painful experience turned into growth for me personally. The time alone allowed me to work on me, The Program and a connection with God. My faith got deeper and my life better. My Sponsor told me sometimes God adds by subtraction. Removing negative things in my life to fill them up with positive ones. I'm still in the hallway at the moment. I've painted these walls many times, but the faith I've acquired gives me peace that a new door will open in God's time and way. I patiently wait.
Thanks all for your amazing support. I got to a meeting tonight, slipped away from a work function, a bit late for meeting but got there and have just eaten a late supper. Am off to bed. Need to take this slowly and stop feeling overwhelmed all the time.
