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justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hrmf

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

There is only one situation I can think of where I would break it down to a sponsee and tell them "only 1 sponsor please" and that would be in the instance of them "shopping" for different responses when they didn't like owning up to the truth or hearing some difficult stuff. I more or less had 2 sponsors during my first year (though only 1 officially) and I would go to one whenever the other said something I didn't like. I would also rat on them to each other because I know these 2 folks didn't really like or respect each other. So whichever one bothered me I could go "Can you believe XXXX said XXXX?!!" and get a guaranteed "Really!!? What a dumb#@! You are great Mark!" It's hard to believe I did that thinking back, but I did. Now I am just grateful I had both those guys helping me and I feel guilty that I unwittingly played them both at times. At least I followed the major suggestions and both of them were solid AA members so they were not making bad suggestions even though they couldn't stand each other.

So...If I had a sponsee telling me "We'll Joe says blah blah" I could see eventually reaching the point of saying "Well Joe isn't your sponsor right? I am. Get with the program and stop calling me about what Joe says." I don't know if this is going on with your sponsor, but I can only try to offer insight into things you might not be aware off. It's our busted thinking that got us here right? Of course I have great respect for you though Tasha and I am open to the possibility that your sponsor may be a controlling weirdo. Maybe the answer is in the middle or neither.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yeah, sorry Mark, I didn't have that trick up my sleeve, not even close. Thanks for bringing that up though, I'm sure that goes on a lot, and others will maybe open their eyes to it, so kuddos for being willing to tell on yourself.

I honestly don't understand where my sponsor is coming from. She said it makes me accountable. I thought I was accountable to myself and God. I dunno - I don't get that thinking so I guess I'm better off now. Here is the letter I wrote her today:

I'm so sorry for the miscommunication that must have happened between us that made you think I was lying to you about working with only you.

I feel hurt that information I had given you was being talked about with other AA members and that you told me you wouldn't be telling your sponsor that you were sponsoring me, yet you did.

I'm so sad that the chain of sponsorship has the stipulations in place that it does. I personally do not feel that my sponsor is responsible for my recovery or sobriety, so I do not feel it appropriate to have a conditional relationship where I am told I must behave in a certain way to qualify for sponsoring. I do not feel having one sponsor is a necessary part of recovery, and while I do believe it is not healthy to play answers and search out the one you like best, I was not doing that to you, and It hurts that you think I would stoop to that level. I was under the impression that you had a respect for my program, and that you trusted me. I completely trusted you.

So my heart is breaking today. The things I told you in the beginning 5 or 6 weeks ago, have not changed. It was an honor getting to know you, it was a privilege sharing in your recovery even though it only lasted a few short weeks, even knowing you for 5 or 6 days would have been so awesome. You're an amazing woman and friend, you have a wonderful son, and you're such a caring mom. You have given me so much hope and inspiration. I am so blessed to have met you, and it is still the truth, that It felt like I was waiting my whole life to meet you. You have shown me I can be honest with someone, and they'll still like me. You've shown me that I can be who I am, and it's good enough. You have given me peace about issues, and took on a whole years worth of my problems, in a little over a month, with grace, and thoughtfulness, and a reassuring voice that things will be okay, and to know that friendship is possible, and that it's out there, gives me the ultimate hope and has brought me the greatest joy. It has shown me that there is overwhelming evidence that God is working in my life, and never leaves me or you. I am so sad to have to part ways, and you're the first friend who I've ever considered saying I love you to and truly meaning it. You are so special, and I do love you, and I wish you everything good God has to offer, and most of all peace in knowing that if ever you want to revisit this relationship under the original unconditional and honest format we talked about 6 or so weeks back, I would be here with open arms. I will miss you so much. I hope you and pray you find your path to peace and serenity over this.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Is this you or is it your other side...Can't remember reading too many "reaction" shares from Tasha. This post reminds me of my morning Sunday version of AA at the Bay where I heard an elder speaking of open mindedness and how "the" program had taught him to drop all defensiveness and fear and such while also teaching him to practice openmindedness so that he could listen and inventory and consider what he was being told without reaction. I was sure that my HP was directing me to do the same thing because I was professional at reacting...exposing my Dr. Jekyll personality when I did. I came into recovery with a natural habit and character of being oppositional defiant and in order to find balance between what I had and what I needed I had to listen, openmindedly without fear and judgement. I am sooo blessed that I had sponsorship who would allow me to ask questions and some of those were, "could you clarify what you said and why you said it"? In the explanation I learned more about the program as my elder saw and experienced it and more about my elder who at times I didn't like and always loved. A big part of my recovery was learning tolerance and patience and sure that "A" word...Thank you Dr. Paul, Page 449 of the 3rd edition, "and I have learned that acceptance is the solution to all of my problems".

Did you take something personal and buy a resentment? Would you rather be happy or rather be right? Choices, choices, choices...I use to just react which I thought was more simple and blow myself up. "There I got myself good that time". Have some ((((hugs)))) and keep on keeping on. smile

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

My reaction was to cry for about 3 hours. Then I called her and asked her how she felt about what happened. I assumed it was all a misunderstanding, when come to find out, she turned on me, and I didn't expect that. I didn't know we weren't actually friends. What I learned by listening to my own real sobs was that I could take the risk of truly caring for someone, and actually feel hurt, and cry for a loss. First time for everything. Reminds me of the story of you losing your ducky in your profile picture. I felt that overwhelmed sense of joy at my capacity to love and feel loss and actually just cry for the loss of someone special to me. Pretty awesome.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Ha ... PC gave you the response that I was thinking about ... usually, when a person has more than one sponsor, they will play one against the other ... this creates a poor recovery environment ... cause if I don't like what one sponsor asks me to do, then I can go and confer with the other ... not good ... this may not have been your reasoning, but I have seen it before and that is why we suggest only one sponsor ... BUT, having said that, I also think it wise to have a 'backup' friend to call when your primary is not available for whatever reason ... ... ... call them a secondary sponsor if you must, but in that case, I would want someone to call at any time I needed them, especially early in sobriety ...

