Hi folks. I am in the process of beginning my step 9. I have a big one to kick off with. I am really struggling with it, however. I can't get past the idea that making amends is selfish. Really, I don't see what this person will get out of a conversation about this particular issue, and that it will come across as me rehashing old problems and bringing it all back up for the person all for my gain. I am praying on it, and asking for guidance regarding the best way forward. I am reading the big book, I am talking about it with my sponsor. It just feels self-serving and in this instance I feel I have done enough harm. I have apologized to this individual innumerous times in the past, and I feel like amends will just come across as more of the same.
Hummmm, ... ... ... If you have made a sincere apology to this individual and it was clear that you were sorry for your actions at that time, then I feel confident that you can cross this one off your list ... ... ... I see no benefit to you nor the other person to bring that past issue back to light ... ... ...
I feel the main purpose of the ninth step is to make past wrongs, right ... to not let these past wrongs go un-amended so that they come back to haunt us ... the purpose is for us to clean out our closet so that no hidden skeletons remain ... ... ... we need to lay our lives open for all to see ... if we have stolen something of value, then we need to repay, for instance ... it is vitally important to come clean with all the damage our personal defects have caused ... we are in the process here of becoming a new, totally different, person with a new outlook on life and the way we treat others ...
this was one of the hardest steps for me ... to confront someone on my misdeeds to them, even if they were unaware of them ... ... ... it can be a very humbling experience, but a necessary cleansing one that will 'set us free' ... ...
May God grant you the strength to carry on and finish this step ... you will fill pure by the time you complete it ...
Love Ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I guess in this instance when I really think about it I apologized in a kind of begging way but never really had an honest conversation about my faults.
I have sent a message asking for a conversation and I actually feel like I am going to throw up. Mostly because I'm not sure it was the right thing to do.
The phrase "responsible for the effort, but not the outcome" comes to mind. Also, "Let Go and Let God". And a personal favorite----"Don't be so hard on yourself" , life is tough enough. Good luck!
One thing I was going to add was that if this issue with this person is not a source of discomfort for you anymore since you last apologized, then you should remain 'at peace' with it ... and let it go ... however, if you have committed yourself to see this person again, I suggest that you simply say that you are not pleased with your past actions and it is your hope that they can find it in their heart to forgive you ... no need to elaborate ... whether or not they acknowledge they forgive you is of no concern of yours ... just let it go ... drop it ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