1st of all, my sponsor would never insist I do exactly as he tells me to do ... being an alcoholic, he knows we don't like to be forced into doing things ... he would say, if you don't like the results your getting in this certain situation, then I suggest this or that ... He would never try to pull the 'shame on you' card and insist I 'obey' his commands ... he knows all about the 'control' issue, I assure you of that ...

I pray you two can sit down f-to-f and resolve this issue ... I would not leave it hanging ... maybe you've already done so ... if not, the sooner, the better ...

Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yes, I asked questions openly, with honesty, raw wounds, and love. I listened. I thought of her needs and not my own. I asked if I needed to make any amends that I wasn't aware of. I allowed her to express her feelings but did not try and suppress my own sadness or turn it to anger or mean words. I just acted like a normal grieving caring person who was still able to be sensitive to the needs of others.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

We ARE only human, subject to saying the wrong things at the wrong time and hurting others either on purpose or not ... maybe after she thinks about how this all went down, for a while, she'll come and make things right with you ... maybe that's already happened ... in any event, you should see this as a 'learning experience' which it seems you have ... well, after the emotional part was moved out of the way ... just don't let things like this effect your sobriety, above all else ... this is simply preparation for you for the future ... no big deal ... it's one 'mole hill' ...

Love ya

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

True Pappy - so true. It did occur to me to open my ears and listen for answers. I did feel so over joyed to know that I had no part in doing any of the things I was accused of - like playing the two sponsors. I told her I had drifted away from the 1st sponsor and we couldn't really talk about things without it being gossipy and one sided, and so the reason for asking her to sponsor me and move on. Which didn't mean I wanted to break ties with the 1st sponsor altogether, because I did honestly talk about the gossip and what not to her, and tell her how I felt, and that I was going to start doing the steps with the new sponsor. So it's not like I was hiding anything, I just didn't officially break off the first relationship because I didn't see the need to make waves. We are on the board together, and doing a potluck together in the near future, and I just didn't feel like I wanted her to be out of my life altogether. And to me a sponsor is a trusted friend. And I was behaving in a trusting way. I was trusting, and trying to earn trust from both. Not gossiping or talking about one to the other, or even the same issues with both. I was only actively using one sponsor. I still saw my other sponsor at the board meeting, and gave her a hug, and she gave me my one year coin at the potluck. It just honestly didn't seem like a big deal to me. Man o man was I wrong. I am so glad I did not break it off with my first sponsor. That is the other thing, sponsorship is a tough thing to really come by - I do like have a back up.

Anyway - I'm over it now. And I know I can grieve things and feel things, and make it through. I guess that's pretty awesome, and I'm grateful to have all of you here to listen and let me get it all out. Thank you.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Faith allows me the comfort of believing we are all where we are suppose to be. Its up to my HP not me.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

That's a good reminder - I need to mediate on that tonight - thanks Tanin so much. If only I could never leave

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yes. Power trip came to mind... but I can pray for her today. I feel sad for her... not mad. I do care for her. She has very few flaws and honestly... they are not unacceptable. it hurts more that she find me an acceptableThanks tom for caring and I needed that... I still feel pretty raw.

-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 15th of April 2013 08:26:19 AM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Just so you know, last night I made a response and then deleted it. It was:

"Tasha,
I would have told her to kiss my ass.
Tom"

I deleted it because I knew you were hurting, but it was the truth. Tasha, again, we are drunks. The people who become sponsors have the same imperfections we all have. Depending where we are on our "journey" you may have had what you thought was a connection, but was in fact a connection with someone who had a flaw of character, and this comes under the heading of "things I can not change" and we move on. For whatever reason, she needed more space. Also, I know you can see by now that when one door shuts, another opens. If you can trust that your HP will provide for you, you can let things go easier. I think this sponsor did a poor job of leaving you stranded. It hurt you. I think the sponsor is not really a good "leader". In other words, she did not know how to keep care of her charges. I do not think she was capable yet of caring how this would affect you, because are we all not selfish as alcoholics? Possibly in her own recovery, she has not gotten to the point of really ridding her self of vanity, selfishness and power trips. Maybe there is enough of that there that when she makes a decision, she does not care about the outcome--i.e. your feelings. Does this make her evil? No. She is probably doing the best she can, and is not perfect, and that this situation will weigh on her in the future and may give her a dose of empathy the next time. Look for the next door to open..........
Tom

ChristineG · Senior Member

Everyone has such varied needs and expectations from the sponsor/sponsee relationship. You'll find the right one eventually.

I found a great sponsor right away but the funny thing is when I asked her it was because I assumed her approach would be completely different from what it is! I knew she was a teacher and expected her to be very no nonsense and demanding. I thought I needed that. Turns out she is very patient and sees no reason to rush through things or push. For me, it's working. She knows I have surrounded myself with people who have a good deal of sobriety and have their support. She is there when I need her but I don't have a need to bug her with everything. "Someone" knew what I needed more than I did....go figure! smile